"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
-Dr. Johnson
Heero wandered along aimlessly, face down, struggling to remember what had happened in between Rosa (he had hoped to God he hadn't been there) and the flaming circus tent. He had met up with Trowa, yes, but what about the hotel room that looked like the Eve War had take place inside? And just where the hell was the Deathscythe?
Heero sighed, sitting down on a park bench, and struggled to recollect.
"Well, why?" He recalled Duo asking as he drove the rental car.
"Why, what?" he answered, and to his horror he remembered liking a piece of LSD.
"Why should I waste my precious time watching a fucking corpse?"
"Just drive," he had said, loading up his trusty pistol with fresh bullets and tucking it into his pants.
"Sir, you can't park. . . sir, excuse me, sir?!"
"Hn?"
"Hey! You can't park you're car here!!"
"Seems like a hot ticket."
"You can't park on the sidewalk, it's a side walk!!"
"Relena Peacecraft. . . we'll be right back.. . . " Heero said to the distraught valet with a horribly wicked smile as he and the Shinigami stepped into the large theater, "eager" to her listen to one of her speeches.
The feature was sold out, but after a lot of bad noise, they were allowed in, provided that stand in the back, and not smoke.
That didn't last long however, as the Perfect Soldier and the God of Death were dragged out of there in a flash, giggling like madmen.
"Scum bag!! I'll found out where you live and burn your house down, you piece of shit!!!" he vaguely remembered screaming at the body guards as Duo pealed away.
So what happens now, what comes next?
Aahh. . . . devil ether. He and Duo had obtained some at a local Quickie Mart, and he had known then, that they'd get in to that rotten stuff, soon enough. He recalled stumbling over uneven ground, the circus tent appearing to far away and then too close as he staggered along, mumbling to himself.
"Dogs fucked his Excellency, no fault of mine." *
Trowa's circus. The circus is what the whole hemp world would be doing, if OZ had won the war. A drug person can learn to cope with things like seeing Dorothy crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth, but no one should be asked to handle this trip.
"(hic) I hate to say this, (hic) but this place is really getting (hic) to me, (hic) I think I'm getting the fear."
"Nonsense! We came all this way, and now, you wanna quit?! This is the Colonists' dream. You must understand, we're sitting on the main nerve."
"That's what (hic) gives me the fear."
He remembered talking with Duo as the sat in the bar shortly before their conversation with Trowa It seemed that then, they had acquired their handcuffs. But from where? And how shortly before? Heero drowsed on, letting the memories come in like an inundating river.
"AAAIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! No me gusta!!! AAIIIEEE!!! Mal muchachos!!"**
He remembered the girl screaming and raving when Duo had whipped out Reaper Jr. Christ, get a grip, man, they had only come for directions, but some how Duo had misinterpreted the buxom wench we she bent over in front of him. Acid can do that to a man. Too bad for the Latin woman.
Shortly after, he remember flashing lights, and a trip in a police car. Since most of the police were working the crowd at the great celebration in Epoch Square***, the heart of the colony, only two inept cops were on the beat, and one of them was saving his pair of handcuffs for better use later on. There was no choice open to them but to lock the two boys together.
Heero could vaguely recollect licking ice off of the car as he waited to be kicked into the car. Sweet Jesus.
He had remembered the Reaper screaming for his one phone call. Still tripped out on acid, the only number the Shinigami could remember was a 900 number. Unfortunately for the Perfect Soldier, the call actually went through, and he had to deal with Duo "oohs" and aahs" as he was verbally pleasured. There was one rather scary moment when Duo, still high and drooling over the receiver, decided to let Little Shinigami in on the fun. Unfortunately for Heero, Duo's free hand was the one connected to his partner in crime. With wide eyes, Heero jerked back his hand, not allowing Shinigami his pleasure. He suddenly thanked God he was the stronger one.
Heero put his call to better use, dialing up a fellow Gundam pilot.
"Wufei."
"He-ello?" drawled a sleepy reply on the other end, "If this is the media, I'm not saying anything."
"No, Wufei, it's me, Heero."
"Heero? What do you want, it's 3:00 a.m."
"Duo and I need bail money."
"What?! You're in jail?! Injustice, do you know what this'll look like in the newspa-"
"Wufei! Calm down! The cops said they'd be hush-hush if you can get us out of here before Duo does anything stupid."
There was a short pause.
"I'll be right over."
Wufei made quick with his words and showed up immediately, thanking the cops and ushering the still-handcuffed boys to his own car. They sat in the back, both still tripping out from the barrage of drugs and giggling.
"You two have really screwed up this time," Wufei hissed, flashing them a scowl in the rearview mirror. "Where the hell did you get all the money for those drugs anyway?"
Back in reality, Heero blinked. Where did they get all the money for those drugs?
"Heero, I'ma show you what a good time is. This is just the tip of the iceberg mescaline can only take a man so far."
"But, Duo, I thought that-"
"Shut up, Heero. Watch, I know just what to do."
In horror, or awe, or perhaps a mix of both, Heero watched as the braided boy swung a hammer full force into the black metal of his beloved gundam. Heero watched him repeat it time and time again, drawing in quite a crowd by the twelfth loud whack.
"Duo?"
"Insurance!!" C'mon take a hit!! C'mon, Heero, just take a swing. Go ahead."
Eyeing his companion for a moment, Heero Finally took the hammer from his hand and with a thunderous clank! another hole was punctured in the Deathscythe. Soon, both boys were taking turns, spouting insults and cussing, and laughing at the destruction they were causing. Too caught up in all the fun, the two boys payed no attention to the crowd behind them, which had grown considerably.
"Some one should stop them!!" a fat middle-aged woman cried, the crowd apparently thinking the two pilots had gone zero. It was then, the angry crowd attached them with rotten fruit and veggies, prompting then to back off.
Heero jumped in the driver's seat of a fire apple red convertible, leaving Duo standing up in the back, addressing the pissed off mob and waving his sledge hammer like a madman.
"You people just don't understand!! That Gundam is property of the Mad Scientists, that money goes to playing God!!"
Unfazed, the barrage of rotten produce continued.
"You people voted for Quinze!! And you killed Jesus!!!!"
Heero didn't remember how he got back at the hotel, but there he was, packing furiously. There was every reason he and Duo were heading for trouble. They had abused every rule that the colonies lived by. Touching the strippers. Scaring the circus folk. Burning the locals. The only thing left to do was run. Heero prayed that they had gone to such an extreme that the only ones powerful enough to bring the hammer down on them wouldn't possibly believe it.
Just give me a few hours, Lord. Just give me enough time to drop the baka and get off this God damn colony.
Leaving the Reaper to do what he will of the situation, Heero rushed through the street, articles of clothing and whatnot plummeting from his overstuffed suitcase. Duo would remember soon enough, and if he was smart, he'd get the hell off the colony before he was lynched.
He had finally reached the airport, had his ticket for a shuttle to the Earth, and was only a few feet from his salvation when the stewardess standing at the door to the hall leading to the shuttle recognized him.
"Heero? Heero Yuy the Gundam pilot?? Wow!"
You evil bastard!! This is your work!!
"Huh. . .yeah," the Perfect Soldier stuttered, shifting his weight from one foot to the other nervously. There was no way of explaining the terror he felt as he watched her face shift and swirl and change colors. So the mushrooms were kicking in. They must have been consumed just before he passed out. They hadn't been out long, anyway.
Just ignore this terrible drug. Yeah. Pretend it's nothing.
The woman had only wanted an autograph, and Heero was almost home free. But, as fate would often have it, Heero's life would have been different had not the God of Death ran into the airport complex screaming at the top of his lungs.
"HEEEEEEERRRROOOOOO!!!!!"
Put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains.
The shrill scream had attracted the attention of quite a few potential flyers.
And also the airport police.
"Hey, whoa!!! What are you kids doing here, causing trouble?"
"God damn it. Well, many fine book have been written in prison," Heero mumbled to himself, knowing full well where he was going now. And he had been so close.
"What outfit you fellas with?"
So he doesn't recognize us. . . Maybe he doesn't know what we did last night. . .
"Gundam pilots, we're friendlies. Hired freaks." Duo replied with a smile, trying to ward off the cop. It worked well enough, and soon the Perfect Soldier and the God of Death were on the shuttle and moving towards Earth.
Heero closed his eyes and rested his head against the complimentary pillow he had gotten from the stewardess. There was only one piece of the puzzle left to fill in. What had happened to Wufei after he had picked them up from jail?
Handcuffed to a chair in the stripper's dressing room Maxwell had forced him to drive to, Wufei tugged furiously at the bonds with no luck.
"Wu-baby, sweety, you're up. The braided guy said you'd do this for us since he couldn't pay the bill last night."
"KISAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Congratulations. You've all lost 25% of your brain cells by reading this. It's meant to be silly and stupid, and generally depraved and off-the-wall. I hope you had as much fun reading it as I had writing it. The plot is a little discombobulated, it's writing in the style of Qentin Teritino's "Pulp Fiction." (A mixed up order of stories all relating to each within a specific time frame.) There were a lot of scenes and gags I wanted to use for this, but didn't have enough plot space to add. Maybe I'll revise it someday, who knows.
* I swear to God this line is in the movie "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," except it reads like this: "Dogs fucked the Pope, no fault of mine."
** My Spanish is a bit rusty, as I've been taking Latin for the past two years. But I'm pretty sure Rosa's screaming something like, "I don't like!! Bad boys!!!" It's about the only Spanish I can remember, so of course it's not very good.
*** Epoch Square is a play off of Time Square