What Can I Do?

I haven’t slept at all in days
It’s been so long since we have talked

It looked as thought it was going to be a full house tonight, Hilde Schbeiker thought to herself as she edged past a crowd of young children and their harassed-looking minder as she searched for a seat. There were still a few places left down near the front so she made her way down there, careful not to bump into any other people. Hilde finally found a seat and she took off her jacket, making herself comfortable before the show started. The old woman on her left gave her a cheerful smile and Hilde couldn’t help but smile back.

“Is this your first time at the circus?” the woman asked.

Hilde shook her head no. “I’ve actually seen these performers before,” she said. “I just came to watch someone I know in his act.”

“Friend of yours?”

“I guess you could say that,” Hilde replied with a small smile, looking down at the ring that was currently empty. There were still a few more minutes until the start of the show, but Hilde had wanted to be early enough to be able to get a good seat. When she’d heard that the travelling circus was performing here in Las Vegas of all places, she had decided to go along and catch the show. It wasn’t too far from where she was currently stationed and so she had decided to see the show, mostly because she genuinely liked the circus, but also because she knew that he would be here.

It was also a good excuse for her to get out of the house. Hilde couldn’t remember the last time she’d gone out and had fun. Most of her time was spent working all the hours that she could get. It wasn’t that she had to work the long hours to get by; she had a nice, if a little small apartment that wasn’t too expensive. The main reason was that it kept her occupied. That and she was always around other people when she was at work. The worst thing about living alone was the loneliness.

Hilde hadn’t even noticed that the lights had dimmed signalling the start of the show, but she almost jumped out of her skin when the ringmaster announced his presence. Laughing at her own silliness, she focused her attention on the ringmaster who introduced the first act. Hilde watched each of the acts with fascination and excitement.

And I have been here many times
I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong

The fire breathers had always been her favourite as a child, closely followed by the acrobats. Seeing them up on the trapezes, Hilde found herself wishing she had taken gymnastics classes when she was a kid. Then again, maybe it was a good thing she hadn’t. She had been something of a klutz and even now she couldn’t exactly call herself graceful.

When the ringmaster announced the final act, Hilde was surprised that well over an hour had passed by without her being aware of it. I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun, she thought with a small smile. Anyway, this last performance was the real reason she had come here.

“Please welcome two of our most popular performers, Catherine Bloom and her brother Trowa!”

Hilde clapped along with the rest of the crowd as the tent fell into darkness once more. Her heart was pounding with anticipation and she tightened her grip on her purse. Suddenly a spotlight shone on a young woman with curly brown hair holding a handful of vicious looking daggers. A second spotlight appeared on an extremely tall man who was dressed in a pair of tan pants, a pair of suspenders crossing his bare chest and a clown mask obscuring half of his face. Catherine waved merrily to the audience, bestowing them with enthusiastic smiles. In contrast, Trowa merely bowed solemnly before walking over to take his place in front of the board.

An expectant hush fell over the audience as Catherine raised one of her knives and adopted a throwing stance, her face the picture of concentration. Her first knife embedded itself in the board barely an inch from Trowa’s shoulder and Hilde allowed herself a small sigh or relief. Deep down, she knew that the pair had performed this many times before and that Catherine would rather die than hurt her brother, but Hilde couldn’t help holding her breath every time Catherine hurled a dagger straight at Trowa.

Several more daggers sailed through the air, hitting the board behind Trowa with a solid “thunk” before Trowa finally stepped away and bowed, the knives forming a perfect outline of the clown’s body. Hilde applauded enthusiastically, but the smile froze on her face when Trowa suddenly looked up and caught sight of her. If he was surprised to see her, he showed no sign of it. Hilde lifted one hand in a wave and she thought she had seen Trowa’s lips quirk up in something resembling a smile, but then he turned away, taking Catherine’s hand and bowing once again before the pair of them disappeared behind the curtain.

The applause was still ringing in Hilde’s ears when Trowa came back into the ring, this time with one of the circus lions. Hilde had to smile at the way the big cats always seemed so docile around him. Gotta love a guy who’s good with animals, she thought to herself with a grin.

What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?

Hilde decided to stick around after the end of the show and after asking for directions, she made her way over to Catherine’s trailer. She paused a moment before raising her hand and knocking on the door nervously. She was still a little afraid of the older woman. She threw knives at people for a living for heaven’s sake, so it probably wasn’t a wise idea to piss her off. Hopefully, the fact that the war was over and that Trowa no longer had to go off and fight would have calmed Catherine down somewhat, enough so that she wouldn’t throw a fit whenever someone came to visit her little brother. Protective wasn’t even the word, Hilde thought. Still, it must be nice to have someone who cared about you like that.

The trailer door flew open, distracting Hilde from her musings and she found herself looking up at a beaming Catherine. She frowned slightly before saying, “I’ve met you before…Hilde, right?”

The smaller girl nodded. “I was in the audience tonight,” she said. “You and Trowa were fantastic as always.”

“Thanks!” said Catherine with a grin. “If you want to see Trowa, he’s still in the tent. He was settling the lions down last I saw him. I assume that’s why you came here?”

Hilde nodded and thanked Catherine when she pointed out where Trowa would be. “You tell him for me that supper will be ready in about a half an hour, okay?

Good luck in dragging him away from his precious kitties,” Catherine added with a wink and Hilde laughed, heading off to find the boy she was searching for.

What can I say to make you feel this?
What can I do to get you there?

Hilde actually found him in the ring rather than with the lions. It was pure luck that she’d even stumbled across him in the first place. After discovering that he wasn’t where Catherine had said he would be, Hilde had gone off half-heartedly looking in places she thought he might be. She had been ready to call it a day and go back home when a low whistle attracted her attention.

Hilde looked up and gasped when she saw him perched on the high wire above her. How did he do that? She wondered. She would have to be dragged kicking and screaming to a place like that. If she ever got more than three feet off the ground, she started getting shaky, any higher than three feet and she got downright ballistic. She envied Trowa’s ability to keep his cool in a situation like that. But then he wasn’t the one who was afraid of heights, was he?

Hilde watched with baited breath as he casually finished walking the length of the wire then let out an involuntary squeal when he somersaulted off the wire and landed neatly right in front of her. His one visible green eye glinted with amusement and Hilde managed a small smile of embarrassment.

“So, what brings you here, Miss. Schbeiker?” he asked.

“I heard that you were performing not far from where I work so I thought I’ d come along and watch the show,” Hilde replied. Well, that was one of the reasons for her coming out here.

“And did you have fun?” Trowa questioned, his eyebrow slightly raised.

“It beats staying at home and watching TV,” said Hilde with a shrug.

“Hnn.”

Hilde began to feel a somewhat nervous by the fact that Trowa still hadn’t moved away. She couldn’t help but feel distracted by his close proximity, which confused her. After being around Duo for so long, she was used to inane chatter, but she wasn’t sure how to deal with silences like this. Duo had often joked that Trowa should have been a mime instead of a clown he was always so quiet.

Eventually, Hilde felt the need to say something, anything to break the silence.

“It was a wonderful show tonight,” she said finally. Trowa continued to stare at her for a long moment and she resisted the urge to fidget under his gaze. She jumped when he spoke again.

“Why did you come here?”

“I’d have thought that was obvious,” she said indignantly. “I came to see the show.”

“That isn’t what I meant,” he told her calmly.

Hilde sighed. What was it about this guy that always made her feel the need to bare her soul to him? He crossed his arms over his chest as he waited patiently for her reply. “I was…I guess I was lonely,” she admitted.

Trowa stared at her a while longer before saying softly, “I understand.” He turned and began to walk away. Hilde stayed where she was, unsure of whether or not he wanted her to follow. He stopped when he reached the curtain, but didn’ t look back. “Are you coming?”

Hilde hurried to join him. “Where are we going?” she asked, quickening her pace to keep up with his long strides. He didn’t reply so she just stayed quiet and tried to keep up. Hilde was surprised when Trowa stopped outside what she recognised to be Catherine’s trailer.

“Wait here a minute,” he told her before disappearing inside. She glanced at her surroundings, watching people mill around and seeing to their own business. It seemed like a cosy, close-knit community and Hilde felt a little envious. Sure, her job gave her security and a nice place to live, but she didn’t have anyone unlike these circus performers who all had each other and stuck together no matter what.

After a short while, Trowa re-emerged from the trailer with a mug in each hand. He gave a small nod and then took off again, Hilde trotting by his side. She resisted the urge to ask again where they were going and he didn’t seem to be in the mood to talk anyway so she kept quiet.

Trowa finally came to a stop a small distance away from camp and Hilde was more than a little unnerved to see that he’d brought her to a cliff top. He settled himself down, crossing his legs and looking up at her expectantly. Hilde took a deep breath and sat down next to him, making sure that she was the one furthest away from the edge of the cliff. As long as you can’t see the drop, you’ll be fine, she kept telling herself.

Trowa raised an eyebrow at her reluctance, but wordlessly handed her one of the mugs. Hilde accepted the mug and looked down to see what was in it.

“It’s some of Catherine’s infamous soup,” he said in way of explanation. “The special kind she only makes whenever I have visitors.”

Hilde wasn’t sure if he was making a joke or not, but she chuckled anyway, raising the mug to her lips and taking a sip. “Vegetable. Not bad,” she said with a smile. “I’m guessing this is home made, right?”

Trowa nodded once. “Catherine can’t stand things that come out of cans. She says it’s unnatural.”

Hilde laughed again. This had to be some sort of record. Here she was laughing for the first time in God only knew how long and Trowa was the one who was making her laugh. Not that she minded.

They drank their soup together in companionable silence and Hilde found herself growing comfortable with it. Usually she couldn’t bear the lack of noise, but being around Trowa like this was kind of nice.

“You’re staring at me,” he said suddenly and she blushed.

“I was just thinking…” Hilde trailed off, looking away.

“About what?”

She dared a glance at him again to find that he was staring at her thoughtfully as though he was studying her and that made her feel more than a little nervous. She sighed, finally acknowledging the reason she was here. “About what it’s like being lonely. I just wanted to be around someone, talk to them, you know. I can’t stand being alone,” she admitted quietly.

There’s only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go

Trowa was silent for so long that Hilde was startled when he finally spoke up again. “I used to think that a life of solitude was the only was for me,” he said slowly. “I never needed anyone, never let anyone get too close. Then I met some people who changed my perspective. For the first time in my life, I had friends, people I cared about and who cared about me in return. And at first it was…odd, but after a while, I started growing used to the idea of being around people. And I was even more surprised to find that I liked it. So I suppose I can understand what you’re saying.”

He stopped to take another sip of his soup, ignoring the wide-eyed expression on Hilde’s face. Hilde had to fight not to let her jaw drop in amazement. That was without a doubt the most she had heard Trowa say since she had met him. She had also been taken aback by his honesty and Hilde decided that since he had been so frank with her, she could only speak to him with the same openness.

“I’m guessing you know the reason why I’m so lonely in the first place, huh?” Hilde said sadly.

“Duo,” he replied simply and she nodded.

“No one was more shocked than me when he announced that he was moving in with Heero.” Hilde frowned at the memory of that day. She and Duo had been living together for a few months while they ran their scrap yard business together and life had been good. She’d been around great company, she had a job that she enjoyed, and she just couldn’t see what would go wrong. But then she had to open her big mouth and admit to Duo that she liked him as more than a friend. She scowled when she remembered his response.

“Hilde, you’re like a little sister to me,” he’d told her gently. “I care about you a lot, but not in that way.”

Little sister my ass, she thought angrily. She’d opened her heart to him and all he had done was run off to be with another man. Hilde had quit her job at the scrap yard and moved away a few days later. Why she had come all the way to start a new life on the Earth, she didn’t know. There had been too many memories and she had just wanted to make a fresh start. So why was she with Trowa, one of Duo’s closest friends? He’s Duo’s friend, not Duo himself, she reminded herself firmly.

She was startled when Trowa responded with a quiet, “I know how you must have felt.”

“How could you?” she snapped, her temper getting the better of her.

“You told Duo you felt something more for him, but he didn’t feel the same way in return, right?” he asked. “I did exactly the same thing with Heero.”

Hilde stared at him, mouth open with shock. “You did what?” she gasped.

“I told Heero that I loved him,” Trowa replied calmly. “And he told me that he appreciated me as a friend thank you very much, but that he had a crush on Duo for a long time and would rather be with him than me. So yes, I know exactly how you must have felt. Angry, hurt, upset, disappointed…need I go on?”

Hilde shook her head mutely. “I’m sorry,” she said finally. “I guess we both made asses of ourselves in front of the people that we’d fallen in love with.”

It was then that Trowa laughed, really laughed. As in head thrown back, full-blown belly laugh. Hilde’s jaw dropped again. She vaguely wondered how many times Trowa would surprise her like this before the night was over.

“I guess we did make asses of ourselves,” he said when he’d finally got his laughter under control. Hilde was disappointed when his features relaxed back into the passive gaze she was so used to seeing on him and she suddenly wished he would smile again.

And who knows I might feel better
If I don’t try and I don’t hope

“You really should laugh more, you know,” she blurted out without thinking.

He did the damn eyebrow thing again as he stared at her. “And why is that?”

Hilde shrugged, wondering why she’d even told him that in the first place. “Anything that makes you laugh is always a good thing, I guess,” she answered.

“You made me laugh,” he told her. “Does that make you a good thing?”

Hilde’s heart began beating a little faster at that question and she shrugged. “I am if you want me to be.”

She bit her lip when she saw an angry expression break out on his face. “Never be anything someone else wants you to be,” he said vehemently. “You’re a unique and individual person, Hilde. Don’t shape yourself to what others believe you should be.”

Trowa got to his feet and walked over to the edge of the cliff, gazing out into the distance as if he was searching for something, but he wasn’t sure what. All there was to look at were the bright lights of the many casinos that were visible even from where they were standing. Hilde was concerned that she’d said something to upset him. Something must be wrong to make him react in the way that he had and she wondered if she should go to him.

She stood slowly and took a step toward him. He was still staring at nothing and everything at once, but his back was to her so he couldn’t see her approaching him. Hilde wanted to go to him, but there was the slight problem of him being right on the edge of the cliff.

Just don’t look down, she told herself as she walked up to him, keeping her gaze fixed on his back. He was considerably taller than she was she realised suddenly. Hesitantly, she reached out and placed a hand on his arm. He whirled round in response to her touch, his eyes wide. Hilde fought the urge to draw back at his surprise, but she stood her ground, squeezing his arm gently. His eyes looked down at where she was touching him and then back at her face as though questioning her motives.

“Why are you touching me?” he asked softly.

“Because I want to,” Hilde replied honestly. “I saw you smile. I saw you laugh. Then for some reason, I said something to upset you and I wanted to apologise.”

“There is no need for you to apologise,” he told her. “But I meant what I said.”

“I know,” Hilde whispered. She didn’t break her gaze from his, but eventually, she began feeling frustrated by the fact that she could only see one of his eyes. Leaning up on her tiptoes, she brushed aside the hair that covered half his face and smiled when both his eyes were exposed. “That’s better,” she announced with a smile.

“You know, someone told me that the only way to live a good life is to act on your emotions,” Trowa said after a while, his eyes fixed on Hilde’s. Slowly, he leaned down and brushed his lips lightly over hers for a second before drawing back.

“Why…why did you do that?” she asked breathlessly.

Trowa lifted one shoulder in reply and avoided her gaze. “I was just following the advice of a friend. It seemed like the right thing to do.” He pulled her hand away so that his hair veiled his face once more, and then turned his back on her.

Oh no you don’t. Hilde thought angrily. Don’t you dare drop that mask to show me how you really are and then turn away from me. She stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around him from behind, resting her head against his back.

No more waiting, no more aching

“What are you doing?” he breathed, his body stiffening in her embrace.

“It just seemed like the right thing to do,” she said softly, repeating his words from earlier. He turned round so quickly that she stumbled and he grabbed her before she could fall. Hilde smiled in relief and then gasped when she saw how close they were to the edge of the cliff. She tightened her grip on him and vaguely she thought that she must be choking him, but he wasn’t making any complaints. She buried her face in his chest so that she wouldn’t be able to see the sheer drop and willed herself to stop trembling.

Trowa guided her toward the spot where they’d left their mugs and sat down, pulling her with him, but not letting go of her. “Why didn’t you tell me you were afraid of heights?” he asked softly when she began to calm down. Hilde shrugged, but didn’t relax her hold on him. It felt nice to have his arms around her like this, to know that he at least cared enough about her not to let her fall.

No more fighting, no more trying

They stood in silence for a while and the words that Trowa had spoken previously came back to her suddenly. He had said he’d been acting in his emotions…maybe it was time she started acting on hers.

She pulled away slightly so that she could look up at him. He was staring down at her in concern and she let a smile grace her lips before she reached up and pulled his mouth down to hers. He made a small sound of surprise, but didn’t pull back thankfully. When he started to relax a little, Hilde parted his lips with her tongue. Trowa opened up to her, tightening his hold on her as she explored the inside of his mouth, her tongue gently tracing over his.

Maybe there’s nothing more to say
And in a funny way I’m calm

Eventually they parted due to the need for oxygen and it was then that Trowa graced her with one of the most wonderful smiles she’d ever seen. His face seemed truly alive and Hilde was pleased that it was she who had brought about that change in him.

“I think I like you, Hilde,” he said softly.

“Well that’s good because I like you too,” she replied, brushing his hair out of his face once more and this time he didn’t seem to mind. “And I think maybe over time I could grow to love you.”

Because the power is not mine
I’m just going to let it fly

“You’d fall in love with someone like me?” Trowa asked somewhat disbelievingly.

“Sure I would,” said Hilde enthusiastically. “What isn’t there to like about you? I mean yeah, maybe you don’t talk much, but that’s okay. You make up for it in other ways. You have a really sweet smile and I like being able to see all of your face like this.” She paused for a moment and grinned before adding, “ And you have a cute ass too.”

“Hilde!” he gasped, his eyes wide and his cheeks colouring slightly.

“Actually I’ve been wanting to tell you that for a while now,” Hilde confessed, reaching down and squeezing the backside that she’d admired so much. Trowa flushed even deeper which only made Hilde laugh. “You’re so cute,” she told him before leaning up to touch her lips to his gently. She was so absorbed in the kiss that she almost jumped out of her skin when she heard someone shriek. She turned around to find Catherine standing nearby with a smile on her face that was a mile wide.

“Jeez you two, get a room,” she teased. Now Trowa wasn’t the only one who was blushing. Why had Catherine chosen now of all times to turn up? Hilde thought desperately. Apparently Trowa had been thinking the same thing.

“What are you doing here, Catherine?” he asked bluntly.

“How rude is that?” said Catherine, acting as though she had been mortally

offended. “I just came out here to see where you guys had disappeared to is all. Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across the two of you trying to suck the faces off each other.”

“Thanks, but we’re not hungry,” Trowa told her.

“Not for food, huh?”

“Catherine!”

Hilde snickered in spite of herself. Catherine looked over at her and winked. “Well, I guess I’d better give you some privacy,” she said, starting to leave. “Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. Which isn’t much!” And with that she sauntered off humming to herself.

Trowa sighed in exasperation. “You do realise we’re going to have to put up with her spying on us from now on.”

“Oh, let her spy. I never knew she was that kinky,” said Hilde airily.

“You’re going to be the death of me one day!” Trowa exclaimed throwing his hands in the air defeated. Hilde just smiled and snuggled up to his chest.

What can I do to make you love me?
What can I do to make you care?

“No I’m not,” she said happily. “Stick with me and you’ll have nothing but fun, fun, fun. I’ll even take you out for a night on the town.”

“Is that so?” asked Trowa, bringing his arms around her.

“Yep. There’s only one catch though,” Hilde warned.

One of Trowa’s eyebrows arched slightly. “And what’s that?”

Hilde ran a hand down to squeeze his backside again. “I get to keep this.”

“Oh yeah? Well in return, I get to keep these.” Trowa lowered his head to capture Hilde’s lips with his own in a sweet kiss.

“I think that’s a fair trade,” Hilde replied breathlessly when they parted. “Relationships are all about give and take after all.” She felt her breath catch in her throat when Trowa graced her with another one of those dazzling smiles. “What are you smiling at?” she asked curiously, nuzzling the base of his throat.

“You,” he replied. “You make me feel happy. And that is worth everything to me.”

“Such a sweet talker,” Hilde murmured, letting her own smile brush over his. “But I think I could live with that.”

Love me