Live Through This

“Excuse me, Father Maxwell. May I speak with you?” Nanashi waited patiently for the priest to stop reading. He’d only intended to stay at the Maxwell church for a few days at the most, but now he’d been here almost three weeks. Neither Sister Helen nor Father Maxwell seemed to want him to leave anytime soon.

The priest marked his place in the book and looked up at Nanashi expectantly. “What is it, child?” he asked. For some reason, he and Sister Helen seemed reluctant to call Nanashi by Duo’s nickname and instead referred to him as ‘Child’. Nanashi thought that he would have found it annoying or condescending, but he found that he rather liked it. Well, anything was better than being called No-Name, right?

“Father Maxwell, I was wondering if I could talk with you?” Nanashi asked nervously.

“Of course you may,” Father Maxwell replied. “What seems to be the problem, young man?”

Nanashi wrung his hands, reverting to his old habit of fidgeting. “Actually, when I said talk, I meant something more along the lines of…you know…” He shrugged, unsure of how to phrase what he wanted.

“I’m afraid I don’t,” Father Maxwell said, frowning slightly. “Come now, something is bothering you. Would you like to tell me what’s wrong?”

“I…I want to confess something,” Nanashi said quickly. “Am I allowed to do that? I’m not a Catholic…but I did have a cross one time,” he added hopefully.

“The church doesn’t usually allow non-Catholics to confess,” Father Maxwell said. “But I believe in helping all people regardless of their beliefs,” he continued upon seeing Nanashi’s face fall.

“It isn’t that I don’t believe in God,” Nanashi told him. “Well, I’m still not sure if I do or I don’t. It’s just that I was never raised to believe in any religion, so I don’t really know much about it. You don’t think I’m ignorant, do you?”

“Of course I don’t,” Father Maxwell assured him. “But I would like to think that if you had a problem, you could discuss it with me. If you can’t do that looking to me as a priest, then instead see me as a friend. Someone you can trust. Would you prefer that?”

Nanashi nodded, feeling relieved. This problem had been eating away at him ever since he’d arrived at the church and he was starting to feel guilty over never telling Father Maxwell, Sister Helen or Duo anything about his past. He didn’t know why he felt the urge to talk about it now, but he just knew that he had to get it off his chest. Maybe they would end up hating him and kick him out back onto the street, but either way, at least he was being honest about it.

“So, would you like to talk here, or would you rather we took this to the confessional?” the priest asked.

Nanashi thought for a moment and then shook his head. “We both know each other, so going into the confessional box kind of makes it redundant,” he pointed out.

“Quite right,” Father Maxwell replied with a smile. “So go ahead, young man. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

Nanashi shifted his weight from one foot to the other, wondering how he could say this. There was utter silence for one minute…two…

“I’ve killed people,” he blurted out suddenly and then looked away, wondering if Father Maxwell would get mad and hit him.

“Why did you kill people?”

Nanashi dared a peek at the older man. He didn’t look as though he was angry and he hadn’t sounded accusing either. Nanashi stared at his kind face for awhile, knowing that he had to go on after that little outburst.

“I was a mercenary,” he explained. “Ever since I was little I was trained to be a soldier.”

“Was your mercenary unit the one to raise you?” Father Maxwell queried.

Nanashi nodded. “They took me in when I was just a baby,” he said. “They fed me and took care of me. They were the only family I ever knew.”

“What happened to them?” Father Maxwell pressed. “How did you end up leaving them and arriving here on L2?”

“I killed them,” Nanashi spat. “It was all my fault that they died.”

“And why was that?” the priest prompted.

“I thought they had betrayed us,” Nanashi whispered. “I thought they had sold us out so I killed them all in order to make sure that the informant didn’t survive.”

“So who was the informant?”

“It was me.”

“It was you?” This time, Father Maxwell sounded surprised to say the least. “You were the one who sold them out?”

“Yeah,” Nanashi replied listlessly, picking at the sleeve of his tunic. “I didn’t know it at the time though, but it was me.” He stopped to take a deep breath before continuing. “A few days before, I’d rescued a young girl, a refugee. She was the closest thing to a friend I’d ever had.” It was getting easier for him to talk now and he didn’t need any more prompting from Father Maxwell.

“She gave me something in return for saving her life. It was a cross. She said that God would watch over me.”

“And did he?” Father Maxwell asked gently.

“Like Hell he did!” Nanashi said angrily, forgetting that he wasn’t supposed to say that word in front of Father Maxwell.

“This girl obviously did something to wrong you,” the priest said patiently. “Why do you feel such resentment towards her?”

“Because I hate her!” Nanashi said. “That stupid cross was a transmitter. She’d planted it on me so that the enemies could see our every move.”

“How did you know the cross was a transmitter?”

“I found out by accident. I took it apart on suspicion. That’s how I found out.”

“Then it wasn’t really your fault that the other mercenaries died at all then,” said Father Maxwell.

“What do you mean?” asked Nanashi in confusion. “Of course it was my fault. I killed them.”

“You didn’t know that the cross was a transmitter, right?” Father Maxwell said. “All right, so you did lead your enemy to you, but it wasn’t intentionally. You fell into someone else’s trap.”

“And played right into their hands,” Nanashi said scornfully. “I’m just as dirty as they are.”

“That isn’t true,” Father Maxwell insisted.

“Yes is it! My captain…the only one who I looked up to and respected…He wouldn’t believe that someone had sold us out and he ended up dying because of that. I couldn’t do anything to save him. And you know what the funny part is? He called me a monster. He said I wasn’t human.”

“Oh, child…” Nanashi looked up to find that Father Maxwell was looking sadder than he’d ever seen anyone before.

“Now that I’ve told you, are you going to throw me out?” Nanashi asked bitterly. “Do you think I’m evil too?”

Father Maxwell reached out and pulled the boy into an embrace. Nanashi stiffened slightly in his arms. He hadn’t been expecting this at all. “What are you doing?” he asked softly.

“Listen to me, child. First of all I want you to know that I’m very proud of you for telling me the truth,” Father Maxwell told him. “You didn’t have to, but you did and I feel honoured that you would trust me with such information.”

“But now you’re going to call the police, right?” Nanashi asked.

“No, I’m not,” Father Maxwell replied, pulling back a little so that he could look into the boy’s eyes.

“Why not? You’re a priest and you think that killing is wrong. Why should I make you change your opinion?”

“Do you think that killing is wrong?” Father Maxwell asked suddenly and Nanashi paused.

“I never really thought about it,” he admitted. “I was always taught to destroy the enemy before me.”

“But did you ever feel guilt or remorse about what you’d done?”

“I…I tried not to think about it,” Nanashi whispered. “I didn’t want to feel sad or scared so I just blocked it all out. I just did what they told me to and followed orders. That’s how it was.”

“Can you feel sadness?” Father Maxwell asked gently.

“I don’t know,” Nanashi replied honestly. “I thought I’d forgotten what it was like to be sad. Nobody ever cared before, not like you or Sister Helen do. Why do you care? Why do you help people like me?”

“First of all because I’m a priest and God would be very angry with me if I didn’t care,” said Father Maxwell with a small smile. “I was taught things, just like you. Only I was taught to help those in need. Seeing people less fortunate than myself makes me sad and I don’t like to see anyone suffer. Therefore I try my best to help them and try to ease their pain.”

“I wish I could be like that,” Nanashi murmured. “But instead I’m just an empty killer.”

“Don’t you talk about yourself that way!” Father Maxwell scolded. “You’re not empty at all. You’re a very intelligent, very sensitive young man and I think that you could learn a great deal if you stay with us.”

“You want me to stay?” Nanashi asked incredulously. “After all I just told you, you’re not going to throw me out?”

“Child, I could no more throw you out than set myself on fire,” the priest replied sternly. “You will stay with us and you will allow us to take care of you as we have been doing so far. Understood?”

Nanashi nodded shakily, still not quite believing how kind these people were being to him.

“Providing that you want to stay with us, of course,” Father Maxwell added. “I’m not forcing you to stay. If you want, you could walk out that door right now and never look back. I just want you to know that you have a new family now. All you have to do is accept us into your life…into your heart.”

“I want to stay,” Nanashi murmured. “I want you to teach me how to be kind just like you are.” He blinked rapidly, his throat and chest feeling constricted. “Father Maxwell, my heart hurts,” he whispered. “I don’t know why…”

He gasped suddenly as his body was wracked with shudders and he clung tightly to the elderly priest, unable to comprehend why he was feeling this way. It wasn’t until he felt the material of Father Maxwell’s shirt grow damp under his cheek that he realised what was happening.

“I’m crying,” he said, feeling awed. And suddenly, he burst out laughing. He was crying at the same time he was laughing and even though it hurt, it felt good as well. It was as though he had just acquired some new skill. Here he was crying and laughing for the first time since he could remember and it felt marvellous.

Why, he could almost be human, Nanashi thought to himself. Father Maxwell was right. He was learning here.

“Thank you, Father Maxwell,” he murmured, finally moving away and wiping his face on his sleeve.

“You’re very welcome,” the priest replied with a wide smile. “Do you feel better now?”

“Much,” Nanashi told him and it was true. Maybe now he could finally begin to leave his old life behind and start a new one with people who genuinely cared about him. In the back of his mind, a tiny voice was yelling at him that this wasn’t right and that something this good could never last, but Nanashi firmly ignored it.

Finally, he had found a place to call home. It was time to stop living in the past and look to the future, one with Father Maxwell, Sister Helen and Duo in it.