Disclaimer: GW does not belong to me. Never has done, never will.
I see the two of them together and my heart just breaks. I know I’m being selfish, but it’s so unfair! Heero has what could have been mine. I mentally slap myself as soon as that thought flashes across my mind. Trowa belongs to no one other than himself. He isn’t a pet to be fought over, he’s a human being entitled to choose who he wants. He just happened to choose Heero over me.
I want to hate Heero, but I can’t. Just watching them, seeing how happy they make each other. They’ve definitely changed. Both of them talk more and wonder of wonders; they actually smile from time to time. Admittedly, it’s at each other, but it’s still a massive improvement on what they were like previously.
I shouldn’t be upset. Trowa is happy. I’ve always wanted him to be happy, he always seemed so sad before and that hurt me. I tried so hard to make him like me as something more than a friend. Ever since we first met, after I surrendered to him, I was immediately intrigued by this boy who hid behind his hair and a mask of silence. He was beautiful, no doubt about it. He tends to draw people to him. I don’t think it’s intentional and I don’t think he notices it either, but it happens. He’s so intriguing, the way he acts indifferently to his surroundings.
I thought it would be me to finally get him to open up. I know that we may be polar opposites, but I couldn’t help falling for him. I know he cares about me and I’m proud to call him my best friend…but I don’t want him to be my best friend! I want more from him, I always have. I knew he and Heero share a special bond, but surely it’s the same bond that Trowa and I share? He cares deeply about me as he does with Heero, so what makes Heero better than me?
I rise to my feet and cross the room to make some tea in an effort to calm myself down. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. I feel jealous, hurt and I know that those are bad things. It’s the part of myself I don’t like to acknowledge, just like the emotions brought out in me by the Zero System. As much as I try to deny it though, those emotions are there. They may not be pretty, but they exist whether I want them to or not.
Dammit, why should this be so hard? I try to tell myself that what I feel for Trowa is nothing more than a silly crush, a ridiculous infatuation. I’ve felt this way for so long though, wanted him to look at me the way he looks at Heero.
The sound of the kitchen door opening makes me look up from where I’ve been staring blankly at the wall, lost in my own thoughts. It’s them.
“Hi, Trowa. Hey, Heero,” I say in way of greeting, offering a small smile although it’s more for Trowa than for him. Trowa lifts one hand in way of acknowledgement, sending a tiny smile my way, which makes my insides flutter.
Heero just gives me a curt nod and steers Trowa over to the dining table. “I was just making some tea, would you like some?” I ask them.
“I’d like that, Quatre,” Trowa says softly. “Thank you.” My smile broadens.
Trowa rarely thanks anyone and it pleases me to hear him saying that to me.
“How about you, Heero?” I add, trying to act friendly.
He shakes his head no and I shrug, turning back to getting the tea ready. Methodically, I reach for two cups and add the milk. Trowa takes his tea with milk, no sugar. I should know; I’ve made tea for him so often. He and I are the only ones who drink it. Heero and Wufei are the coffee fans while Duo seems to live on nothing but soda.
That having been taken care of, I look over my shoulder at them. Heero has his arm slung casually around Trowa’s waist while Trowa rests his hand over Heero’s. They’ve come a long way. I never thought either of them would be ones for public displays of affection, but they seem comfortable enough around each other to relax around the rest of us.
I suddenly feel as though I’m intruding on a private moment between them and I’m startled when Heero’s gaze meets mine. He frowns slightly when he sees me looking at them and tightens his arm around Trowa. The gesture is possessive and I know he’s warning me that Trowa is his; that he has what I don’t.
I raise my hands and give him an apologetic smile. It isn’t a real smile though. Lately, I haven’t had much reason to smile. It’s funny really, Trowa has been opening up and smiling more while I seem to be closing in and smiling less.
I’m surprised that no one has commented on that yet. I’d have thought Trowa would have noticed, but then he’s been pretty oblivious about the tension between Heero and myself. Is it really that he doesn’t notice, or is he truly unaware? Then again, he’s been so wrapped up in his new lover that he barely pays attention to the rest of us anymore.
I scowl, not caring if Heero sees it or not. I finish preparing the tea and carry one cup over to Trowa, setting it down on the table with just a little more force than necessary.
“Quatre, is everything alright?” he asks, looking up at me.
How nice of you to notice, I think bitingly. But the way he looks at me with such concern melts my anger away and I sigh, my anger deflating.
“I’m fine, Trowa,” I reply. That couldn’t be further from them truth, but I don’t want to ruin his good mood. “Drink your tea up. There’s more in the pot if you want some.”
“Thanks, Quatre,” he says, raising the cup to his lips to take a small sip. I grab my own cup and take a seat across from them. Heero watches me cautiously, trying to ascertain whether I’m a threat or not. I just raise my eyebrow at him and his expression darkens into a glare. I sigh and look away.
I’m starting to think that Heero is acting just a little too possessive and I can’t help but wonder if it’ll drive Trowa away once he wakes up and realises what’s going on. Good, I think maliciously. Then Trowa will come to me after he’s figured out how destructive his relationship with Heero really is. Then again, who’s to say that if I had Trowa, maybe I would be just like Heero. Maybe I would perceive everyone else as a threat, who may take Trowa away from me. So I suppose I can understand Heero’s behaviour in that aspect, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that I think it’s healthy.
I know I’m being somewhat nasty to Quatre lately, but I can’t help it. I worry that he’ll take Trowa away from me and I couldn’t bear to be without him, not after everything we’ve been through together. I realise that my jealousy and insecurity could ruin what we have and I try to keep it all in like I used to, try and ignore it, but I just can’t do that any longer. Trowa has changed me, for the better I hope. He assures me that he loves me and I believe him, I really do. I just want him all to myself. And so does Quatre.
I resist the urge to growl, tightening my arm around Trowa, keeping him close. I see the way Quatre looks at Trowa and I see the way he looks at me. I know he resents me for being the one Trowa fell in love with and it angers me. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel sorry for Trowa who’s caught in the middle of his possessive lover and his jealous best friend. But dammit, he’s mine! And I don’t want Quatre to destroy everything.
I wonder if the others have picked up on our little situation. Trowa hasn’t said anything yet and I know I should discuss this with him. I need to talk to someone, someone who has some sort of experience with this love thing. Is it wrong for me to be like this? I love Trowa and I don’t want to lose him. I’m also very protective of him. I just don’t know what to do. Everything was so wonderful and now I’m starting to question Trowa and myself. He’s aware of my insecurity and goes out of his way to let me know how much I mean to him, but people change, right? I sigh. I think I really need to talk to Trowa.
I watch him as he drinks his tea and I feel a smile starting on my face. No matter how bad a mood I’m in, all I have to do is look at him and it’s gone. He keeps me calm, keeps me grounded. And I love him for that.
“Trowa?” I say.
“Hmm?” he replies, setting his cup down on the table and looking at me expectantly.
“Nothing,” I tell him, leaning forward that last little distance and capturing his lips with mine. Everything else fades into the background with that one simple kiss and I touch my free hand to his cheek.
Reality invades the little dream world we’ve created for ourselves when I hear the scrape of a chair on the kitchen floor. Trowa pulls away slightly, but I don’t need to open my eyes to know that Quatre has left the room.
Good, I think to myself as my lips curve up into a smug smile. I prefer it with no one else around anyway, just Trowa and me. I move to kiss him once again, but he turns his head to the side to avoid my lips.
“What’s wrong?” I murmur, trying to kiss him again. He just shakes his head and untangles himself from my grip, making his way out of the kitchen and leaving me in a state of confusion and upset.