Disclaimer: GW does not belong to me. Never has done, never will.
As usual, many thanks to my beta reader for checking through this thing for me.
Thankies, Elf!
Okay, I admit it. I’m still new to this whole concept of feelings, but I still can’t help being confused. I know I like Trowa. I like him a lot. Everything about him is so wonderful…his smile, the way he plays his flute, the way he kisses…
I feel the heat rise in my cheeks at that last thought. I’d never kissed anyone before Trowa and I never imagined it could be so good. I want more, but I don’t want to push him. Neither do I want to push myself. Dammit, he makes me feel so incredible and I know it could be even better if I could just get over my stupid hang-up about sex. I sometimes worry if Trowa just thinks I’m being an ass. He seems so understanding though, so patient with me. God knows I want to touch him and I want him to touch me, it’s just that it’s difficult to say the least.
Part of me worries about my disobedience to Doctor J. The other part tells me that soldiers aren’t supposed to fall in love. Trowa could make me weak; distract me from my goal. I was trained for every eventuality, but Trowa seems to be able to break through my defenses with ease. I want to open up to him; I want him to teach me what it’s like to be human again. I was never trained to resist a boy with eyes that you could drown in, skin so smooth to the touch and lips so soft and perfect…
I feel a smile forming on my face at the reminder of his kiss, but it diminishes when I cast my mind back to a few minutes ago. I know Quatre and Trowa are close, that they share a bond that I don’t really understand. It upsets me to know that Trowa is close to someone other than me. It’s a ridiculous thought, I know. Who am I to say who Trowa can or can’t be friends with? It still disturbs me though to see them together…see the way Trowa’s eyes soften whenever he looks at the blonde. Is this jealousy? Whatever it is, it’s yet another thing I’m not used to. These past few days have been so new, so frightening and exciting. I’m still trying to adjust.
Still, I hear things. About Trowa and Quatre I mean. Some people say that they act just a little too friendly around each other. Involuntarily, my hands close into fists. They can’t be together. Trowa isn’t the type to string people along or play on their emotions. Maybe I should ask him exactly what his relationship with Quatre is. It may make me sound like a fool, but at least that way I’ll know.
Would I fight for Trowa? It takes me a moment to think about it, but yes, I would fight for him. He brings out a protective urge in me, even though I know that he’s more than capable of handling himself, I still worry. Maybe I should tell that to him? Aren’t couples supposed to share these sorts of things with each other? Are we really a couple? Neither of us has exactly discussed this relationship at length, so I’m not sure where he wants to go with this. I don’t want to hide what we feel for each other, but then it isn’t really anyone else’s business what we do together.
I’m surprised when I end up at my bedroom door. I’ve been so caught up in my thoughts that I haven’t really noticed where I’ve been going. I shrug my shoulders and enter the room. Could be worse. I could have wandered into Duo’s room by mistake and no doubt would have had to listen to more of his inane ramblings. Yet another reason I like Trowa. He doesn’t talk much, but when he does, it’s always something worth listening to.
I flop down onto the bed, remembering what happened the last time he was in this room with me. The way he kissed me, the way he looked at me. The way he touched me.
My eyes slip shut at the memory of him pressing against me, his body so close to mine, his arousal pushing insistently against me…
A small moan rises from my throat before I’m even aware of it. God, I wanted to feel more of him, but I had to go and panic, didn’t I? I wonder what he thought when I pushed him away. He didn’t seem too upset. I’m starting to think that it takes a lot to surprise Trowa. I still can’t really believe I told him about when I…you know. Even thought it was embarrassing and shameful as all Hell at the time, it definitely worked out okay.
At least now he knows that I want him. And he wants me in return. Part of me wants to dance with joy at that knowledge while the rational part of me tells me to get a grip. But I don’t want to. For once in my life, I just want to let go, to be free to be with Trowa. Touching him…him touching me…
My pants start getting just a little too tight round the crotch and I squirm on the bed, trying to relieve some of the pressure. I flip over so that I’m lying on my stomach, my face buried in the pillow. I rub against the mattress and groan softly. That feels good…
My hips move slowly, the friction of cloth against my hardened skin almost too much to bear and I moan again, starting to move a little faster.
Suddenly, I snap out of the dream world I was in and back to the present and the movement of my hips cease abruptly. I press my face harder into the pillow, this time in shame rather than pleasure. What the Hell am I doing? Humping the damn mattress like some sex-starved lunatic, that’s what.
I wait a moment longer before dragging myself off the bed and moving reluctantly in the direction of the shower. I strip out of my clothes along the way, studiously ignoring my erection as I dutifully turn the water to cold.
I shiver under the freezing cold spray, my skin turning numb as I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to dampen my arousal. It takes me a while to notice that the water has steadily been increasing in temperature and I open my eyes in confusion, wondering if the shower is faulty somehow. When I see the dial turned over to hot though, I’m immediately suspicious. I definitely know that wasn’t my doing.
I almost jump out of my skin when a pair of strong arms wrap around me. “What the Hell?” I twist in my captor’s arms only to see Trowa gazing down at me. “T-Trowa?” I stammer, caught off-guard. “What…what are you doing here?”
“Making sure that you don’t freeze to death,” he answers wryly, pulling me closer. He’s so warm, I think. My entire body aches to go to him.
“You shouldn’t be here,” I protest feebly, trying to pull away.
“And why not?” he queries, tightening his hold on me. I’m rapidly loosing the ability to think, my eyes threatening to fall shut, but I fight to stay alert.
“I…you…oh, God!” I shudder violently when I feel Trowa’s erection pushing against my stomach and I groan helplessly, fighting the temptation to rock against him. “We shouldn’t,” I finally gasp.
“Why not?” he says again and to be honest, I don’t really have an answer for him. I open my mouth to try and talk him out of this when suddenly his lips capture mine, stopping the words from escaping my throat. My sounds are muffled against his mouth and against my will my hips drive weakly against him. When he releases me, both of us are breathing hard.
“Turn around,” he says breathlessly.
I want to ask why, but that intense look in his eyes makes me turn obediently. Almost immediately, his arms are back around me, but this time, his chest is pressed against my back. He kisses the side of my neck and involuntarily, I tilt my head in order to give him better access. What is it about this boy that makes me succumb to his every will even though my body is screaming out for me to flee? I moan when I feel his teeth close gently on my skin and he starts sucking, first lightly, then with more force.
I cry out his name when his hand closes round my erection and I moan in desperation, wanting to escape this whole situation, but wanting him to pleasure me more. And pleasure me he does as he begins stroking and squeezing my shaft alternating between light, teasing touches and rough, insistent tugging. To my shame and delight, my hips begin pumping and he encourages me, whispering my name into my ear and trailing kisses over my shoulder.
“Just feel, Heero,” he murmurs and I do. Oh, God, I do.
I can’t seem to stop the stream of nonsense words from spilling out of my mouth and I know I should feel embarrassed, but right now I can’t bring myself to care. This feels a hundred times better than when it was me pleasuring myself and I think that maybe because it’s Trowa is the one who’s touching me. My breath comes harder when he starts pumping me faster and I groan helplessly, my hips easily matching his rhythm. I’m so caught up in how he’s touching me that I call his name in surprise when I feel his own erection rubbing against me from behind. Somehow, knowing that he’s just as caught up in this as I am makes me feel even better, takes away my feelings of guilt a little.
It isn’t much later when I buck against his hand one last time, growling his name through clenched teeth as I reach my climax. It only takes a few minutes more for him to arch against me, muffling his sounds against the curve of my shoulder as he comes. Both of us stand there in silence, the only sounds our heavy breathing and the noise of the still-running water. I can feel him trembling and he’s leaning against me, letting me support his weight. I sigh, turning in his embrace to lean back against the shower wall, pulling him with me. I’m afraid to meet his eyes though, staring at the broad expanse of his chest instead. Maybe that isn’t such a good idea though I think as my gaze runs over the hard muscles. He’s so gorgeous…
My hand moves up to touch him wonderingly for a second and then moves away. He reaches for my hand, pulling it back to rest on his chest. I can feel his heart pounding beneath my palm and I bite my lip. He’s allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of me and I want to do the same for him.
I’m startled when he touches a hand to my face and before I can stop myself, I look up at him. He catches my gaze with his own and holds it so that I can’t look away. His lips quirk up in a smile and I feel my heart flutter at the sight of it. He leans forward and I’m surprised when he nuzzles his nose against mine.
I feel a smile growing on my own face at the tenderness of the gesture and I lean up to touch my lips lightly to his.
“Do you have any idea what you do to me?” I murmur, resting my forehead against his.
“Probably the same thing you do to me,” he replies, his breath warm and comforting against my lips. “You’re beautiful, Heero.”
My face suddenly grows heated and I know I’m blushing again. I seem to be doing that a lot around him lately. I’m just not used to receiving compliments, but I think I could grow to like it. “If anyone’s beautiful, it’s you,” I reply honestly. He chuckles softly and I revel in the sound.
“As much as I’d like to stand here trading compliments with you all day, the water’s starting to get cold,” he tells me, reaching behind me to shut the water off. I never even noticed. He guides me out of the shower, gently drying me off and I let him. I hate it when I can’t do anything for myself and have to rely on others, but I don’t mind it when he’s the one taking care of me.
We dress, then make our way into my room. There’s an awkward silence for a moment and I know he’s unsure of what to do next.
“Stay with me?” I say finally, hating myself for how weak I sound. He nods, smiling in relief that I’m not pushing him away and that smile reminds me that he still feels vulnerable. I don’t want that, I want him to feel safe around me and I sit on the edge of the bed, motioning for him to join me. His smile widens and he comes to join me on the bed. “Could you…will you hold me?” I ask, cringing yet again at how idiotic I must sound. He doesn’t seem to care though, just draws me into his embrace and I sigh as I rest my head on his shoulder, my own arms wrapping around him.
“I will always hold you,” he murmurs in my ear. “For as long as you want me to. You don’t even have to ask.”
I fall back on the bed, pulling him with me and we shift a little until we find a comfortable position to lie in. Neither of us say anything for a while, just listening to the sounds of each other’s breathing. When he speaks again, his voice is even quieter than usual.
“You don’t have to keep doing that you know,” he tells me.
“Doing what?” I ask, confused.
“The cold shower thing,” he answers. “I’m here for you now.”
“I can’t,” I mutter, hiding my face. “I don’t want to keep using you like that.”
“But you weren’t using me, Heero,” he protests. “Sex is an animal instinct like sleeping or eating. It isn’t wrong to indulge in it at all. I want it as much as you do. You and I are lovers and it’s perfectly natural for us to want to touch each other.”
I listen to his words, feeling slightly in shock. “Lovers?” I repeat, my voice trembling. He’s my lover? And I’m…I’m his? “I’ve never belonged to anybody before,” I confess.
“Me either,” he tells me. “But now we have each other.”
“We have each other,” I whisper in awe.
“You belong to me,” he says. “And I belong to you. I’m yours, Heero.”
“You’re mine?” I ask and he nods in conformation. I feel completely blown away and I cling to him tightly, not wanting to ever let him go. “This is mine?” I question, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He nods again and I smile. “And these? “ I kiss each of his eyes in turn, feeling his eyelids flutter under my lips. “What about this?” I breathe, my mouth inches from his.
“All yours,” he whispers and I give into temptation, leaning down to brush our lips together and our smiles kiss.