Disclaimer: GW does not belong to me. Never has done, never will.
As always, thank you, Elf for being such a wonderful beta reader!
I glance over at the clock for what seems like the fifteenth time. It’s already past nine AM and I’m feeling somewhat concerned. Heero never sleeps in this late. Duo is the one we always end up having to drag out of bed; Heero is up with the dawn, being one of the very few people who sleep even less than I do.
All right, I admit it I’m bored. The other three were still on their missions leaving just Heero and I alone in the safe house. At first, having to live with Duo and Wufei and their almost constant bickering very nearly drove me in sane. Is till wasn’t used to being around people and it took me a while to adjust to the way things are now. These days it seems I have the opposite problem. No matter how much Duo and Wufei get on each other’s nerves and mine sometimes, it’s kind of…comforting…reassuring if you will.
It’s surprising how much I’ve gotten used to being around the other pilots, Heero in a corner with his beloved laptop, Duo provoking Wufei while Quatre tries to keep the peace between them. So much so that the house seems too quiet somehow without them. I don’t talk a lot, but I don’t mind listening to other people. Even Duo who talks a whole lot about nothing in particular, but damned if I’ll let him know that.
When I next look up at the clock, it’s to find that another fifteen minutes have passed and I sigh. Call me paranoid, but I can’t help feeling a little worried about Heero. He’s been acting differently too. It’s not an obvious change or anything, but I’m not sure what to make of it.
I admit, I look up to Heero, I always have. There’s something about him that draws me to him, somewhat reluctantly. I’ve always had the policy of trust no one, but somehow he managed to break through my defences just a little. Just like Quatre did. I remember lending Heero my Gundam for his battle with Zechs in Antarctica. Although I tried to deny it at the time, I was worried and even a little afraid for him. I’d seen his ‘all or nothing’ battle style and how reckless he could be with his own life and I don’t think I was prepared to see the back of him just yet.
I don’t even know why I care so much about him anyway. At first it made me angry. All my life I’d never needed anyone, but he changed that. I still don’t think I need him, but at the same time, the thought of him not in my life makes me feel a twinge of sadness. Another reason I didn’t want to like him, he made me feel things I’m not supposed to feel. Admiration, fear, concerns.
It’s become easy for me to hide behind my mask of indifference, to act as though I’m emotionless and cold, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to keep up that act around Heero. When he looks at me with that penetrating blue gaze, it’s as though he’s looking right through me, like he’s trying to figure me out, or worse yet, to see me for whom I really am. That thought frightens me and excites me at the same time.
Keeping people away, not letting anyone get too close has become a force of habit. Though if anyone were to break through my defences altogether, I’d want it to be Heero. Quatre is my best friend, he taught me a lot about trust and friendship, but there are still huge differences between us. I’ve never told him much about my past, he doesn’t know that I was a child mercenary. I haven’t told him partly out of fear that he would be disgusted with the fact that I was a cold blooded killer even as a small child, that I was murdering people while he was still playing with his expensive toys. I like Quatre a lot and I don’t want to scare him away…I don’t want to lose his friendship.
Heero is another matter altogether. I mentioned to him a long time ago a little about my past because I trusted him not to be upset with me, I knew that he would understand.
The thought of Heero makes me look at the clock yet again. Almost 9:30. I’d better go and check on him just in case. I make my way up the stairs and pause at the door of his room. I knock lightly, not wanting to disturb him if he’s busy. When I receive no answer, I knock once more and wait a moment before quietly pushing the door open. It takes a short while for my eye sight to adjust to the darkness of the room, but I can make out Heero lying on the bed, still asleep as far as I can tell.
I step closer and see the steady rise and fall if his chest. The sheets are tangled around his waist and suggest that his sleep hasn’t been peaceful. I reach down and gently nudge his shoulder. “Heero? Heero, wake up,” I whisper.
Blue eyes open and blink sleepily at me and the next thing I know; I’m slammed against the wall, his arm pressed against my throat so that I can barely breathe. Suddenly, he seems to come to and squints at me. “Trowa?”
I’d nod, only he’s cutting off my air supply. He seems to realise this and quickly releases me. I place a hand to my neck, rubbing the sore muscles. I look at him and he seems horrified with himself. “Everything okay?” I ask uncertainly. Suddenly, he whirls around so that his back is to me and his shoulders are shaking a little.
“I’m sorry,” he says quietly.
“Don’t worry about it,” I tell him. “I should have known better than to wake you up like that.”
He shrugs, but still doesn’t turn to look at me. “Are you sure you’re alright?” I move forward and place a hand on his shoulder. “Heero?”
He tenses at my touch and moves away. “Don’t touch me,” he whispers.
“Sorry,” I mutter, feeling a little confused. I watch as he goes back to the bed and sits down on the edge of it. He avoids my gaze and keeps his eyes fixed on the floor. “I could make some breakfast if you’re hungry,” I offer. He still doesn’t speak. I don’t know why I don’t leave him alone like he obviously wants me to. Instead, I walk over to the bed and kneel at the side of it, trying to get him to acknowledge my presence. “Heero, what’s wrong?” I query. “Why won’t you look at me?” Now I know I’ve been around Quatre too long or I would have never pushed anyone to talk before I met him.
“Nothing’s the matter,” he replies gruffly. “You shouldn’t be here.” He finally shifts his gaze from the floor just a little to look at me, but he still avoids my eyes. “Why are you here, Trowa?”
“I…I was worried about you,” I reply, suddenly realising how stupid that sounds. “I wanted to know if you were alright.”
“I’m fine,” he says quickly and I sigh.
“I know you’re not, Heero,” I say quietly. “Talk to me? Please?”
“I can’t,” he answers and he goes back to looking at the floor.
“Why not?” I press gently.
“Because you shouldn’t be around me. You’re too good, Trowa, I’ll taint you just by being around you.”
“That’s not true,” I insist, wondering what brought this on. When he doesn’t reply, I ease myself up on the bed to sit beside him. He glances over at me and looks panicked at how near I am to him and he scuttles back away from me. It would be amusing if I weren’t so worried about him.
“Don’t come near me,” he snaps and I can see him shaking. I ignore him and edge closer to him. He tries to back away again. “I’ll kill you!” he threatens.
“No you won’t,” I argue, reaching out for him. “Heero, just tell me what’s wrong. Something’s bothering you and I want to know what it is.”
He glares at me and I can tell he’s only acting this way out of defence. Neither of us says anything for a long time. “Heero?” I prompt.
“Fine,” he spits. “You want to know what’s wrong?” I nod and again, it takes a while for him to continue. It seems as though he’s contemplating the best way to get out whatever it is he’s going to say, but he finally shouts out, “Alright! You want to know that badly? I dreamt about you this morning. Then I jacked off in the shower thinking about YOU!”
That being said, he buries his face in his hands as if trying to hide. It takes a moment for what he’s said to sink in. Sure, I’m surprised to hear that he feels that way about me. I never thought he’d ever like me in that way and I feel my heart leap in my chest.
“Heero?” I say softly, but he keeps his face hidden. I reach out and touch the back of one hand.
“Why are you touching me?” he asks, his voice muffled.
“Because I want to,” I reply, my voice a little unsteady. “I’ve wanted to touch you for a long time.”
He peeks up at me when he hears that statement. “Really?”
“Really,” I answer, gently pulling his hands away so that I can see his face. “I like you, Heero.”
He stares at me, his expression akin to disbelief. “But…you can’t like me,” he says sadly.
“Why not?” I question, taking one of his hands in mine. He looks down at our hands in wonder and I squeeze gently.
“So the fact that I masturbated thinking of you doesn’t disturb you at all?” he says, starting to get angry once again. “Doesn’t that disgust you?”
I shake my head slowly. “It doesn’t disgust me or disturb me,” I tell him. “Would it disgust you if I told you that I’d done the same thing?”
Heero’s anger disappears as suddenly as it arrived and he stares at me in shock. “You…you did that? Thinking about me?”
I nod my head. “Does that make me disgusting too?”
“No,” he whispers. “You know, I wondered if you…while I…” he trails off, a blush rising in his cheeks. “But it’s bad…isn’t it?”
“Why is it?” I question. “Why is it a bad thing, Heero?”
“Because doctor J told me so,” he murmurs. “He said that I’m not supposed to…to feel…arousal.” He blushes even more at that last word.
At first I feel confused, but then it all makes sense. “Your training, right?”
He nods miserably and I sigh, moving my index finger to his chin and tipping it up so that he’ll look at me. “Heero, it isn’t a bad thing, trust me,” I say firmly. “If it was, people wouldn’t do it. Did it feel good to you?”
He nods again, closing his eyes in embarrassment. “But doctor J said–”
“I don’t care what doctor J said,” I cut in, lightly stroking his cheek. His
eyes fly open when I say that and I place a finger to his lips, shushing him.
“This isn’t like a battle, Heero. I won’t think any less of you for letting me see your vulnerability; I’m not going to take advantage of that. I want to be close to you, Heero. I want you to let me in.”
He says nothing. Almost of its own will, my finger gently traces over his lower lip and I feel him shudder. His eyes slip shut once more and I move my finger away. He sighs in disappointment, and then gasps in surprise when my mouth comes to press against his. He tries to pull away, but I move my hand round to the back of his head so that he can’t move away. I revel in how soft his lips feel against mine and I’m somewhat surprised when I feel his arms slide round my neck, holding me to him. When we part, he looks up at me, his eyes wide.
“I dreamt about this,” he whispers. “I dreamt about you kissing me.”
“And did this live up to your expectations?” I tease, smiling at the blush that creeps up his cheeks again.
He nods, bringing a trembling finger to my lips, tracing over them like I did with his. “You smiled in my dream too,” he says softly, not moving his gaze from my mouth. “I like it when you smile.”
“I never really had much to smile about,” I reply with a slight shrug. “Until now that is.”
“I make you smile?” he asks breathily.
“Yes,” I say, just as quietly. “You make me smile. You make me want to kiss you. You make me want to touch you.” I’m aware that my breathing and my heart rate have quickened and I move closer to him.
“I do that to you?” he asks in amazement and I nod affirmatively. His tongue darts out to wet his lower lip. “Will you…will you kiss me again?” he whispers.
“Gladly,” I say to him, letting my own tongue flick over his lips before touching my mouth to his again. I open his lips with my tongue and he gasps into my mouth as I explore, letting my tongue touch his, run over his teeth,stroke the roof of his mouth. Only the need for air makes me break the kiss and I rest my forehead against his, panting lightly. “Did that feel good?” I question.
“Yes,” he breathes. “God, yes. Do that again.”
I hurry to do so, meeting his lips, probing his mouth with my tongue again. Slowly, his tongue nudges against mine and I coax it into my mouth before sucking on it lightly. He moans softly, his hands clenching in my hair.Tentatively as if afraid that he’ll do something wrong, he begins to explore my mouth and I let him, my arms moving around his waist as I pull him closer. I moan into the kiss and press against him, letting him feel my arousal. Suddenly, he tears himself away from me, breathing hard and watching me cautiously underneath his bangs. “Heero, what’s wrong?” I ask, confused.
“I…I’m not ready to go any further yet,” he mumbles, picking at the corner of the blanket. It takes me a few minutes to get my breathing under control again, but when I do, I move closer to him again, placing a hand on his shoulder.
“It’s okay,” I tell him when he flinches. “It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
“No, it isn’t your fault,” he insists. “I just–” He growls in frustration and I know how difficult it is for him to articulate his feelings. “It felt so good, but then I got scared,” he adds softly.
“That’s alright,” I assure him. “We can take this slow. All I want is to be with you.”
He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“Don’t worry about it,” I reply, letting my own fingers run through his hair, smoothing down the mussed up strands. “Get washed and dressed, I’ll make you some breakfast.”
“You’re not angry with me?” he asks.
“Of course not,” I tell him, kissing the top of his head. “Come on, you’ve had a long enough lie-in,” I tease. I kiss his lips lightly and then stand. “I’ll be downstairs. See you there.” And with that, I walk out of the room, closing the door behind me.