Disclaimer: GW does not belong to me. Never has done, never will.
I’ve realised now just how foolish it was to try and get between Trowa and Heero. Just looking at Heero now and seeing how stricken he is, I feel so awful about what has happened. It seems I’m always upsetting things between them, like the time when I was under the control of the Zero system and I almost killed Trowa. I honestly thought that Heero would kill me after that.
I think that he was in love with Trowa even then. I remember how they would sneak glances when they thought the other wasn’t looking. How blind I must have been to miss that. But then Trowa is very easy to fall in love with. I would know.
I’m just thankful that Heero doesn’t completely hate me. We talked a little and we both realised how silly and petty we were both being jealous of the other. I can see now how pointless it was to fight. I mean, look where it got us. Look where it got Trowa.
I felt so relieved once we’d cleared that up, that Heero didn’t feel angry with me for trying to take Trowa away from him. If anything, he blamed himself. It would have been amusing if it hadn’t been so serious. First we had fought over Trowa, and then we fought over whose fault it had been.
Before we could start yet another argument, Heero had shaken me and yelled that we were only repeating past mistakes. “We shouldn’t be fighting like this!” he’d told me, saying the words that I myself had spoken so many times before.
“It’s stupid and it’s getting us nowhere. Besides, Trowa wouldn’t want that.”
He was right. Trowa wouldn’t want us to fight and the least I can do for him is to respect that wish. I still feel guilt though and no matter what Heero tells me, I don’t think it will ever go away. I loved Trowa so much, yet all I ever seemed to do was cause him pain and suffering.
I don’t think I ever will stop loving him even though I’ve finally acknowledged the fact that he belongs to another. I think seeing him in Heero’s arms, his lifeblood spilling out of him was the wake up call I needed. It was the first time I’d ever seen Heero express emotion in any way and the fact that it was Trowa who brought that out in him…well, let me just say, I was ashamed for even thinking about trying to drive them apart.
At least Heero accepted my apology. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell him I’m sorry enough, but I know he doesn’t want to hear that right now. I try my best to be supportive and to help him through this, but Heero would rather die than accept help. He’s really too stubborn for his own good.
Duo and Wufei have been down here a few times. When I told them the news, I think that was the first time I’ve ever seen Duo at a loss for words. He cares about Trowa. He doesn’t always show it, but I know he’s upset. Just like Wufei is. The two of them still don’t know the whole story about what happened and I don’t feel up to telling them yet.
I hate feeling so powerless and I know that’s how the others feel too. Duo was angrier than I’d ever seen him before when he heard about what Heero’s mentor had done and I’m sure Wufei would have gone out to administer justice had it not already been seen to by Heero. We all love Trowa in one way or another. I just hope that somehow, he’s aware of that fact.
All we can do now though is wait and we’ve all been dealing with this newfound time on our hands in different ways. Duo’s been talking even more than usual, which can be somewhat annoying, even for me. It’s his way of dealing with things though and if it works for him, then I don’t see any harm in it. Anything it takes to help him get through this.
Wufei pretends to be irritated by Duo’s chattiness, but I know that his heart isn’t really in it. He and Duo fight like cat and dog, but even their arguments are a little half-hearted. Wufei also tries to pretend that he isn’t really concerned about anything, which doesn’t fool any of us. He’s just afraid to admit that he cares.
Heero never moves from his spot, only eating when Duo or I bring him food. Usually he ignores the rest of us and while Wufei and Duo act like everything will be okay, Heero remains undecided on whether he should pray for a miracle or give up hope completely.
As for me, well I’ve been writing a lot. We all have our own way of dealing with things and since I can’t communicate with Heero, I write down the things that I’m feeling. I’ve filled in page after page about myself…about Trowa…about Heero…I’ve written down everything I wish I could say to Trowa. I figured that a book full of “I’m sorry’s,” wasn’t the way to go, so instead I pretended that I was having a conversation with him and tried my best to articulate my emotions.
I’ve given that book to Heero. I don’t know if he’s read it yet, I haven’ t asked him and he hasn’t brought it up. I told him that it was for him and Trowa and he’d just wordlessly accepted it before going back to his vigil by his beloved’s bedside.
It’s been six weeks. Six weeks of sitting by his side, hoping every day that he’ll come to. It’s a miracle Trowa’s even alive. Thankfully I’d made sure to check his pulse back at the lab of Heero’s mentor. If it weren’t for that, we would never have got him to the hospital. Heero had been too grief stricken to pay attention to what I had been trying to tell him, but once he realised that Trowa might still stand a chance, he hadn’t wasted any more time in getting him here.
It makes me feel ill seeing him hooked up to all those machines, knowing that they are what keep him alive. He looks so frail, so not like himself that it upsets me. I have to physically drag Heero away from Trowa sometimes and even then he’ll only leave after both the doctor and myself assure him that we’ll let him know straight away of there’s any change in Trowa’s condition. Even now, Heero is still so devoted to him.
Trowa, I just hope you wake up soon. We all need you, but Heero most of all.
Today I finally decided I believed in God. Why, you ask? Because today was the day when Trowa finally came to and opened his eyes. I was asleep, perched on the edge of the chair I always keep by his bedside, my hand resting lightly over his.
I wake up to the feeling of a hand stroking over my hair and I lift my head groggily, wondering what’s going on. I almost gasp out loud when I see that Trowa is staring at me, his fingers slowly sifting through my hair.
“Trowa?” I whisper, not trusting my own eyes. “You’re awake.”
He nods once and his lips quirk up in a tiny smile. “God, you look tired,” he murmurs.
I offer him a small smile in return, knowing there’s truth in what he’s just said. I stopped really caring about my appearance when Quatre and I brought him here. I was too focused on hoping that he would recover. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I just got run over by my Gundam,” he tells me, closing his eyes again. “How long have I been out?”
“A little over six weeks,” I reply, shifting so that I can sit up in my chair and get closer to him. “The doctors didn’t think you were going to pull through.” I place my hand to his cheek, my fingers tracing the shape of his face. He’s alive! My mind cries and suddenly I can’t stop touching him. I need confirmation that he’s really here, that he isn’t going to leave me anytime soon.
My fingers move over the steady pulse in his throat and then trail up his cheeks to brush against his closed eyelids. “I thought I’d lost you,” I say, not caring that my voice sounds thin and weak. “I thought you were dead, Trowa.”
“I’m not dead,” he says softly, raising his hand to cup the side of my face. “I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.”
I nod, letting his words sink in as I lean down and rest my head on his shoulder, nuzzling his neck and sighing as he goes back to running his fingers through my hair. I can hear him whispering to me; nonsense words and his low, comforting voice soothes me.
I’ve been waiting so long to hear the sound of his voice and I’m torn between wanting to drift off to sleep and wanting to stay awake so that I can continue listening to him speaking to me. I inhale deeply, taking in his scent. Right now he has that hospital smell of antiseptic, but underneath that is Trowa’s own scent, one that I recognise as being uniquely his.
I feel his shoulders shake slightly and I reluctantly lift my head, looking up at him in concern. “What is it? What’s wrong?” I ask frantically. Please let him be all right…
“Heero, were you just sniffing at me?” he asks, his voice tinged with amusement.
“Uh…” I don’t reply straight away and I’m not exactly sure what to say.
Deciding that honestly is the best policy, I respond with a meek, “Yes.”
It’s then that a throaty chuckle escapes him and I stare at him in amazement. He’s been smiling a lot more lately, but the sound of his laughter is almost as rare as an endangered species and makes my heart beat a little faster every time I hear it.
Eventually, he stops laughing, much to my disappointment, but the smile still lingers on his lips. “I’ve missed you, Heero,” he says quietly and I barely manage to resist the urge to throw myself at him.
“God, I’ve missed you too,” I tell him, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it tightly. “If you ever leave me, I’ll have to kill you.”
His smile widens, the corners of his eyes crinkling with mirth. “Isn’t that defeating the purpose?” he teases and I scowl at him.
“You know what I mean.” I relax my face into a more normal expression. “Trowa, promise me you’ll never leave me again. But if you can’t do that, at least promise me that you’ll stop doing pulling those stunts of yours like taking shots that are meant for other people, all right?”
He opens his mouth and I speak again before he can protest. “Please, Trowa,” I say, knowing that my tone is just this side of begging. “I don’t know if I could go through this again.”
He sighs and cradles my cheek. “Heero, I can’t promise anything like that,” he whispers. “Either one of us could die today, tomorrow…we could be killed in battle or worse…”
“You don’t know for sure,” I tell him firmly. I know that both Trowa and I are pessimists at heart, but there is no way I’m letting him get out of this. “Yes, we might get killed on the battlefield, but we might not. Who says we’re destined to live out our lives as soldiers? There’s no law dictating that there will be no happy ending for us.”
“I don’t know if I believe in happy endings,” he says quietly, breaking his gaze away from mine. I release his hand from my death grip and reach up to grab his chin, forcing him to look at me.
“Then believe in me,” I say. “Believe in us. I know these kinds of promises aren’t the easiest ones to keep, but at the very least we can try.”
He nods slowly his eyes moving up to meet mine once more. “I believe in us,” he says softly. “And we have each other.”
“That’s right,” I say with a smile. “We have each other. And right now you are going to make me a promise. All right, repeat after me. I, Trowa Barton.”
“Heero,” he moans, rolling his eyes as best he can. I know I’m being silly, but this is important to me, I need to hear him say it.
“Say it, Trowa,” I demand, rubbing my thumb over his chin.
He releases his breath on a loud sigh, deciding to humour me. “I, Trowa Barton.”
“Do solemnly swear.”
“Do solemnly swear.”
“Not to pull anymore crazy ass stunts.”
“Not to pull anymore crazy ass stunts…unless absolutely necessary…”
“Trowa, I’m serious!”
“Sorry.”
I huff a little, but continue my speech. “I promise never to leave my lover. “
“Unless absolutely necessary.”
“Dammit, Trowa! When did you become such a smart ass?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Okay, what’s the next part?”
“You have to say that part first, or I won’t go on.”
“All right. I promise never to leave my lover.”
“I promise that I will never stop loving Heero Yuy.”
“I promise that I will never stop loving Heero Yuy.” All the merriment has left his eyes now and he stares back at me totally serious.
“That I will always care for him and be there for him.”
“That I will always care for him and be there for him,” Trowa repeats and I allow myself a small smile, remembering all the times that he has taken care of me.
“For as long as I manage to live.”
“For as long as I manage to live,” he whispers, smiling back at me. For a while there’s nothing but silence and then he adds, “Isn’t this the part where someone says, ‘You may now kiss your bride?’”
I laugh out loud at that and ruffle his hair fondly. He’s right though, it does sound like a vow of marriage. “I don’t know about the bride part, but I think I can manage the kissing bit just fine.”
“You never had any problems before,” he replies with a slight smirk.
“You know, I think we have to make an amendment to that oath you just took,” I say warningly.
“I promise I will never be such a smart ass otherwise Heero Yuy will do something drastic to me,” he snickers and even I can’t hold back my amusement.
“Now we have to seal the oath with a kiss,” I say, leaning up so that my face is level with his.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” he asks, his hot breath fanning over my lips.
“Patience is a virtue,” I scold teasingly and he frowns.
“Not right now it isn’t!” And without further ado, he closes the last little distance between us and captures my lips with his own. I sigh into the kiss, my body relaxing against his. It’s been so long since we last did this and I’ve missed it so much.
When we finally part, we’re both breathing hard and I rest my forehead against his, closing my eyes as I try to catch my breath. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over the way he makes me feel, the way I react to the simplest of words and touches.
“I love you,” I whisper finally, nuzzling my nose against his. “And don’t you ever forget that.”
“You know I won’t,” he tells me, pressing his mouth to mine for a brief kiss. His mouth opens on a small yawn and I realise that he’s still recovering and that he still needs to regain his strength.
“Get some rest,” I tell him, gently pushing him back down against the pillows.
“Only if you do too,” he says, fighting back another yawn.
“I wasn’t planning on going anywhere,” I inform him, making myself comfortable and getting as close to him as I possibly can. “Sleep now. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”
“Promise?” Trowa asks, peering at me with one eye. I nod and he allows both his eyes to fall shut. “All right, repeat after me. I, Heero Yuy, promise never to leave Trowa Barton’s bed for as long as I manage to live.”
“You can count on that,” I say huskily and he shakes with silent laughter once more. “Get some sleep, Tro. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“See you in the…” He’s out before he can finish the rest of the sentence and it doesn’t take me long to follow.
“Trowa, get in the God damned wheelchair!”
“No, Duo! Stop treating me like I’m an invalid!”
“Tro, you are an invalid,” Duo replies, trying to force the patient in question into the wheelchair that he’s so thoughtfully brought down here for the nurse. “Look, it’s in good shape and everything. I even took it for a test drive and it works just fine.”
He lowers himself into the chair to demonstrate and starts wheeling himself down the corridor. “This is actually pretty cool! Watch out! Shinigami and his all-seeing wheelchair of doom are on the prowl!”
I shake my head; narrowly avoid getting knocked down as I make my way over to where Trowa’s still perched on the edge of the bed. He’s got the all clear from the doctor and now I can take him home. Well, just as soon as I manage to persuade him to get into the wheelchair that is.
Trowa keeps refusing to get in it and I know that he’s still being stubborn about the fact that he needs help. Of course it didn’t help to have Duo using physical force in an attempt to get Trowa into the wheelchair. He should know Trowa well enough to know that he’ll never do anything he doesn’t want to do.
I however have no plans on staying in this hospital any longer so I step up to the bed and gather Trowa into my arms. “Heero, what are you doing?” he asks, struggling to get free.
“If you won’t use the wheelchair then I’ll just have to carry you out to the car,” I inform him, tightening my hold on him.
“Heero, put me down, I’m too heavy for you,” he protests, but I refuse to release him.
“No you’re not,” I reply as I make my way down the corridor, being careful not to drop my precious bundle. “You’ve lost too much weight lately. I’m going to have to start feeding you up, you know.”
“Great, now you’re starting to sound like my sister,” he says, sounding only mildly exasperated. I know he isn’t too pissed off about it though if the sensation of him snuggling against me is anything to go by.
I make my way outside, finally finding and managing to follow Duo as he leads us out to where the car’s parked. While he’s trying to work out how to fold the wheelchair up so that it’ll fit in the trunk, I look down at Trowa who’s watching Duo with an amused smile.
“You’re going to regret bringing that thing back with us, you know,” he says and I roll my eyes, knowing all too well what Duo’s like whenever he finds a new toy.
“It doesn’t matter just as long as you actually use it once in a while,” I tell him as I manoeuvre him into the back seat. He just sends a mock scowl in my direction as I settle myself down next to him, placing my arm around him. He rests his chin on the top of my head and I sigh in contentment.
“Ready to go?” Duo asks as he gets into the drivers seat. I nod in reply and he starts the car up, pulling out of the hospital parking lot. Yes, I’m ready to go. Ready to leave this place and start a new life with Trowa.
We still haven’t worked out where our relationship is going yet, but right now all I want is for him to get better before we go about making any life-changing decisions.
Trowa shifts a little, smiling down at me and I nestle closer to him, closing my eyes and listening to the steady beat of his heart. I don’t know where the future will take us. The only thing I’ll ever need though is him right here by my side where he belongs.
We have each other. And that’s all that matters.
End.