Disclaimer: I still don’t own these characters unfortunately, just borrowing
It’s already past two am and still he shows no sign of tiring. He’s been working on adjusting Heavyarms for hours now while I stay in the shadows and watch, letting him know I’m there, but not interfering with what he’s doing.
It’s how I always am around him; I tend to blend into the background until needed, never pushing him for anything, never judging him.
Neither of us says much, but it doesn’t bother me, in fact I rather like it. I think Heero is the only person where the long silences between us are comfortable rather than awkward. He doesn’t feel the need to make mindless small talk, which I’m grateful for. I’m not much of a communicator myself and our arrangement suits me just fine.
I trust him implicitly, which is strange considering the fact that I’ve been trained to be suspicious of everyone since I was very young. If I could pick out one good thing about myself, it would be my ability to read and understand other people. I’m more of a listener anyway and for some reason, people are drawn to me. I think the main reason is because they see me as a mystery, an enigma, but once they’ve figured me out, they’ll just move on and leave me.
It’s ironic really; I pride myself on being able to read others, but if anyone tries the same with me, I instantly withdraw. It irritates me, but also frightens me a little. Quatre is one of those kinds of people. I could tell every time he looked at me that he was trying to learn about me, understand me and that’s the reason I was so stand offish with him. I don’t allow people to see past my disguise. I can’t let anyone get too close; let them see what it is that I’m thinking. That’s the reason I’ve gotten so good at keeping a carefully blank expression.
I wrap my arms tighter around myself, but I repress the urge to shiver from the cold. I can understand Zech’s insistence on wanting to battle out here in the middle of Antarctica, but it doesn’t mean that I agree with it. I really don’t see the meaning in this battle; it isn’t going to achieve anything. I see it as a distraction and it makes me somewhat angry that we’re wasting time out here when we could be…should be protecting the colonies.
Heero doesn’t see it that way though. He means to fight this out to the bitter end, even if it means him dying out there on a barren wasteland of ice. Surely he realises the pointlessness of all this?
I said before that I had a fairly decent grasp on the human psyche, but Heero baffles me completely sometimes. I can see his logic, his reasons, but I still end up being confused. I still can’t work out why he makes me react the way I do either. I dropped my policy of never trusting another with him, I took care of him for over a month, trekked all over Europe with him and now here I am lending him my Gundam for him to use in this meaningless battle. I watch over him constantly to make sure that he’s all right and it puzzles me that I go to the extremes that I do for him.
It’s then when I look up at him, seeing the familiar shape of his body I realise that I care for him. I suppose it was there in the back of my mind just waiting to be acknowledged, but it still surprises me to think about it. I want to see Heero safe and I don’t like the idea of him intending to throw his life away so carelessly after all I’ve done for him. First the Noventa situation and now this.
My motions aren’t purely selfish, I know that Heero is of extreme importance and although no one is irreplaceable, he still has to stay strong so that he can fight in the war. I’d also like to think that I’d miss him if anything did happen to him. I thought that I’d gotten over such silly emotions a long time ago, but if anything were to happen to Heero, I think that I might be sad. I can’t tell for sure though as it’s been so long since I actually allowed myself to feel sadness.
I respect and admire Heero. He’s always so focused, so determined to complete his missions. Even someone as dead inside as I am can appreciate things and Heero is beauty personified. His most endearing feature is that he’s completely unaware of it. I’ve seen the way people look at him, how they react to him and I can’t say that I’m any different. I know he could never fall for someone like me though; I have nothing to offer anyone. I’m just a nameless soldier who drifts through life searching for a home that I will never find.
As much as I might try and push it aside, I long for acceptance. I just want to know how it feels to have someone hold me in their arms, feel them whisper promises and sweet nothings in my ears. I learned a long time ago not to waste your life away wishing for things that you didn’t have. Promises are cheap while people change and move on.
Briefly, I wonder what it would be like if Heero could ever offer me any of the things that I wanted. I know it’s stupid, but God help me, I want them! He already sees through the disguise I hide behind, knows more about me than most people do. I want to give in to my desires, allow myself to be completely vulnerable before him, but I know I’ll never go through with it.
My breath catches in my throat and my heart skips a beat when I look up again and his gaze catches mine. I can’t bring myself to escape those blue depths and I struggle to keep my face from betraying any emotion. He just stares at me calmly and I wonder what he’s thinking about. Neither one of us speaks for a long moment, but then he breaks the silence. “What time is it?”
“Two thirty-two AM. Let me take over,” I tell him. It’s about time he got some rest; he hasn’t taken a break all day.
“Appreciated,” he replies, wiping a hand over his brow. Shoving my hands in the pockets of my jeans, I make my way casually up to the raised platform.
“You should get some sleep,” I say tonelessly. He nods and then turns to leave. I’m just about to move to the computer when he reaches out and grabs my wrist. My eyes flicker down at him, not showing my surprise at his touch. “What is it?” I ask.
His grip tightens almost painfully, but I don’t pull away. “Nothing,” he says quietly, avoiding my gaze. “I just…I…thank you,” he says finally.
My eyebrow rises against my will. That’s the third time he’s thanked me in as many days. It’s unexpected, but not unpleasant. I kind of like knowing that he appreciates my efforts to care for him. “Anytime,” I reply simply. His hand releases my wrist and drops back to his side again and I miss the warmth. “Get some rest,” I add before turning away to pick up where he left off. “You’ll need it.”
He grunts in reply and I listen to the soft sound of his sneakers pattering against the metal platform as he retires back to his quarters for the night. I sigh as I get to work, trying to push all thoughts of Heero from my mind. If he’s going to go through with this battle in spite of my protests, the least I can offer him is to do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn’t die and right now I can do that by preparing my mobile suit for him. I may not agree with all of his decisions, but I know that I can and will continue to watch over him and keep him safe to the best of my abilities. For now at least, that’s more than enough.
End.