Let's just cut to the chase -
Posted on: 10th March 2007
“Get out!”
Duo’s voice kept ringing in my ears as I made my way downstairs and into the lobby. I felt numb and exhausted. I felt angry with Relena for showing up and destroying a perfectly good day.
I also felt angry with myself for not doing something, anything, to convince Duo that I was not gay.
But deep down, I knew I wanted him to know as well.
That moment of indecision, whether to tell him or not, cost me his friendship.
I sighed and leant against the front doors watching the snowfall outside.
I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m not dressed warmly enough to go outside. Forget shoes I didn’t even have socks on. I had no money and I had left my cell phone behind.
The only thing I had was the gun that I had stuffed in front of my pants.
I sat down on the ground feeling the chilled air from outside rush out from the bottom of the front door and ghost over my skin.
And the pasta must be paste by now.
The thought made me smile, just slightly, at the ridiculousness of the idea.
Here I am, probably homeless with no money and no way to contact anyone… and I’m worried about the state of the pasta I was making.
Pathetic.
I sat there for a while and eventually drifted off. When I woke up I was chilled to the bone and it was dark outside. I decided to head back up and sleep in the hallway if necessary… at least it’ll be warmer.
I got into the elevator and headed back up, feeling extremely awkward in my barefoot and tank top state when a lady dressed head to toe in woollens came with me. I nodded at her in greeting as though it was perfectly normal for me to be running outside half dressed.
Reaching my floor I said a quick goodnight to her and headed towards Duo and my apartment more out of habit than conscious thought.
What surprised me however was that the apartment door was open and Duo was standing leaning against the doorframe.
I slowed to a stop several feet away from him, wary that he may hit me again.
We stood there, both of us staring at each other and I was surprised to see that there was no anger in his eyes.
“Duo.” “Heero.” We both called at the same time and then quietened simultaneously waiting for the other to continue.
“I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry.” We both said at the same time again and I shut up embarrassed while Duo laughed out loud.
“We’re idiots aren’t we, Hee-chan?” He asked me and I smiled slightly, more out of confusion than anything.
He suddenly moved forward and tried to grab my hand. I jumped back out of reflex and watched him warily from further down the hall.
I saw his eyes sadden and he held his hands up showing me that he doesn’t mean me any harm.
“I’m sorry Heero! I shouldn’t have hit you!” He said to me and then added softly, “Please don’t run from me.”
I walked towards him slowly and then went past him into the apartment. I felt his frown more than saw it but I didn’t particularly feel like talking to him.
He followed me inside and closed the door behind us.
“I should have told you earlier.” I said, not looking at him as he went into the kitchen.
“Hee-chan? Would you like some hot chocolate? You look frozen?” He called cheerfully and I frowned. I was trying to have a serious conversation with him and he wanted to make me hot chocolate.
“Ah.” I said softly and he yelled out ‘okay’.
A little while later he had come into the living room where I was still standing feeling uncomfortable. For some reason it felt as though I was not welcome there and there was something very wrong with the atmosphere.
The normalcy of the situation felt very forced and everything I me was screaming escape.
He handed me one of the steaming hot chocolates and then told me to be careful since it’s hot. Before I might have told him that that was an obvious fact and thrown a Baka in for good measure. I didn’t say anything now and took a sip instead.
“Duo?”
He turned to look at me and I figured this is as good a time as any to talk to him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”
“Tell me what Hee-chan?” He asked and I gaped at him. How could he not know? Hell, he almost bashed my head in for it!
“About me being gay.” I said and I saw his eyes darken.
“Oh that. Don’t worry we’ll take care of it. Trust me.” He said flippantly and I worried.
“Take care of what Duo? There’s nothing to take care of.” I said to him putting the cup down and glaring at him.
“Hee-chan, it’s okay. I’ll fix it don’t worry!” He gave me a thumbs up.
“There’s nothing to fix!”
“Are you hungry?” He asked me suddenly and I just wanted to throttle him.
“There’s nothing to fix!”
“Yes there is! I have to show you how wrong you are for choosing this! I will fix you Heero!”
“I didn’t choose this! I just don’t get attracted to women! I like men Duo! Get used to it!”
“You can’t be gay! You’re Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier! Perfect does not go with gay!”
“My being a perfect soldier has nothing to do with my sexual orientation! As long as I accomplish my mission, who I fuck in my spare time should not be a problem!”
“Exactly! So go fuck as many girls as you want!”
“I don’t want a girl!”
“You’re not gay!”
“I. AM. GAY!” I screamed at him and pulled out the gun from my pants in one smooth motion and pointed it right between his eyes. “I’m gay Duo. Get used to it. Nothing you can do or say is going to change that.” I said coldly before putting the gun on the table and picking up the mug of hot chocolate I had placed there earlier. Ignoring burning of my tongue and throat, I swallowed the scorching liquid in one gulp.
I slammed the cup on the table and the headed to the bedroom.
“You’re not sleeping in there Hee-chan.” He said calmly without looking at me as he moved to pick up my, now empty, hot chocolate mug.
“What do you mean?” I asked stopping in my steps.
“I can’t sleep next to you knowing what you are.”
“I’m not going to rape you in your sleep if that’s what you’re worried about.” I said icily.
“You’re sleeping on the couch Heero.” He said, still infuriatingly calm.
“You have no right to tell me what I can or cannot do Duo. I pay my share of the rent and I have equal rights here. That is my bedroom and my bed Duo! You have no right whatsoever to tell me if I can sleep in it or not!” I yelled and walked into the bedroom purposefully and slammed the door shut and then locked it to make my point.
I stood in the middle of the bedroom feeling strange. I hadn’t ever felt so angry and frustrated at the same time. I don’t remember ever screaming like that either. I just wanted to rip everything apart and then blow the whole place up. I had a sudden and frightening urge to hurt myself, nothing lethal… just bang my head against the wall or smash my arm against the table.
A few minutes later, when I had calmed down enough and had seated myself defiantly on my bed, I heard Duo knocking on the bedroom door.
I sighed and got up. It’s not like I can keep him out, it’s his bedroom too.
I unlocked the door but didn’t open it and went back to sit on my bed with my back to the door. Unfortunately that made me face Duo’s bed.
I heard Duo open the door and then make his way to his bed quietly.
He sat down facing me and I looked down on the floor to avoid making eye contact.
“You’re angry because you’re wrong.” He said.
Remember how I said I had calmed down? Well the meagre calm I had achieve deserted me faster than I had previously thought possible.
My fists curled as I stubbornly refused to get into another shouting match with him.
“I’m calling Quatre. He’ll help me fix you.” He said soothingly and I boiled.
I saw his hands reach for my fisted ones and I froze. I was afraid that if I gave myself the luxury of moving I’d kill him.
He slowly wrapped his hands around mine and tried to gently unwrap my fingers. I wished through my anger that he was holding my hands like that because he loved me and not because he wanted to fix me.
“I understand what you are going through Heero. It is understandable that during the course of the war, when there weren’t many women around, you started having feelings for men. But now that it’s peace you don’t have to feel like that.” He continued running his fingers over mine trying to coax my hand to uncurl.
“What about you? You were a soldier too. If anything you are more promiscuous than I am. You didn’t feel anything for men? For us?” I gritted my teeth. I knew that my words would piss him off.
I felt his hands suddenly tighten over mine and I don’t think Duo even knew that he was doing that.
I expected him to deny violently what I had insinuated but instead he froze and paled.
It was a moment before he could compose himself enough to say anything.
“We’re not talking about me.” He said.
He runs, he hides but he never lies huh? Couldn’t deny it could he?
The realisation of that washed over me and suddenly… I knew. I knew why Duo reacted the way he did. I knew why he hit me, why he attacked me. I knew why, even though he was adamant about fixing me he was still holding my hands as though he was holding a lover’s hands.
“Duo… there’s nothing wrong with being gay.” I said softly to him, my anger gone. I got up, never breaking his hold on my hands and then kneeled in front of him such that our hands were resting in his lap and my face was close to his.
I saw that he had his lips in a thin line and his eyebrows were furrowed with either deep thought or extreme frustration.
“I…” For some reason I felt compelled to tell him that I loved him. But a voice in my head yelled at me to shut up before he kills me. “I…”
I decided that before I bare my heart out to him I wanted another confirmation.
“Duo?” He looked up at me but I couldn’t read his eyes. They were dark and angry. He made me rethink my idea. I looked down at out entwined hands and suddenly felt confident. The way he was holding my hands, as though I was his lifeline made me brave. I was not broken… Duo was just confused.
I looked up at him making eye contact and showing him that I was not scared of what he could do to me.
I’m still the perfect soldier. I can still kick his ass.
“Are you gay Duo?” There I said it.
Now if he lies then he breaks his vow, which he won’t. Therefore he won’t answer it. He’ll avoid it. He’ll say something like ‘We’re talking about you’ or ‘This isn’t about me’.
If he does that then I’ll have my answer.
However I didn’t expect him to rip his hand off mine, whip out my gun and then smash it against my temple. I felt my head snap to the side as I vaguely wondered why I was getting so beaten up today. I blacked out.
I heard someone moving as I woke up. Lying still I took stock of my surroundings as I noticed that the firmness of the mattress felt unfamiliar and the texture of the covers and blanket covering me was different.
Slowly I let my senses map where I was trying to figure out what was going on. Apart from the sound of someone walking the thing that struck me most was the smell: it told me that I wasn’t at home even more than the bed did and was at the same time familiar and unfamiliar. Whatever chord it struck in my memory it wasn’t a good one as I could feel my body tensing despite my brain’s commands.
I heard footsteps approach the bed and I forced myself to relax and shallow my breathing. I listened intently.
“I know you’re awake Hee-chan.” At the sound of his voice my eyes snapped open and I bolted upright all the while chanting ‘no, no, no’ in my head.
The sudden assault of bright sunlight in the room and my getting up quickly made a headache bloom behind my eyes and I barely stopped myself from crying out from the pain.
The entire right side of my face throbbed and even breathing made the headache worse.
I closed my eyes and grabbed my head as I fell back into soft pillows and mattress as I tried to will my headache away.
“Wow he gave you a nasty one didn’t he? I thought he’d be gentler since you two were in love.” His tone was sarcastic and I wished to be as far away from him as possible.
I tried to not listen to him but Duo’s mention made me feel as though the bottom of my stomach had dropped while at the same time it felt as though it was sitting in my throat.
“How…” I said hoarsely. Derosia chuckled stopping my attempt at asking a question.
“Yeah you must be confused right? One minute you’re being attacked by your boyfriend and the next you wake up in my bed.” He said the last two words in a sultry voice as I felt the mattress dip with his weight.
I felt the now familiar feeling of panic start creeping in and I jumped up ignoring my headache and started scrambling away from Derosia.
In a quick move he grabbed my ankle and pulled me back just as I was ready to crawl off the bed.
I noted somewhere in that back of my mind that for a single man, Derosia had too large a bed.
A cry escaped me when he flipped me back onto my original position and quickly straddled my waist, his hands holding my arms on either side of my head as he leaned down.
“Oh god I always wondered how you would look under me.” He mumbled, probably talking to himself. “But I never imagined that you would have half your face turning blue.” He smirked at me and trailed a finger down the bruise blossoming over half my face.
I glared at him with all that I had but he started laughing instead. That kind of reaction does wonders to a guy’s self esteem.
“Now… getting back to your original question.” He said as he leaned down and nuzzled my neck. “Maxwell brought you to me.”
I stiffened at his answer. I didn’t believe it. Duo said he’d never leave me alone with Derosia and Duo never lies. He would never leave me with him! He can’t! He can’t do something like that to me!
“No! He wouldn’t do that!” I said stubbornly and my head throbbed now more from confusion and frustration than the actual blow.
“No? Why don’t you ask him yourself?” He said to me as he lightly bit my ear and I recoiled in disgust.
Then he rolled off of me and went to sit beside me making himself comfortable and started petting my head as I sat up to take a good look around the room.
The bright light was still making my head hurt and I squinted against the window. Then someone moved towards the window and closed the curtains.
My mouth dropped open when my eyes landed on the long chestnut braid and the all too familiar jacket.
“Duo?” I whispered. Then I felt anger returning to the surface as I looked at Derosia on my side and Duo at the end of the room.
“You were attacking me while Duo was standing right here?!” I asked him incredulously and he smirked in answer. Then I turned to Duo, “And you let him!?” I accused.
“You didn’t look like you minded much.” He said calmly, shrugging.
I felt Derosia shift as he started playing with the hem of my tank top while kissing a path from my elbow to my shoulder.
“Yes I mind! I mind very much!” I pulled my hand away from him and crawled across the bed towards Duo, surprised when Derosia let me.
“Duo!” I just didn’t know what to say anymore. I felt tired and defeated. I just longed to go home, to go to a time when Duo clapped me on the shoulder, gave me spontaneous hugs, promised me he’ll stay with me.
I suddenly wished very much to be wanted by him.
“Duo… you promised… you never lie.” I said softly to him. I knew I was begging but I knew that without Duo I’d fall into that pit of blackness that came every time Derosia touched me.
I saw Duo’s eyes darken a little more when I said that and he looked at me, indecision written in every line of his face.
Derosia got up from the bed probably feeling threatened that Duo might take me back.
“Maxwell! Remember…” Duo shot him a look and Derosia shut up suddenly.
I raised an eyebrow in curiosity. What exactly had Derosia been about to say?
“Duo, don’t leave me here please?” I touched his arm softly, feeling braver when he didn’t pull away. “Duo?” I asked again when he stayed quiet.
Derosia suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back until he had his arms wrapped around my torso and my back was in contact with his chest. He placed his chin on my shoulder and licked my neck.
“Maxwell. Leave.” He said as he started sucking and kissing my neck. I watched Duo glare at him and then look at me with a look that seemed apologetic.
“Duo, please!” I called out giving him a panicked look as Derosia slipped a hand under my tank and started rubbing my stomach and chest. I struggled trying to get away from him all the while maintaining eye contact with Duo.
“Maxwell! I said leave us!” Derosia growled. Duo didn’t move.
“Duo?” My headache was blinding now and my hope that Duo won’t leave me was starting to fade. I realised that he was just going to stand there and do nothing as I was attacked by Derosia.
“Stop!” I yelled when Derosia slipped a hand down my pants. I was still in the same outfit as last night and I was not wearing any underwear.
I struggled against his grip as his hand curled around my penis. Suddenly my vision narrowed and in a burst of strength caused by fear and adrenalin I broke away one arm and then elbowed him hard into the side.
Derosia let go with a gasp and I darted towards the bedroom door.
And Duo just stood there.
Derosia grabbed me quickly by my tank top and then pulled. I felt the tank rip and I pushed forward even through the rip.
It had, however, reduced my speed just enough that he grabbed my hand, pulled me back and then slapped me hard on the same side of my face that Duo had hit.
I saw stars as adrenalin refused to let me lose consciousness but my coordination suffered nonetheless.
“Derosia! Don’t hurt him!” Duo called and I looked up weakly from the ground where I had landed, my one side pulled up where Derosia was holding my arm up.
That bastard… he’s watching but he won’t do anything… I trusted him!
Using my ripped tank Derosia tied my hands behind my back as I glared at Duo through my pain.
Why the fuck did he look so tortured? I was the one about to be raped! He has no right to look that pitiful!
Derosia wrapped a hand around my neck and pulled me up. I struggled to breath without letting him know that he was blocking my air.
“It’s easier to let the pain show Heero. This is not an interrogation. I’m not asking for information. Acting brave, acting as though it doesn’t hurt won’t help.” He smiled at me, his face contorting into an evil self-praising look.
“For example.” He continued as he tightened his hand on my neck. I choked as he cut off my air supply. “You have to let me know when you can’t breath because if you don’t… I might just end up crushing your air pipe.”
“I said. Don’t. Hurt. Him.” Duo said as he pulled Derosia’s hand away from my neck. I landed back on the ground as I heaved a large breath in… too large and it sent me into a coughing fit.
“Maxwell. We had a deal. Now get lost. He’s mine to do with as I please.” I didn’t see them. I was busy hacking my lungs out. But I heard him.
I could feel Duo’s eyes snap to me and for a moment the only sound in the room was that of my laboured breathing.
“Oh!” Derosia said suddenly sounding incredibly proud of himself. “Hee-chan wasn’t supposed to know was he? I terribly am sorry… I didn’t mean to strain your model friendship.” He mocked.
“Heero…” Duo started saying but I turned my head away from him.
“What…” I was interrupted by a coughing fit. I swallowed several times after it had passed to make sure I could finish my sentence this time. “What did you get in exchange for me Duo? How much… how much did he pay you? How much am I worth huh Duo?!” I yelled but I ended up coughing again.
“Oh… he didn’t ask for money.” Derosia told me.
I looked questioningly at Duo who, instead of answering me, glared at Derosia. “You said you loved him! How could you hurt him like this?”
“Oh? Love? Like you love him?” Derosia said slyly and Duo froze. “But you see Duo you don’t have a right to tell me not to hurt him. Not anymore.”
I felt as though I had been thrown into a tub full of ice water. I didn’t bother to struggle anymore as Derosia lifted my chin up and planted his lips firmly on mine – an obvious show for Duo… but he still didn’t do anything.
Actually, he did do something. He left.
You know how they say that there’s a fine line between love and hate?
I think I just started hating Duo.
A/N: I aced my essay! Thanx to all you guys I have actually improved my writing!! YAAAAAYYYYY!! Cookies and cakes for everyone!! (virtual of course... I don't anyone to get diabetes and die ... aaaaaaannnddd I'm broke)
Next chappy will be out soon! It won't be such a long wait this time! (Hopefully. There's always a hopefully)
Until next time!
Persephone