AN: My first GW fic ever! I actually like it still! YA! Once again, I tried to spell and grammar check, but I’m sure a lot slipped through. And, once again, I was listening to WAY too much Neil Young (do you see an obsession? I DO! I love him!!) so this story was named after a song (Harvest) and also takes a sentence from that song. Actually, that song’s lyrics helped shape the story. So everyone thank Mr. Young for this fic! ^__^ I really wasn’t depressed or sad at the time I wrote this, I don’t know why it turned out like this...
~thinking~
Tap. Tap... Tap..
The footsteps echoed across the room.
Tap... Tap. Tap...
Slowly he moved down the isle. Stumbling along the way. Holding onto the pews for support, swaying with each step he took.
~Where is she? ~
Tap....
She looks down at him. Eyes watching him approached her. Arms out stretched, so she could take him in her embrace, to sooth all the pain away. She is the Mother, she could do that, make the pain disappear, but he couldn’t let her. Wouldn’t let her. He looks at her face, that of an angel, loving, caring, but in so much pain.
~Does she understand my pain? Can I tell her? ~
Tip. Tip. Tip
“I still hate your son.” He says in half delusion to the Mother. She never wavers. So he continues. “For everything he has done to me, I can’t forgive him. Because he’s cold and uncaring, because he let me be hurt so many times. For his cruelty, I hate him.”
~Is she listening? Does it matter anymore? ~
Tip. Tip. Tip
“I couldn’t trust him. Put my faith in him. He never showed me anything to believe in. I was all alone, but a person can’t live alone. So I put my trust in man. I already know that people screw up, but they seemed to be able to fix their mistakes, have the ability to learn from the past and forgive those they love. But now I see I was wrong. Maybe I was the one to make the grave mistake in believing in man. Maybe...” he thinks about his words. A pause fills the room like and endless echo. He interrupts the silence. “ Maybe I shouldn’t have put my faith in the promise of a man. Perhaps I should have believed in the promise of a woman. A mother can forgive the past mistakes of her child and love them through their future ones.”
~I want to believe in that. At least that much I want to believe. ~
Tip. Tip. Tip
In question he looks at her. She still does nothing but watch him, holding her arms to him.
“But I wouldn’t know if that were true or not. Every mother I’ve ever had was taken away from me, before I could ever find out the truth. Your son took them from me.” He spit the last sentence out. Anger dripping from each word.
Tip. Tip. Tip
The boy lets out a soft sigh. The anger gone, only the pain of loss is left to fill his world. “I think I can talk to you though, and you may actually listen to me, possible even care about what I say.” He looks at the ground at her feet. His vision blurs, and he sways even though he stands in place.
~Weak. I’m so weak. I’m so tired. And sick. ~
Tip. Tip. Tip
“ I love him you know. Since the day I saw him I knew I wouldn’t be able to let him go” He snickers to himself. “Can you forgive me for that? For loving another man? It truly is the least of my sins.” He looks back at her. She doesn’t answer him. “Well, I do love him. I’d do anything for him, because I love him, but I guess love isn’t enough anymore. Love can’t keep people together to try and fix trough their problems anymore.”
~Why couldn’t he forgive me? Why couldn’t I learn from my mistakes? ~
Tip. Tip. Tip
His eyes burn. The pain inside him burns. He couldn’t keep his pain inside anymore. Can’t keep anything anymore.
~Isn’t that why I came here? To let the pain out? Why can’t I give it up? It hurts so much. ~
Tip. Tip. Tip
“I have nothing left anymore. Everything has been taken from me. Family, happiness, love, promises, even hope of something better to come. It’s all gone. And it seems that it was a man who took it all away from me. Unless what I’ve been told is a lie and your son truly is a women. But Heero, him I know to be a man.” This brings a grin to the boy, he even chokes out a laugh. Wetness slides down his cheek. A trail of sorrow. He frowns, realization crossing him. How sad it is to see what is to be true when you wish it wasn’t.
~All I have left is my pain. It will be gone soon enough though. So why fight to keep it? ~
Tip.. Tip.. Tip..
His legs feel so heavy. He knew he had little time. He needed to tell her, ask her, beg her to explain to him. He wavered, legs to weak to support him. Falling to his knees, he stares at her from the floor. She never loses contact with him though. Her site still focused on him alone.
~She knows. She know everything already. I can’t hide anything from her. I don’t want to. ~
Tip. Tip.. Tip.
“He didn’t understand! How much the sorrow the memories gave me!” He cries to her, looking for condolence, for forgiveness. “Don’t you see?! I couldn’t have gone this far with out them! But he couldn’t see that! Couldn’t see. So he threatened me. And I tried to stop! I tried so hard for him...” Sobs fill the room. The new silence. He looks away, her gaze to much to bear. “I love him so much, but it wasn’t enough . I couldn’t stop.”
~Didn’t he love me? The way I love him? Maybe that was the problem. ~
Tip.. Tip. Tip...
He bows his head. Love does this to people. They don’t think. Love is an emotion, you don’t think when it come to motions. You DO. And then, it’s a race to the end.
~Tell me why. Why he did this to me.~
Tip. Tip... Tip..
He speaks through sobs. “When he found out, he was so mad at me. Said so many mean things to me. Could he really mean them? I begged him to take me back. Give me another chance... and he did.” A smile creeps across his face. “Because he loves me.” A truth.
~He loves me. Too much. He loves me too much. ~
Tip. Tip... Tip..
He looks back up at her. Tears streaking his cheeks. “I did it again.” A statement of a fact. A truth that could never be altered and always repeated. “So he left me. Because he loves me. Because I couldn’t change. He left me.” He watches her. She watches him. No movement. No tears.
~Could it have been different? If we were able to change. Would that have made a difference? ~
Tip. Tip... Tip..
“I know I can’t change. I’m doing this so we both won’t be hurt more than we already have been.” His logic made sense. It always made sense to him. “And that’s why I’m here. To tell you. Because you’ll forgive me, right? Of all people, you’ll love me and you’ll forgive me, always.”
~Love me. Forgive me. Understand I had to do this. Because things would never change. Never work out. Because I love him. ~
Tip. Tip... Tip..
With pleading eyes he asks his last questions. Doubt will always plague the soul. “Was this suppose to happen? In the end, was this how it was to turn out? Am I doing the right thing? In the end?”
~The end. The end, the end, the end... I wonder how it will be. The end. And if it’s worth a begging. ~
True silence.
And she still watches him. She’s always watched him. She’ll always lover her children. And will always forgive them if they ask. So, she cries.
Piss poor is how to describe the way he felt. He hasn’t been able to sleep, to even function in any normal way, not since he last yelled at Duo. He had made his love cry. He told him he couldn’t stand him. Never wanted to see him again. Now he regrets saying it. But he wasn’t thinking at the time.
It’s been a few days since then. Since he walked out on Duo. He would call him soon. Tell him he was willing to give it another try. Give THEM another chance. If Duo was willing to stop the drugs, he would help him, be by his side, always. He knew Duo didn’t need them, but it’s been so long since Duo had lived without them, he couldn’t realize that.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Heero answers the phone. Hoping it’s Duo. He’ll say he’s sorry about what he said. But first, he’ll tell him he loves him. That he’ll always love him.
“Hello.”
“Heero? Oh Heero, I’m so sorry. You must be devastated!”
How quickly you can go from feeling piss poor to completely and utterly frightened. “Quatre, what the hell are you talking about?”
Silence.
“You don’t know? You really haven’t heard yet? Oh my. Hurry, put on the news.”
The world held its breath.
Click. Click. Click.
“The body of the young man was found early this morning, an hour before first mass. Obvious death was from self inflicted cuts to the wrists.
“Thousands are flocking to the church. Saying that the ‘Crying Virgin’ is a miracle. A sign that suicide is a sin.” The TV cuts into a close up of a statue of the Mother Mary’s face, blood raining down her cheeks.
“It is still unknown why the young man, recently identified as Duo Maxwell, killed himself. Investigators are still...”
Thump.
The phone dropped in shock.
“Heero? HEERO?!” Quatre’s voice isn’t even a whisper to his friend.
A heart is broken. A soul is lost.
~I did this to you. I know it. But why? Why did you do this to me. I love you. And I thought you loved me too.~
Fin.
“Dream up, dream up, let me fill your cup with the promise of a man”
AN: Now go listen to “God Bless the Child” by Billie Holiday! but you can listen to the Diana Ross version too, that’s the one I’m listening to right now! It’s a great song to end this story with! And while you’re at it, go listen to Neil Young’s ‘Harvest’ (just the cd or the whole album, I don’t care! Go Wild!)
~God Bless the Child~
Them that’s got shall get
Them that’s not shall lose
So the Bible said and it still is news
Mama may have, Papa may have
But God bless the child that’s got his own
That’s got his own
Yes, the strong gets more
While the weak ones fade
Empty pockets don’t ever make the grade
Mama may have, Papa may have
But God bless the child that’s got his own
That’s got his own
Money, you’ve got lots of friends
Crowding round the door
When it’s gone, spending ends
They don’t come no more
Rich relations give
Crust of bread and such
You can help yourself
But don’t take too much
Mama may have, Papa may have
But God bless the child that’s got his own
That’s got his own
He just worry ‘bout nothin’
Cause he’s got his own