**read this first!!** this fic has some warnings and notes that must be read or else i take no responsibility. first, most people have read at least 1 fic where heero is an insensitive jerk to duo cuz he can't express his feelings and leaves him or hurts him or whatever. they're everywhere. well i don't like my hee-chan always being the bastard so i reversed the roles in this fic - be warned the duo will be the jerk this time. second, don't read this if you don't like pain or those fics that sorta make you freak out and go "oh my god oh my god!" this doesn't just have a suicide attempts - it has multiple attempts. fair warning. next is yaoi. if you can't tell i love 1x2/2x1 fics the most; although i can't write lemons so none of that. there's also a bit of 3x4/4x3. on lighter note, there's a super obsecure wufei and sally thing somewhere in here and you'll only find it if you're as crazy as i am. but if you can find it ( and have a little patience) tell me and i'll write you something if you want. disclaimer is: i don't own gundam. clear enough? this is the longest fic i've written so far and i'd really appreciate any feedback on it kudasai. 'k. now read it. ~lita
1 month after endless waltz:
heero carefully pulled back the layers of tissue paper as duo watched him w/ eager eyes. the last layer uncovered a meticuously carved glass rose. the japanese boy held it before his eyes in amazement. a variety of shades swirled through bothe the stem and red petals. the thing that caught his attention though, was the two leaves; each of their names were delicately carved into one.
duo smiled at the other boy's reaction. "it's my promise to you."
"promise?"
"mm-hm." he plucked the rose from heero's fingers, twirling it btwn his own before placing it in a vase beside their bed. "i love you, heero. this is a symbol of that."
swallowing hard, heero tried to force his feelings into words. "y-you know that i...care about you too, duo. but...i hardly know...what love is. i'm not even sure..."
"shh." the braided boy's smile never faltered. "i know hee-chan. that's my promise. i'll teach you. i'll teach you how to love and feel - not just to be alive, but to live. w/out a war we can love, and i won't give up on that."
those words touched deep in heero's soul, warming him even more. duo loved him. and w/ that love he could learn to live.
1 year later:
sunlight broke through the curtains, slowly illuminating the dark bedroom. heero groaned and rolled over to bury his face in the masses of chestnut hair beside him. he was met w/ only a cold pillow and empty sheets and blinked in surprise. his lover was never up before him. "duo?"
recieving no nswer, the japanese boy slid out of bed to look for him. the bathroom was empty; no overflow of steam from the american's shower. downstairs was only the soft whispers of the other pilots; if duo had been down there, heero would've been able to hear him. realizing he could possibly be outside, heero hurried back to their room to dress.
as he sat down on their rummpled sheets, his prussian eyes caught sight of something that made his heart stop.
on the bedtable sat their promise rose, still in its vase w/ a small white note card leaning against it. heero reached for it w/ shaking fingers. one word was scrawled in duo's writing:
goodbye
heero dropped the card quickly, unable to control his shaking. "no....no, duo. you promised." unconsiously he reached for the rose. but it brought another tear at his heart rather than a reassurance, and his eyes widened in shock.
the glass leave that bore heero's name was untouched, but duo's had been smoothed out.
unable to face the evidence in front of him and what it meant, heero tore out of the room and down the stairs as fast as he could. duo couldn't leave him. he just couldn't; and pain like he'd never experienced before ripped through his entire heart and soul.
quatre, trowa and wufei all jumped and turned to the door as heero ran into the kitchen and fell to the floor, clad only in his boxers. his face held a wild, desperate, disbelieveing and absolutely tortured expression.
"oh god," quatre whispered. he glanced at the other two. "either of you want to do this?" both wufei and trowa shook their heads, backing up slightly. the small blond sighed and knelt down next to heero, placing a hand on the trembling boy's shoulder.
"gomen nasai, heero." quatre gently eased the boy to his feet and sat him down at the table. trowa set a cup of coffee in front of him, which heero merely stared at blindly. "he just left early this morning. he didn't tell us much of anything, but it isn't your fault, heero. you didn't do anything wrong."
instead of relieveing a little of the pain as he'd hoped, heero's eyes went dead blank at quatre's words. every type of emotion was drained, leaving only cold, blue emptiness.
w/out uttering a single sound, the japanese boy stood stiftly and moved slowly back up the stairs. quatre, trowa and wufei followed after a moment, watching as he disappeared into the bathroom. minuets later, they heard the sound of running water and breathed a tiny sigh of relief. they'd all been expecting a much more violent reaction.
"maybe he just needs to get over the shock," wufei ventured. "duo really did mean a lot to him."
"he meant everything to him," quatre whispered.
hours later they still hadn't heard from heero, and it seemed he was still locked inthe bathroom. the lack of response to the whole situation was slightly unnerving for the remaining three boys.
quatre glanced up the stairs nervously for the hundredth time that hour before pressing closer to trowa. the taller boy wrapped his arms around the blond comfortingly.
wufei shook his head in exasperation and rose gracefully to his feet. "look, will it make you feel better if i go check on him, quatre?"
"oh! but-but i don't want to intrude on him..."
"will you stop worrying so much if i check on him?"
"well...hai," the arab finally conceated.
inclining his head slightly, the chinese boy slipped upstairs and knocked gently on the bathroom door. "yuy?"
recieving no answer, he nudged the door open slightly and peered in. "yuy?" the room appeared empty, so he stepped all the way in, glancing around in confusion. the sight that greeted him froze wufei in place for a full half minute before his mind caught up and spurred him into action. "HEERO!!!"
the japanese boy had filled the tub nearly to the rim and water dripped over the edges onto the floor. wufei hadn't seen him at first because heero had completely submerged himself. by now his face had gone slack , mouth barely open, and his body floated limply just below the surface.
by the time wufei had gotten him out of the tub nad onto the tiled floor, quatre and trowa were standing in the doorway. "what happened?!" quatre practically shrieked. trowa squeezed his hand tighty, his own eyes wide w/ concern. wufei barely glanced at them as he continued trying to breathe some life back into the deathly still boy.
the room remained absolutely silent except for the ragged sound of the chinese boy's breath, until at long last heero drew in a sharp breath on his own. rolling onto his side, his body shook w/ the force of the water he began coughing up.
wufei sat back on his heels and felt his shoulders sag in relief. he glanced at the other two and saw similar expressions on both their faces as well.
quatre balanced the tray of food he was carrying carefully on one hand to quietly push the door to heero's room open. it had been two days since duo had left, and the japanese boy had yet to east anything. the blond arab set the tray on the desk before spotting heero half buried on his hands and knees in his closet, seemingly searching for something. not wanting to startle his friend, he waited patiently for him to finish.
when heero finally did drag himself backwards out of the closet, he simply sat back and stared at the object in his hands. quatre raised an eyebrow at the sight questioningly and was about to say something when he raised the item into view. eyes widening in fear, quatre cried out and tried to grab the gun away. wing's pilot fought the smaller boy to keep it, but had lost the strength, physically and spiritually, to fight for anything and relenquished the small gun.
"stop it heero!" quatre was practically in tears. "why do you have to do this? yes he left, but it wasn't your fault and it's not worth your life!"
heero only stared up at him w/ empty blue eyes, not uttering a sound.
the next morning, trowa walked into the kitchen, stopping short as he caught sight of heero rummaging through the pilots' recently acquired junk drawer. puzzled, as heero had barely left his room w/in the past four days, he stared at the japanese boy. then, remembering quatre's experience the evening before, he slipped out of sight to watch him.
just as he had disappeared around the corner, he heard the drawer slam shut. a minute later, heero walked past and up the stairs, whatever he'd found concealed in his hand. trowa counted to 55 before following.
peering into heero's room though, he immediately threw caution to the wind. grabbing a discarded t-shirt from a nearby chair, trowa had the cloth torn into strips by the time he'd reached heero.
the smaller boy lay slumped over against the window seat, a razor blade dangling loosely from his fingertips. blood oozed slowly from a three inch cut on each arm, which the japanese boy seemed to watch w/ some sort of empty curiosity.
trowa hauled the weaker boy up to sit on the window seat and quickly wrapped his cuts. he could worry about them being properly cleaned and bandaged once the bleeding had stopped. shortly, the ragged t-shirt scraps were soaked in blood, but the wounds were already beginning to dry up and scab over.
trowa made sure both cuts were securely wrapped w/ clean bindings before putting heero to bed and searching out the other two pilots. neither were happy w/ the news.
"what are we going to do?" quatre whispered, clutching at trowa's arm worriedly. "we can't just keep catching him after every attempt. if we miss one it'll be too late. he needs some sort of help."
his lover nodded in agreement.
"no." both turned to see hard determination in wufei's dark eyes. "he needs duo."
that evening wufei sat alone in his room reading. quatre and trowa had gone out to dinner in hopes of some tiny bit of relief from the whole situation. the chinese boy didn't mind. he knew quatre was nearing emotional overload and needed the break. besides which, he liked the quiet.
minutes later, a loud THUNK! jerked wufei from his thoughts as he dropped his book. jumping to his feet, he hurried to heero's door. he flipped on the light only to find the room empty.
"kuso," he cursed under his breath. "damnnit, yuy, stop pulling this stuff."
moving down the hall, wufei checked each room in turn, searching for the missing pilot. finally noticing a light from beneath the bathroom door, he hurried in.
he found heero collapsed on the floor, coughing viciously and trying to hide it. beside him lay four or five open bottles of various types of medications. most of them were completely empty.
cursing again, wufei grabbed heero and dragged him to his feet. the pair stumbled down the stairs and out to wufei's car. he set the blue eyed boy down in the passenger seat, grabbing his cell phone even as he sped out of the driveway.
quatre and trowa ran down the hospital corridor towards the room the nurse had directed them to. trowa remained stone faced as ever, but his eyes were deeply troubled. quatre's eyes, on the other hand, were red rimmed from obvious tears. they both skidded to a halt as they caught sight of wufei sitting on the floor, dark head buried in his hands.
the chinese boy raised his head at their approach. his features looked absolutely haggard and drained but not yet defeated. "he's still alive."
quatre's shoulders dropped visibly, and he sank to the floor next to wufei, pulling trowa w/ him. "oh, thank allah."
they sat in silence, each left to his own thoughts, until the doctor came out of heero's room, and all three immediately leapt to their feet.
the doctor was a tall, lanky man w/ an air of arrogance. the kind of doctor who didn't really seem to care for any individual patient; just cold, calculated facts. "well, i take it you are mr. yuy's...family?"
"hai!" quatre exclaimed, pushing in front of the other two. wufei was glaring at the man as if he'd like to teach him some manners w/ his sword. " will he be alright?"
sighing in annoyance, the doctor glanced down at his clipboard. "well, he's sleeping now and should be out of danger, but i would hardly consider him ' alright'."
"what do you mean?" trowa asked quietly.
the skinny man rolled his eyes. "well, he just tried to overdose himself on drugs. not to mention he's practically starved, those cuts on his arms and, i would assume, various other suicide attempts. he is obviously in need of some serious psychiatric help; which i would suggest you get for him." w/ that he turned on his heel and disappeared down the corridor.
"why that selfish, stuck-up, baka ya—"
"wufei!" quatre cut him off mid-rant. "we all know that, and it won't help now. besides that, he does have a point. heero needs help and maybe a psychiatrist would be good for him."
the chinese boy shook his head fiercely. "no. i will not agree to put yuy through that. especially when i know it won't help him. he would never agree to it or forgive us for it. there are too many things in his - and all of our - pasts for someone like that to fuck w/."
"wufei, we don't know that anyone would have any reason to—"
"no." wufei crossed his arms and stared at quatre w/ the finality of his answer, daring the blond to challenge him.
"fine." quatre held up his hands in defeat. " no psychiatrists. but what are we going to do?"
"we get him out of here," wufei declared sternly. "now. and then we find duo."
three days later they were no closer to finding the american pilot than when they'd started. when shinigami wanted to disappear, he vanished completely. btwn the continuous search and constantly having someone w/ heero, all three boys were exhausted and near their wits ends.
trowa plodded down the stairs, rubbing his eyes, after having spent the night on the floor in heero's room. the japanese boy was still asleep, and he should have enough time to get the coffee started before wufei came to take over.
no sooner had he turned on the water then the vidscreen across the room beeped. raising his one visible eyebrow, he hit the answer button and nearly choked when he saw the caller. "duo..."
"ohayo, tro!" the braided boy chirped cheerfully. "how ya been?"
green eyes narrowed dangerously. "duo, you bastard. don't you dare hang up. i need to get quatre and wufei."
duo jerked backwards at the silent boy's harsh greeting. "s-sure, trowa. whatever you say."
both quatre and wufei were up and downstairs instantly when they heard who the call was from. and neither had very warm welcomes for their run-away companion.
"baka yaro! duo, you insensitive jerk! have you no sense of honor at all?! just leaving him to die like that?!"
"allah, duo, how could you?! you had no right to just pick up w/out giving any explanation - especially to heero. do you have any idea what you're doing to him?!"
"now hold it right there," duo cut off their comments w/ an angry glare. " since when do you three decide what i can and can't do? this is btwn me and heero. whom-" he held up one finger at their protests. "i do not want to talk to yet."
wufei snorted. "you couldn't talk w/ him even if you did want to."
"nani?" the american boy hadn't missed the look they's all given each other. "what are you talking about?"
before anyone could answer him, a muffled thud! from upstairs froze the three pilots in place.
"k'so! yuy!" wufei threw both quatre and trowa a significant glance before hurrying towards the stairs. "i'll take care of yuy. you can deal w/ him. " he glared at the vidscreen. "hopefully he hasn't gotten a hold of anything more dangerous than a razor blade."
as the chinese boy disappeared upstairs, quatre let out a hollow, humorless laugh. "isn't it odd how we're praying that he'll just use a method we can stop easily rather than that he's alright?"
by this point, duo, being on the other end of the vidscreen, was quite confused and ticked off. "what the hell is going on over there?"
trowa turned back to face the american boy. "why don't you tell us why you left and why you're calling now, and then we'll tell you what happened here."
violet eyes narrowed, irritably. "this is none of your business."
"oh, but it is." quatre's voice almost sounded zero-like. "heero's our friend. so when you endangered his life, it became our business."
duo reeled back as if he'd been slapped, eyes huge. "en-endangered his l-life?"
"start explaining duo."
the chestnut head dropped and his shoulder's drooped miserably. "i never meant to hurt him. i guess i was just....scared. the closer we became, the more heero began to open up - which was what i had originally wanted, i know. but once he opened up and i saw beneath the perfect soldier, i found an innocent little boy, so wonderfully pure in heart and perfect in a way the soldier never could be. and i loved him all the more for it. still do."
"then why did you leave?" quatre practically shrieked. trowa set a gentle hand on the blond's shoulder to calm him down.
duo scrubbed at his eyes w/ the back of his hand before continuing. " because....because i don't deserve him. beneath the perfect soldier is an innocent boy. beneath shinigami is a ratty street thief. i was an evil little brat long before i was ever a gundam pilot and stained w/ that blood; born w/ a curse of death. i love heero so much, and i won't taint him w/ my sins. he's already been through more than anyone should ever have to face."
he paused for a moment to catch his breath. quatre and trowa were both staring wide-eyed and shocked at the confession.
"i called because i know i need to talk w/ him. but i wanted to see how he was dealing first. i can't talk to him until he's had some time to sort of get over me."
quatre shook his head, tears beginning to well up in his blue yes. "allah, duo, he's not going to 'get over' you. he's practically dead already."
"NANI?"
"you mean everything in the world to him, but then one day you just left w/ no explanation at all. he hasn't spoken a single word since you left. and not like during the war. this time it's more like his vocal chords have been ripped out. he only eats what one of can force into him. he's lost maybe 12 pounds in a week and barely leaves his room."
"except for the suicides," trowa added quietly.
"s-suicides?" duo managed to choke out, voice shaking obviously.
the blond arab nodded. "maybe four or five attempts: drowning, gun, cutting and overdosing. if we're lucky, just now all he tried to do was cut himself again. wufei can stop that a lot easier than taking him to the hospital to get his stomach pumped again."
duo had sunk to the floor just out of the two boys' sight on the screen, but they could hear his whispered cries and how near he was to tears. "oh god, if i had know....i didn't want to hurt him....hee-chan....i'm sorry....di'n' t want....hurt....hee-chan...."
"duo...." quatre's voice was gentle and commanding at the once. "one of us has been staying w/ him all the time, but he needs you. you have to come back."
the violet eyed boy nodded mutely. "i can be there in two hours."
two hours later to the minute, duo came tearing through the door at breakneck speeds, nearly running trowa over in the process. "gomen, tro! oi, take these for me will ya? arigatou!" he tossed his bags to the green eyed boy before racing through the house. at the bottom of the stairs, though, he suddenly stopped short and looked back a little sheepishly. "he's still upstairs, ne?"
trowa nodded.
"arigatou!" he turned and bolted up the stairs, skidding to a halt just outside their - no, heero's - room. hopefully though, it would soon be their room again. duo couldn't believe how nervous he was about facing the japanese boy. he'd always refused to be intimidated, even when everyone else was. taking a deep breath, he slipped inside, carefully closing the door behind him.
heero was sitting on the window seat staring out at the frozen trees and fields. he had his arms wrapped around his legs, pulling them tight against his chest and his chin resting on his knees. in the dark shadows of the bedroom he looked like nothing more than a frightened, lost little boy.
duo took a few hesitant steps towards the huddled figure, trying desperately to calm his racing heart. "heero?"
a sharp intake of air, and the toussled head rose ever so slightly. immediately, though, the entire figure curled tighter to itself, barely shaking in the dead light.
duo's heart nearly broke at the sight. he worriedly knelt on the seat next to the japanese boy and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder lightly. "hee-chan?"
heero flinched at his touch and tried to shrink further in on himself. duo pulled back instinctively, hurt, but knowing it was his own fault. "heero, look at me. please. i won't hurt you."
the silence between the two boys was absolutely deafening. time froze for an eternity until at last heero raised his head ever so slowly. duo jerked back in shock and gasped.
this was not the boy he'd known and left behind. deadly pale skin was covered in bruises and clung to the bones of a severely malnutricioused body. dark hair hung limply over a red and tear-stained face. fresh bandages peeked out from the sleeves of an oversized sweatshirt that he knew shouldn't be oversized; just as he knew the scars and wounds those bandages hid.
but the thing that scared him the most was heero's eyes. eyes were the window to the soul, and heero's soul had known life. it had known grief and pain and hatred and sorrow, hope and concern and laughter and love. but now there was nothing reflected there. not even the cold, emotionless eyes of the war. nothing. the love was gone, the friendships were gone, the tortured childhood was gone, and even the perfect soldier was gone. nothing.
"hee-chan!!" duo couldn't help it. he flung himself at the fragile boy, wrapping his arms around his waist, burying his head against his chest and sobbing uncontrollably.
heero sat there unmoving before hesitantly lifting his hands to rest lightly on the american's arms and breathing in his scent deeply.
"oh god, hee-chan. gomen nasai. i'm so sorry. this wasn't supposed to happen. i never wanted to hurt you. i'm sorry. i just wanted to protect you. i knew i didn't deserve you. god, i'm sorry. i love you, hee-chan. even when i left i loved you. please, please, i don't want to see you like this. some back to me, hee-chan. please. even if you hate me and never want to be w/ me again, you have to come back. i don't matte as long as you can be safe. please, hee-chan. i'm sorry!!"
"duo...."
duo jerked his head up at the barely audible sound of his name.
heero's eyes were alive again and brimming w/ tears. "you came back." his voice was harsh and cracked w/ disuse.
"heero...." the braided boy trailed one finger down a thin cheek. heero buried himself in his tight embrace, snuggling as close as possible. duo, in return, held him all the more closely.
"i'm sorry, heero. i never stopped loving you, but i got scared. i didn't deserve you. i didn't want to cause you any pain and figured the sooner and more quickly i left, the less you would have to hurt."
"i have never...." heero stopped to cough hoarsely. "....been as happy as when you are w/ me. and i have never felt as much pain as when i found out you didn't want me."
"no, hee-chan, no! i do want you! i do!" duo hid his face in the other boy's dark lochs, soaking them w/ tears. "tell me what you want and i'll do it! anything! please! i don't want any of this to ever happen to you ag ain! i want my old heero back! i want the stubborn bastard who's not afraid to tell me off. i want the sweet little boy who's always dreaming. i want the sarcastic tease that always repays my pranks. i want the hidden lover that stole my heart. i don't want an empty shell trying to die. i want heero."
the japanese boy didn't speak for several minutes, but duo could feel the thin figure trembling slightly in his arms. when he did finally answer, the whisper was so soft duo almost missed it.
"and all i want is my duo back."
another year later:
heero slowly found himself waking to the wonderful feeling of kisses being trailed up his chest and over his collar bone and a pair of sweet lips coming to rest on his own. reaching up to meet them, he smiled and opened his eyes. duo was leaning over him, grinning widely.
"morning, lover. got a surprise for you."
"hn. what's that?" the japanese boy blinked sleepily and sat up.
"here," duo answered, thrusting a box at him.
inside the package was a second glass rose almost identical to the one he'd given him just over a year ago. this one, though, had obviously been broken and then mended; the welded seams showing clearly.
heero raised an eyebrow at duo curiously.
the american merely smiled and placed it in the vase along w/ their first rose, which his name had been carved back into. then he leaned down and kissed heero sweetly. "one for the promise and one for the broken healing to make the promise last."
the japanese boy nodded in understanding before pulling the american back down to the bed and cuddling up against him.
their wounds had healed, but the scars would remain, a reminder that bound them and their love tighter together.
~owari~
yeah! all done! how'd i do? could you find wufei and sally? and did anyone else feel like beating that stupid doctor? sorry, but i couldn't help it. making him a bastard was kinda fun. i also liked making quatre, trowa and wufei so protective of hee-chn when he was hurt. oh well. that's me.