Reevaluating Your Stalkers

‘Why? Why me?’ Heero Yuy thought as he ran as fast as his legs could carry him. “HEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOO!” the shrill voice of Relena Darlian seemed to follow him everywhere! ‘I really should kill her.’ Heero turned a corner and ducked into an alley and scaled the fire escape. Relena ran past the alleyway leaving a cloud of dust and fallen people in her wake. The high-pitched sound of the approaching ambulance was drowned out by Relena’s screeching. “HEEEEEERRRRRRROOOO! WHERE ARE YOOOOOUUUU? COME AND KILL ME NOW!” ‘and I am really tempted to give in to my desire to do just that.’ Heero huffed and jumped on to the rooftop of another building.

Below on the street: Yamato Ishida, dressed in a trench-coat-to-hide-the-person-wearing-it-from-Jun-beasts™  with the collar turned up, quickly crossed the street. Was he being followed? Maybe. “YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAMMMMMAAAATTTTO!!! I thought you said I could come with you to band practice!” Jun yelled. Then in her normal voice: “he’s probably there already, so all I have to do is go to the school auditorium to see him.” And with that, Jun took off with a cloud of dust, also leaving behind injured, bleeding, and tone deaf people in her wake. ‘Oh, the humanity!’ Yamato covered his eyes with his hands as he walked into the same building Heero was standing on top of.

Above, Heero observes the destruction and mayhem caused by Jun, shudders, and turns to walk downstairs and try to make it to his Gundam and fly away. Unfortunately, Yamato was trying to get to the top of the building to escape Jun and halfway up, the two boys bumped into each other.

Heero: …

Yamato: Ano… you’re that guy the Queen of the World has out for a reward, right?

Heero: Omae o korosu. (pulls gun)

Yamato: Whaaaaa! I didn’t mean it like I was gonna turn you in. You’re gay, aren’t you?

Heero: …

Yamato: …

Heero: (smirks) You being stalked too?

Yamato: (nods) …

After slipping to the next building (which was a mall), the two settle down and take a breather at the local McDonalds™. Yamato had a milkshake™. Heero had water-that-quenches-you’re-thirst-after-you’ve-been-chased-by-your-annoying-damned-stalker™. “Why couldn’t you order something that had value? I just need five more points till my next food award! (1)” Yamato started as Heero sipped his water. “Are you even human?” <sip> “What’s your name?” <sip> “Are you even human?” <slurp> “…” the blonde shrugged. “I don’t see why the Queen of the World would bother chasing someone who’s so boring. I mean, you’re cute, but…” he stopped when Heero glared at him. “That was a compliment.” “Hn.” “Is that all you can say?” “Aa…” “…” “…” “So, who’s your boyfriend if you’re trying to run  from Relena?” “…” “Ah, still single.” <glare> “Not that your not capable of having a boyfriend… I have a feeling that you’re not mad just because of my delightful company.” “I only came in here because of the air conditioning.” “Oh, now he speaks.” “You’re stalker… likes pink too?” “God, its like she doesn’t get enough of it.” “Duck.” “Duck? Where? Oh.” Yamato ducked just in time as Jun AND Relena walked past the McDonalds. “I know another girl who likes pink, but she’s nice, not like <shudder> Jun.” “Aa…” “You aren’t the social type, are you?” “Hn.” “Thought so.” “Why does she chase you?” “Band… hair, I guess. But I have a boyfriend already.” “Aa.” “What about you?” Heero shrugged. “Threatened to kill her, she must be suicidal or somethin’. Even followed me to the ends of the earth.” “Damn. Well, she followed me to camp. Hitchhiked with this elderly couple. Scared the Hell out of me and my friends.” Yamato rubbed his temples. “… both of our stalkers use old people to get around.” “Scary, the similarities. You wouldn’t happen to be fighting a war, now would you?” “Aa.” “I take it that you’re one of the GW pilots.” Aa. And you’re one of those chosen children… Shit! They’re coming back. Into the next store.”

“I know you’re here HEEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOO!” Relena screeched. The glass of the shop windows shattered. Jun ran all over, so fast that the friction of her shoes on the floor created smoke that triggered the fire alarm sprinklers. Water rained down on the people, drenching them. “YAMATO!”

“They’re a disaster area.” Yamato covered his eyes (again). “Why? Oh, WHY ME?” “Shut up.” Heero clamped his hand over Yama’s mouth. “OH HEEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOOO!” Relena screamed, shattering more glass, and people’s eardrums. The medics were called in, and had to call for back up since their people were severely injured when they arrived on the scene by Jun’s relentless searching for Yamato. Relena kept screeching and Jun kept nitpicking, until finally, the SWAT team was called in to make sure the building didn’t collapse.

“Now look what she did.” “Hn. The evil type.” Heero pulled Yamato through the fire escape. Once outside, the two ran like Shinigami was after them (although Heero really wanted to get caught). Stopping at the public bathroom, they ducked inside and switched clothes. Then, with the wigs Heero swiped from the thrift shop, they headed out and walked to the school where Yamato’s band was going to perform. With Relena and Jun hot on their tail, they managed to lose them a block before the school. When the two stalker victims arrived, they were met by a very pissed duo. Duo Maxwell and Taichi Yagami stood outside with their arms crossed. “You’re late.” They said flatly. “Sorry, but we had… stalker trouble.” “I know.” Taichi glared at the two. “It’s all over the news. Why can’t you two just tell them to back off?!” Yamato stared. “You guys know each other?” “I met him today, this is Duo Maxwell, the guy standing next to you’s boyfriend.” “You said what?” Heero glared at Duo. “Duo, omae o korosu!” “Ne, Hee-chan, save it for later. You two have got to do something about Relena and Jun before someone else gets hurt.” “I can’t do anything now, I have a concert in ten minutes, and I still haven’t warmed up yet.” Yamato protested. “Oh, we have a way.” Duo and Taichi grinned, grabbed their boyfriends, and pulled them into the auditorium.

“Thanks for coming with me to the concert Relena-sama. It was fun riding in your pink limo. I have to ask Daddy for one someday.” Jun sighed as she walked up the steps of the auditorium. “For a fellow stalk..er… friend, I’ll do anything. Now let’s go find those boys and take em’ home!” Relena declared as she stepped out of a limo, and was hit by the crap from a bird flying overhead.

After a LONG session in the bathroom (gee, I used two bathrooms™ in this fic’ already? More anyone? Gotta potty! Wahahahahahahahahaha!) the two stalkers shoved and butt-smacked their way to the front row. The lights dimmed and mist blew across the stage. A spotlight shone on Taichi and Duo. “Hey all you cool cats! As a last minute change, the band has taken in a temporary member who, I might add, in addition to the band’s lead singer, Yamato, have dedicated this first song to two very ‘special’ ladies here tonight! So give it up for Heero Yuy and Yamato Ishida!” the two exited to the wings and began snickering. “HEEEEEEERRRRRRROOOOOO!” Relena screeched. “SSSSHHHHH!” everyone else glared at her. The song starts, and Heero and Yamato rise out of the floor. Heero looks really pissed, but determined. Relena and Jun rushed and jumped the stage. As they approached their vict…er objects of obsession…

Yamato: Ooh, hey yeah!

Relena approaches Heero who holds up one hand.

Heero: Hush, just stop. There’s nothing you can do or say, baby.

Jun advances but Yamato shoves her away.

Yamato: I’ve had enough, I’m not you’re property as from today, baby.

The two girls look confused.

Yamato: You might think that I won’t make it on my own.

Heero: But now I’m…

Yamato & Heero: Stronger than yesterday. Now it’s nothing but MY way!

The two walk past Relena and Jun to the audience.

Heero: My loneliness ain’t killing me no more.

Duo: (grins)

Yamato: I’m stronger…

Heero: Than I ever thought that I could be, baby… I used to go with the flow.

Yamato: Didn’t really care ‘bout me.

Relena tries to grab Heero but he jumps into the crowd.

Heero: (stands among the screaming fans) You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong. Cause’ now I’m…

Relena screeches again, but now Heero doesn’t even flinch.

Yamato: Stronger than yesterday, now its nothing but my way.

The blonde pushes Jun away from him.

Heero: My loneliness ain’t killing me no more…

Yamato & Heero: I’m Stronger!

Yamato: Come on now! (gestures for Taichi and Duo to come on stage) oh, yeah!

Taichi grabs Yamato and the two start dancing with very suggestive thrusts of their hips. Duo dives off the stage and starts shaking his booty with Heero, who really enjoys that show.

Back up singers: Mimi, Dorothy, and Miyako: Here I go on my own.

The roof opens to the sky.

M,D, and Miya: I don’t need nobody, better off alone. Here I go on my own now. I don’t need nobody not anybody… Here I go… (echo) alright… here I go…(echo)

The Wing Zero Gundam drops in through the open roof. The cable drops and Heero grabs it and picks up Duo.

Heero: Stronger than yesterday!

Yamato: It’s nothing but my way! (grins at Taichi) My loneliness ain’t killing me no more… I’m stronger than yesterday.

Relena gasps as Heero’s hand squeezes Duo’s butt as they squish into Wing Zero’s cockpit.

Heero: Now it’s nothing but my way.

Yamato: My loneliness ain’t killing me no more.

Yamato & Heero: Now I’m stronger that yesterday, now it’s nothing but MY way. My loneliness ain’t’ killing me no more.

Yamato: I

Heero: Am

Yamato & Heero: STRONGER!

The building shakes from the force of the end of the song and the Gundam’s engines as Heero takes off and becomes a glittering star in the distance.

Yamato: Heero Yuy everybody! (bows and kisses Taichi on the lips)

Crowd: (cheers)

Taichi: I didn’t think you guys could pull it off.

Yamato: Yeah, well, I didn’t think Heero was going to do it.

Relena and Jun were so traumatized from the performance, that they were carted off to the hospital were about anther hundred pissed off patients were in critical condition as a result of their stalking.

Jun: I’m sorry Mr. Jones, I’ll watch out where I’m going next time.

-Heero and Duo-

Duo: I didn’t know you could do Britney Spears.

Heero: You saw nothing.

Duo: Ooo… what does THIS button do? (2)

Heero: Let me show you. (grins and starts pulling off his clothes, and just how does he do it in a cramped space?)

-Yamato and Taichi-

Yamato: Why? Why Britney Spears?

Taichi: Well… we were gonna have you two dress in drag and do it but since you were late…

Yamato: So that’s what turns you on?

Taichi: …

Yamato: You’re starting to act like Heero.

Taichi: (pulls Yamato into the bathroom (is it just me, or do I LOVE using bathrooms ™ or what? Please forgive my sick, SICK humor. ^-^;)  Let’s see if Heero’s shut-your-lover-up-technique™ really works…

Taichi: (thumbs up and winks)

Dorothy: They didn’t pay us. (pouts and blows her bangs & eyebrows)

Mimi: Oh, they will. Let’s get over to security. They have this place wired.

Wufei: (just pops in for the fun of it) HAVE YOU NO SCRUPLES, WOMAN?! (brandishes sword)