Reevaluating Your Idols

Oh, the sun was shining… the birds were dropping dead out of the sky on Alex and Mueller’s side of the base. Lady Une sat at her desk filing her nails. The roaring sound outside told her that Zechs Merquise’s plane had landed.

On the plane, Zechs flipped his hair and straightened his cloak. It had been a while since he and Treize had sat down to have a good, long talk. Today would be nice, a slight breeze blew his hair as he stepped off the jet and into the main building.

Une looked up as Zechs came in. “I’m here to see Treize.” The lightning count said bluntly, not wishing to talk to the stern woman. “I’m sorry Zechs, but lately his Excellency has been rather… touchy about being disturbed at this time of day.” Une glared from behind her glasses. “I’ll just be a minute.” “No.” “With all due respect, what is he doing in there?” “What his Excellency does in his spare time is none of your business.” “Meaning you don’t know either.” Zechs smirked. “Why you… I ought to have…” Une stopped when she heard a loud thump coming from behind the door leading to Treize’s office. “Treize-sama? Is everything alright in there?!” “I’m… fine Lady Une… please don’t disturb me any further.” Came the muffled reply. Une raised an eyebrow. Zechs nodded and the two walked down the hall. “OK, how do we find out what he’s doing in there. It sounded like he was jacking…” Zechs started but stopped when Une narrowed her eyes. “There’s a new invention down in the lab, a dimensional tunnel I believe. We can use it to just take a glimpse inside that room.” Une said pulling out her all-access pass™. Zechs, unable to think of anything else to do, followed Une down into the lab.

In the lab (scary music, dun dun dun dun) Une pulled out a star shaped ring about three meters wide. “This is the Ultra-Dimensional Tunnel™. Now all I have to do is set the coordinates of his Excellency’s office and…” Une pressed a button on the ring, which disappeared. “And…?” Zechs smiled. “You are busted.” “OH!”

Inside Treize’s office, the OZ general had kicked back in his chair. The 27 inch screen TV™ was on to Pocket Monsters™ AKA Poke’mon™. “Ah, note to self, next time watch where I throw the monster ball next time.” Treize rubbed his bump on his forehead and turned his attention back to the screen. A star shaped hole appeared suddenly out of nowhere in the middle of the TV screen, blocking Treize’s view. He got up to see what it was and was knocked down when Kenji and Professor Okido fell out through the hole. Poor Kenji kept right on going and fell out the window.

Meanwhile, Une and Zechs were puzzled as to where the tunnel went. (they’re on the ground floor) Une heard a scream and saw Kenji fall past he lab window and into the pond outside. “His Excellency is in trouble! I will arrest that intruder!” she crowed and dashed outside.

On the other side of the base, Noin put some flowers in a vase. “Zechs, it’s been four weeks, two days, and twenty seven minutes.” Noin sighed. “I’m so lucky he found time to have dinner with me tonight.” She muttered as she vacuumed her small room. Unbeknownst to Noin, Alex and Mueller are watching her through binoculars. When Noin threw an broken plate into the trash can outside, they instantly ran and grabbed it, and hid again. When the purple-haired lieutenant returned to throw out a bag of carrot peelings and saw the can empty she frowned, commented on how quick the trash-pickup service™ was as opposed to all the other bases she stayed at. Alex and Mueller took the plate to their room and set it before their shrine to Noin. The ceiling was black from the constant burning incense, and the numerous photos and trash articles surrounded a statue of Noin. The two men rubbed their faces with ceremonial-war/worship-paint-you-can-only-get-if-you-bribe-the-author-of-this-fic™. “oh, great goddess Noin! Please, guide us to victory with your inspirational beauty and grace!” they bowed before the ‘altar’.

Back to poor Kenji, after a bush broke his fall, he was immediately arrested by Lady Une and taken into her custody. “You don’t understand! Okido-sama…” Kenji stammered. “HUSH!” Lady Une cried. “My Treize-sama…” Suddenly, the glasses fall off and a quick clothes change™. “Will speak about peace… in fact, why should you be behind bars without good reason?” A few minutes later, Kenji was released and was sitting in Une’s office.

“My Treize-sama…” Une began to sparkle.

“Dr. Okido…” Kenji began making BIG sparkles.

Treize and Dr. Okido:

Treize: You’re…

Okido: Um…

Treize: How is Satoshi doing?

Okido: Very well… who are you?

Une and Kenji:

Une: (sparkle sparkle sparkle sparkle)

Kenji: (sparkle sparkle sparkle sparkle)

Treize and Dr. Okido:

Treize: And I love Hassamu. It’s such noble poke’mon.

Okido: Mmm… this tea is delicious.

Treize: Do you think that… huh? (sees huge sparkles coming from outside)

Okido: Huh?

Both men run outside to see Une and Kenji on the front lawn, sparkling like there was no tomorrow, which probably would have happened if…

“IT’S A GUNDAM!” soldiers began running all over the place as the Gundams landed at the base and began blowing it up. By that time, the sparkles had subsided because Une and Kenji had switched to ‘I’ll kill mode™’ to go save their ‘samas’. Of course, the shockwave of Wing Zero’s buster rifle send Kenji and Dr. Okido back to Kanto and Treize was dragged off by Lady Une to safety.

Treize: WWWWWUUUUUUUUUU! Come BAAAAAAACCCCKKKK!!!

Une: Honestly Treize-sama, that boy is bad for your health. Now me, that’s a different story.

Noin had evacuated with Zechs, who nearly swooned when he saw Heero coming to kill him. Now why does that sound familiar? It must be genetic. Alex and Mueller were instantly killed just when they were about to sacrifice one another on the altar of Noin™. Of course, no one noticed that they died, and Wufei destroyed the shrine anyway. “That woman shall not have NO shrines! All hail Nataku!”

(Duo: I swear, when he says he worships it, he’s jerking off.)

But in the end, everyone lived happily ever after. Une was stuck as Treize’s personal secretary, and never went near a battlefield again, nor questioned the loud noises that came from the bedroom in the wee hours of the morning™. Zechs and Noin just decided to be friends, but got married when Treize was killed later, much to Une’s horror. Alex and Mueller got killed, died again, and finally stayed dead, and Noin was very happy with that arrangement. So much, that she did the happy little hamster dance™ and took Relena to a bar, which pissed Zechs off that he divorced her and ran off with Heero, which pissed Relena and Duo off, so now Zechs is constantly on the run. Wufei finally found justice with Trowa and Quatre, and is now the top chef on the AC 195 Food Network™. Kenji found out that he only sparked for Satoshi, ran off with him, followed by a very pissed Kasumi and Takeshi, and later by Shigeru, whom by this time, had forgiven Satoshi, only to find him getting it on with Kenji. That set off a huge rivalry, Kenji vs. Shigeru, but that’s another story. But now, Dr. Okido no longer has a sla…er… assistant helping in his lab, and therefore ahs to mop all the floors himself. (he made Kenji do it in the movie, that slave driver. ‘He made me do the dishes, he made me do the floors, he made me do his underwear so I kicked him out the door.  I kicked him over London, I kicked him over France, I kicked him over the USA and I made him do the hamster dance™!) So that’s the end… until the next eval… which is…