Once Upon a Time…
The End!

A roaring fire illuminates a cozy study. Bookshelves lined with classic stories hug every available space on the wall along with hundreds of Gundam models from every series accompanied by a few Evas and a large, stuffed teddy bear. A winged armchair sits facing away from the fireplace… (camera pans towards the person sitting in the chair as the words 'Master-bot Theatre" roll across the screen)

"Ah, welcome back gentle reader…" JC Maxwell-Yuy breathed. "Now… where were we exactly?"

Suddenly, a crash of thunder shakes the room as JC flips through the script outline of 'True Sleepless Beauty'.

"Oh yes… the young Satoshi has gone off to rescue Shigeru-punzel from the Wicked Witch of the Hazelnut Trees… however!" JC paused and blew several shiny soap bubbles out of a fake pipe. "Smoking is bad for everyone and needless to say, Satoshi just happened to find the beautiful Wu-White sleeping in the forest surrounded by his 7 digimon friends."

The fire continued to roar as snow began falling.

"So you can only guess what happened then. Sleeping Wu-White, hair black as the raven, skin white as snow, lips that utter curses whenever there is a violation of justice, is awoken by a kiss, and then they ride off into the sunset…blah, blah, blah." JC muttered and tossed the script into the fireplace. "Thanks to that, I now had to do some serious rewriting since the would-be hero of the story just rode away with the sexiest Chinese boy in the land. So! Our story begins here… a long time ago…"

"Oh~ my boyfriend's sexy and my father's a poor woooooodddddccccuuuttterrrr!!!" sang a young girl named Fine as she strolled through the streets of some nameless remote French village.

(JC: Why doesn't this village have a name?)

(Kenji: You never told me what to write on the village sign!)

(JC: Well, I assumed you would have the decency to think up a name FOR A SMALL FRENCH VILLAGE IN THE COUNTRYSIDE!)

(Kenji: EEP!)

(JC: Nevermind. *rubs forehead*)

As Fine walked on to get back to her house, she passed a small townhouse. Within it lived her best male friend (next to her boyfriend, of course), Rei Kon, and his two bratty stepsiblings, Mao and Michael. Rei's stepmother, Dorma, was a mean, vicious woman from Houston, Texas, who took pleasure in mistreating Rei, egging other people's houses, and spoiling her other two children rotten.

Meanwhile, Rei was in his tiny attic room, musing about the royal ball held in honor of Prince Kai that evening. How he wanted to go, just to dance and get his groove on, but his stepmother wouldn't approve and had gone out with Michael and Mao to buy more jewelry for they were going.

"I wish I could go to the ball… but I haven't anything to wear… not much less a ride." Rei sighed but at that moment, the air sparkled and a strangely beautiful man dressed in robes of blue silk appeared, waving a magic wand.

"Do not fear, simple toymaker! I, Kouji Minamoto, the Blue Wolf Fairy of the North Star, shall make your puppet into a real boy and… hey… you're not the toymaker." Kouji noticed.

"Yeah… I think you want the toymaker shop a block down and… the sun hasn't set… aren't you supposed to only appear when the North Star is shining in the sky?" asked the neko-jin.

"Oh drat! Forgot about the time change!" Kouji muttered and glanced at his watch. "Well, I'll see you around."

With the blue fairy gone, Rei tapped his fingers impatiently on the windowsill.

"Oh Fairy Godfather! Wherever could you be, you lazy bum?!" but nothing appeared.

Rei: JC! WHERE'S MY FAIRY!

JC: FAIRYS! BEHOLD THE POWER OF THE DANCY FAIRIES! (plays Dancing Fairy in attack position)

Jonouchi: Then I'll play the Hysterical Fairy in attack mode and destroy your Dancing Fairy!

JC: (Life Points: 0) NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Rei: EXCUSE ME, BUT WHERE'S MY FAIRY GODPARENT?!

JC: (jumps) Oh! Rei-chan! Er…

Rei: (taps foot)

JC: I forgot… hold on… its coming to me…

Jonouchi: (munches popcorn until JC notices that there's something butterly amiss)

JC: JONOUCHI! You're supposed to be Rei's fairy godparent!

Jonouchi: Oops.

Rei: Well, can I go to the ball or not?

Jonouchi: Sure. (waves wand and Rei is off to the ball)

JC: FAIRIES! (twitches)

Suddenly, Rei realizes he's not in Kansas anymore… well, he wasn't in Kansas to begin with, but he was anywhere but in his own town, let alone the ball.

"Hi! Are you lost or something?" a voice called down.

"Er…" Rei turned to see a large tower with no doors, just a window near the top… a window with a fair looking boy who had the longest hair he'd ever laid eyes on.

"You wouldn't happen to have a pair of scissors or a sharp metal object on you?" The boy called down, unconsciously fiddling with his hair.

"I have steel-toed work-boot and seventy-five cents! Does that work?" Rei called back.

"Yeah! Just… climb on up here! Hurry, before Fllay gets back!" Shigeru-punzel shouted as he let his long hair down.

"Who's Fllay?" Rei asked as he observed Shigeru-punzel's room, which was fairly decent, save for the gigantic detonator, which the other boy set under the bed.

"The wicked witch of the Hazelnut Trees. A real bitch. She needs to die so…" Shigeru-punzel used the boot to cut his hair short and tie one end to the wall. "I've left her a little present."

"Oh." Was all Rei could say as they escaped and ran towards…

"THE SPARKLING SEA ~ OH HOW WONDERFUL BREEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZEEEEEEEE ~" a random little goggle merboy named Daisuke sang before a wave crashed upon the rock he was singing on, washing him back…

"TO THE SPARKLING SEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAA ~ ARRRGGGGHH!!!"

"Did you hear something?" Rei asked.

"No, but like I was saying, I think that mustard should be outlawed in public restrooms." Shigeru said.

Too soon, Shigeru left Rei to start his own journey to become…

"Yellow! My sweet! I shall find you and become your bride!"

Anyways, Rei was now alone and afraid as he trudged through the dark, deep forest.

"Bokutachi wa…" a soft voice sang out through the deep recesses of the forest shadows. A flute's soothing melody accompanied the voice. When Rei neared the source of the singing, he found a boy with dog ears and long white hair along with a monk, a girl wearing a modern day school uniform, another girl with a large killing boomerang, and a small fox boy. It was the girl with the large killing thing that was singing.

"Oh look. What a cute demon!" (Kagome) exclaimed, taking in Rei's appearance, as well as his 'fangs'.

"A what?" Rei repeated, confused.

"Hm… this one's got nice hips… perhaps you could bear me a healthy child." the monk now slid up to Rei and groped him…after which the dog boy and the fox whacked him on the head and dragged him off.

"Honestly Miroku!" Sango groaned and rubbed her forehead in annoyance.

"Uh…" Rei stammered, nervous. "Do you guys know the way back to a nameless little village near a large castle with a drop dead gorgeous prince named Kai in it?"

"Oh no, sorry." Kagome apologized. "We're on a quest to find a replacement for the Sacred Rock Candy Sugar Jewel… because someone shattered it and ate all the pieces."

"It was delicious!" Shippo sighed.

"But I heard that there was a within a mystical cave there's a power that can grant any wish." Toutousai suddenly popped up on his momo.

"AH! Where'd you come from and where'd my flute go?" Kagome screamed, while the old man's cow chewed on the flute.

"Uh… who are you people? Where am I?" Came the reply, which was answered by a prompt whack on the head.

So Rei left the deep forest in search of the cave. Along the way, he met a dashing knight named Van and a fox ninja puppet called Naruto and his (sexy) ninja conscience Sasuke. The three had many adventures, defeating various evil stalker dragons and rescuing fair, beautiful, damsels (and men) in distress. Finally, after rescuing the lithe singer Ishida Yamato from the jaws of the Death Jun Dragon, they arrived at the cave only to find…

"Tickets? WE HAVE TO TAKE A TICKET?" Rei was ready to draw blood when he saw the sign and the line to get into the mystical cave.

"Let's just sneak in!" Naruto said and marched forward.

"Hold it!" Sasuke held the puppet back and pointed to the sign. "Read."

"All those entering the cave must take a ticket. All those entering must be in groups of four, which will be given top priority upon entering. Please note that the genie of the lamp does not always appear to grant wishes."

"Well, this is just lovely." Van muttered and absently rubbed his washboard abs, trying to attract some random person in the line. He had come close to sleeping with Rei if not for the fact that Sasuke acted as everyone's conscience when it came to being hit on.

"I don’t get it." Naruto said.

"Well, if you'd notice that most of the people in line have a threesome…" Sasuke whacked Naruto on the head, instantly regretting it as his knuckles throbbed in pain.

"I agree. Foursomes are much more interesting." Said Van.

"Sounds interesting, but no. Never. Not in this lifetime." Sasuke grabbed Naruto and Rei and headed to the front of the line.

Soon, they were inside the cave, wandering through the vast tunnels and staring at the mountains of gold and pocky that lined the walls.

"I see him!" Naruto exclaimed several times, but that only made his nose grow inches longer. By the time they reached the room where the genie was, Naruto's nose was already two feet long and was threatening to put out the others' eyes.

"Another sign?" Rei muttered looking at the sign next to a bottle.

"Behold the genie in the bottle, baby… you MUST rub me the right way." Sasuke read.

Before anyone could stop him, Van had the bottle and proceeded to rub it gently against his bricks. Naruto watched, Sasuke covered his eyes in exasperation, and Rei's cheeks turned bright red.

With a puff of smoke and a large tomato flying at the wall, a shirtless man wearing a orange headband and a eyepatch over his right eye emerged from the bottle.

"Do you mind? I was watching my soap! The mermaid was just about to marry some poor woodcutter from Pasadena." Irvine said, sounding annoyed. "Although the way you rubbed me…"

Van grinned as the genie's eyes fell on him… and his abs.

"Well now…" Irvine floated around, the soap opera forgotten. "I suppose you want your three wishes and then you're all off, leaving me all alone."

"Not exactly… er…" Van said, obviously admiring the genie's body.

"Oh great." Sasuke muttered as Van rubbed his stomach for what seemed like the thousandth time.

"Can I go first? I just want to go to the ball!" Rei cried.

"Hm… a ball… well, whatever." Irvine clapped his hands and in a loud 'bang', Rei was gone.

"I want to be a real boy." Naruto wished.

"Er… sorry. Did that one way too many times." Irvine replied flatly, then winced at the memories. "Besides, doesn't your contract go with the Blue Fairy?"

"Drat!" Naruto swore.

"I wish that you'd become human and spend the rest of your life having an XXX relationship with me!" Van said as Sasuke dragged the now dumfounded puppet away.

"Granted!"

(JC: Notice how Sasuke keeps Pinocchio on such a short leash?)

(Kyou: Well, I'd do that too, if I was the freaking conscience.)

(JC: Read the book too?)

(Kyou: I don't want to talk about it.)

(JC: What was your job again in this?)

(Kyou: I'm the maid. You called because someone dropped all those little peanut shell crumbs all over the chair.)

(JC: Oh… well, yes. Burn the chair. I'm getting sick of that ugly piece of junk called a chair anyway.)

(Kyou: I live for that.)

(JC: When I say burn, I don't mean use it as a scratching post… but you may as well. Then get me a new one.)

(Kyou: Whatever you say… is this chair stuffed with catnip?)

(JC: Start scratching. Now.)

As for Rei… he'd wound up on the deck of a pirate ship! Unfortunately, the ship belonged to Captain Sora Takenouchi-Hook.

"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!" The captain screeched. "Finally, I have captured the lost Jelly Brigade! Now all that remains is to capture that sexy man with the sexy butt in tights, TROWA PAN!"

"What a loon." Rei muttered as he observed the nutty captain dance around a group of kids tied up to the mast pole.

"And you!" Sora turned and pointed a tennis racket at Rei. "You shall be Wendy since nobody was cast to be her!"

(JC: I knew I forgot something.)

(Jonouchi: FAIRIES! (twitches)

"Oh no!" Rei shouted for help… which came in the form of a uni-banged man in green tights that matched his eyes. Trowa Pan flew down and scooped up Rei and sliced the ropes holding the Jelly Brigade.

"Hey! You're not Wendy!" Trowa said.

"THAT'S WHAT WE WANTED YOU TO THINK! We're only using him because he puts up a good-looking front." Sora replied smugly.

"Uh… can I say something here?" Rei/Wendy muttered.

"Sure. After we leave!" The Jelly Brigade said as everyone turned to fly away.

"And your not going anywhere!" Sora shouted, holding up a glass jar. "Unless, you want to leave Tinker-Touma Bell behind?"

Touma's face was screwed up in a look of pain and desperation as he pounded on the glass, trying to get out.

"Ah… that meddling fairy… who needs him! I've got Wendy… er… what was your name again?" Pan asked a now frustrated Rei.

"It's Rei… and I want to go home now." Rei replied flatly.

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" Sora shouted angrily as the Jelly Brigade flew off to Wonderland.

"Why are we stopping?" Trowa Pan asked as the Jelly Brigade suddenly began descending.

"I have to go to the bathroom." Jelly Brigade member Takato moaned.

"And I just… want to make sure he doesn't drown!" Jelly Brigade treasurer Lee cut in.

"OK. Let's stop here!" Trowa pulled to a halt at the gas station floating among the clouds. Lee and Takato disappeared into the bathroom, and then returned screaming 'WE CAN'T POTTY IN THERE'. In the meantime, Rei slipped away and caught a taxi down to Earth.

JC: Now why would he do that?

Jonouchi: I think it's because I've been a bad fairy godfather.

JC: I wonder what gave you THAT idea. (snorts)

Jonouchi: I'd better fix this AND pay the cab fare.

Seconds later, Rei found himself outside the royal palace, just as the ball was about to begin. Adorning the pair of ruby slippers that were just lying on the pavement, he hurried up the steps to find the ball in full swing. To his surprise, everyone he'd met on his journey was there, getting their groove on to sultry vocals of Ishida Yamato and the Teenage Wolves.

Everyone was there. Kagome came to the ball with Inu Yasha but as soon as she saw how SEXY Prince Kai was, she dumped the dog demon ("SIT BOY!") in the royal punch and went off to dance with the SEXY prince. Wu-White, looking gorgeous in a low-cut evening gown… if you could call it (G-String and a beach wrap, anyone?) a gown… ("KISAMA! WHY IN THE WORLD AM I WEARING THIS?!) danced the night away miserably while stepping on other people's feet.

Little Pink Riding Hood Shuichi came, with Grandma Yuki… and Tinker-Touma Bell tried to break the pair up, but missed charging with a rhino and wound up stuck to the bottom of Prince Ken's shoe.

Speaking of the lovely Prince Ken, with the spell lifted, he was no longer confined to sneaking midnight snacks and going to the bathroom. ("My feet… are killing me…") That particular problem was solved when Kenji dragged the begoggled prince into the castle water closet.

Van and Irvine were doing the bump and grind… unfortunately, it got so XXX-rated that they had to get a room.

It was at that moment that Kagome decided that phoenix princes weren't as awesome as dog demons and left Prince Kai and dragged a punch-soaked, very soggy and pissed but reluctant, Inu Yasha onto the dance floor just as Yamato pulled Little Pink Riding Hood up onto the stage to sing a duet.

Pinocchio became a real boy after eating carrots. Unfortunately, it gave him a rash and he found out from Sasuke that it would have worked if he'd eaten ramen.

"And so Rei got his groove on and danced away into the night… until the clock struck midnight… then, everyone had to go home because it was past Prince Kai's bedtime. The end." JC closed the script booklet and leaned back into the new chair that just arrived.

"A lukewarm ending I know… but what really matters is that the moral of this story is…" JC paused… glanced at the last page of the script once again before ripping out the last page and tossing it into the fireplace.

"Now why'd you go and do that?" Kouji asked. "And can I take off this blue fairy outfit?"

"Just… a… ah!" JC finished writing a new last page and taped it to the end of the script.

"You know… you could just leave it on. You look rather nice. Now hold still while I take off this part of the dress." Kouichi said, his hand dropping low.

"Kouichi!" Kouji's face turned bright red.

"Now where was I?" JC said, looking distracted. "Ah yes… the moral of this story is… 'Always have a mallet handy. There's no telling what's hiding in the bushes.'"

"There!" Kouichi exclaimed, satisfied at his work. Kouji was now completely out of his costume and… completely naked.

"KIRA! GET IN HERE!" Kouji screamed, trying to ignore the odd looks JC and Kouichi are giving him.

"Oh! OH!" Yamato Kira stepped into the room, took one glance at the naked Kouji and ran in, threw a towel around Kouji's waist, and rushed him out of the room.

"Spoilsport." JC and Kouichi called after them.

"What is that?" Kouichi asked fearfully as the bushes outside the room window began rustling.

JC silently opened the window and aimed a the metal head of the nearest mallet into the bushes.

"OW!" came the strangled cry from the mess of smashed branches and leaves. Upon further inspection, it was just a now unconscious Jun.

"You see? And people don't take morals seriously." JC said in a I-am-so-good voice and shut the window and called security guards K and Rob Herman to release the vicious dancing lobsters in order to make sure there were no more stalkers on the grounds.