Duo and the Beast

‘I like strong men. Fighters are sexy.’ Duo propped his feet on a bucket while he flipped through his book. “WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” He laughed and laughed when he read the frame after that. “I don’t like old men. WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

<DING>>> DING>>>> DiNg>>> BADOMMMNNGGG>>> DUUURRRGGGMMM>>> SSSSSIIINNNNGGG>>> went the doorbell-that-sounds-really-stupid™.

“Hai! Just a minute!” Duo said and bookmarked the page with one of Treize’s eyebrow combs.

“DUO! I’M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU!” Hilde squealed and glomped the boy when he opened the door.

“Hilde… can’t… breathe…” the boy gasped as Hilde forced his face into her… chest area™.

“Oh Duo, Duo, Duo. We are to be wed.” the deluded girl gushed happily.

“We… Wed…? When?” Duo asked nervously.

“Right now!” Hilde gestured grandly at the door. “We are getting married now!”

“Uh… Hilde, I don’t know. This is all too sudden and…” Duo stammered and backed away.

“Don’t you play like that Duo. We are getting married no…..OOOOWWWWWW!!!” Hilde started towards Duo, but slipped on a bar of soap so conveniently placed on the floor in front of her, sending her sailing out the door and over a beautiful rainbow.

“Hit it!” Dorothy waved her baton and… all the musicians promptly began hitting her with the blunt ends of their instruments.

Duo, watching the entire escapade of Hilde flying and Dorothy being assaulted by now-turned-rabid-musicians™, he decided it was time to close and lock the door. And then bar it with the piano, bookcase, stove, desk, and the giant mushroom that just appeared out of nowhere for no good reason.

“YOU IDIOT! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING!” Hilde joined the beating of Dorothy with a rather large sunflower that just happened to grow out of the earth where she landed.

Meanwhile…

“My head… did anyone get the name of the pilot who knocked me out?” Treize muttered as he came to. (STOP THAT, you SICK HENTAIS! It’s NOT THAT!)

The ginger-haired man stood up, and surveyed his surroundings. Big room… Dark… Scary trophies on the wall… A yeti-like creature also known as Prince Heero, but turned into a beast… Nice shag carpeting… and… A yeti-like creature also known as Prince Heero, but turned into a beast?!

“AAAAHHH!!!” Treize screamed and backed away from the hideous monster in black spandex shorts.

“You’re awake…” the beast said in an unusually calm voice. “Now throw him in the dungeon.”

“What? Hey!” Treize yelled as he was picked up by an unseen force and hurled down several flights of stairs. A door opened, and clicked shut… “LEMME OUT! I DEMAND JUSTICE!”

“I like this one.” The clock, Wufei mused. “But we can use him to… ah… bring another visitor to the castle.”

“Why would we want to do that?” Quatre asked. “Can’t you see how miserable HE is?”

“Shut up! I wanna be human so I can ravage this one!” Wufei smirked. “And besides, I don’t think you enjoy the fact that you can’t mess with Trowa since he’s now a footstool!”

“But how can we be sure that someone the master will like will come to the castle?” Quatre asked.

“Oh… this.” Wufei pulled out a wallet, which had pictures of a very beautiful braided… “I can’t tell if this is a boy or girl?” the clock muttered and turned the picture this way and that.

“Oh GIVE ME THAT!” Une grumbled and splashed Wufei with boiling hot tea. “You aren’t gonna get this one! I already sent a ransom letter and set the MS outside on auto-pilot to return to its base. And another thing…”

“What is it, you blasted onna-teapot?!” the clock raged, his pendulum dangerously ticking.

“You Buick is now a compact.” Une said simply and clopped off.

“KISAMA!”

Back to Duo…

“That girl never gives up.” Duo threw himself back into an easy chair. “I should get a restraining order™ or something that can get her away from me… eh… what’s that?”

The faint humming noise that had been going on for several minutes now grew louder and… another hole appeared in the roof.

“Tallgeese?” Duo cried as the MS landed in the living room, getting the wool carpet dirty… again…

The MS’s hatch opened, and a note scribbled in purple pen fell out.

“All your Treize belong to us. You are on the path to destruction. If you want to save him, bring a Culumon plushie or yourself to the said coordinates. Hahahahahahaha…” Duo read and sweatdropped. “There’s no way those idiots are getting my Culumon plushie.”

So in the end…

“Why is it always me that winds up sacrificing my life?” Duo whined as Tallgeese headed straight for the castle.