Warnings/Notes/Disclaimer: shonen ai, kissing, various implied things, cross dressing, humorous, parody thing. OOC characters…well, I think Zechs is OOC…Reference to my other fic “Oranges…” but you don’t need to have read it to understand and this is definitely NOT a sequel. Finally, [as you know] Gundam Wing belongs to someone who is not me. Tell me if you like this ^_~
You enter nervously, and so you should for this is your first exposure to ficworld. The large waiting room is full to overflowing with impatient fic writers waiting for their appointments. Some writers mutter plot lines under their breath; others try out dialogue on each other. Over the voices you hear the scratch of pen/pencil on paper and the clacking of fingers on keyboards. Over that, you hear faint screams and evil laughter drifting to your ears from the millions of meeting rooms that make up ficworld. This, my friend, is an eye opening experience. After a long moment of searching, you finally find who you’re looking for. Still nervous, you step into the waiting room, starting slightly when the door bangs shut behind you. You walk in and sit next to your writer.
Hello. Don’t get comfy, my appointment’s up next…
SETTING: A smallish, dirty cream coloured room. The floor is carpeted in a variety of different colours of carpet tile. Some of them have ominous stains on them. At one end of the room is a table that looks like it was stolen from a school cafeteria. At this table sit two people. One is shuffling scratty bits of paper around, muttering under her breath. The other looks nervously between the fic writer and the door on the other side of the room.
The door opens.
DUO: -so I said to her: look, I may be wearing a dress but long hair + skirt does NOT equal GIRL and I’m fed up of these kinds of fics- ::catches the minute change in expression from his partner and looks into the room:: crap…
HEERO: It’s you…
FIC WRITER [FW]: ::grins::
DUO: ::sighs resignedly and enters the room::
HEERO: ::closes the door behind them::
DUO: It’s not just us this time, is it? ‘Cos Heero had nightmares after that last fic…
HEERO: ::icy glare::
FW: Really?
DUO: Yeah. Kept dreaming he was a satsuma and I was gonna eat him
HEERO: I did not!
DUO: O really! Well why did you wake up in a cold sweat muttering “no, Duo, not the pith!”
FW: ::giggles::
HEERO: ::glares at grinning Duo and crosses his arms::
FW: ::clears throat:: Well, before the others arrive I thought we might continue with that AU fic I was messing with…I have a scene we could do…::shuffles papers::
DUO: Do we have to?
FW: ::glares at him over her glasses::
DUO: Geez! Fine, whatever you want…
HEERO: It’s pointless to argue
DUO: ::elbows Heero in ribs:: You’re no help
HEERO: ::glares::
FW: ::clicks fingers::
Out of nowhere, an ancient typewriter crashes onto the table in front of her. Cracking her knuckles, FW feeds a sheet of paper into it and starts typing. Instantly, the scenery in the room changes. A window with a view of rolling green fields and cloudless blue sky appears behind Duo and Heero. The carpet under their feet becomes thick and burgundy red. A canopied bed appears by Duo, narrowly missing his feet. He leaps back with a yelp and falls into a green velvet armchair. He scrambles to his feet quickly. The room around them looks very like a Victorian bedchamber [use your imagination ^_~] Finally, their clothes change. Soon, Heero is wearing a slightly dirty tweed suit and matching cap. He chokes slightly and tries to loosen his bow tie, then notices the cap and glares in earnest at FW. Duo – although he had mentally prepared himself – gives a startled ‘erp!’ as his hair pulls itself into loose, silky ringlets and he finds himself decked out in a long bustled dress with corset and ::cough, cough:: padding…
FW: There! I think we’re ready to begin
DUO: ::breathless voice:: Heero! You have to leave! What if my father finds you here! ::starts choking:: crap, I can’t breathe in this thing! ::tugs at corset::
HEERO: Who’s your father?
FW: ::glares meaningfully at him::
HEERO: Oh, well…::jerks as FW’s powers take over:: I don’t care what happens to me as long as I’m near you!
DUO: Oh Heero! ::flutters eyelashes vigorously::
HEERO: I would rather suffer your father’s wrath than be parted from you…Duo, are you all right?
DUO: ::rubbing at eye:: Er, yeah. Think I fluttered a bit much there. One of my eyelashes has come…
FW: ::presses several keys::
DUO: Hey! Thanks! It’s gone now ::jerks slightly and his voice goes breathless:: Oh, Heero! I love you!
HEERO: Aa, well…
DUO: Hey, don’t take that the wrong way or anything-
HEERO: ::jerks and his hands move up to grasp Duo by the elbows:: I love you too
DUO: ::breathless voice:: I’ve been waiting so long for you to say that…
HEERO: I know… ::leans in closer::
DUO: ::blushes:: Erm…Are you-? Erm…what’s the rating on this fic, just so’s I know what to…expect…
HEERO: ::also blushing, but trying to hide it. Also trying to stop himself from moving closer to Duo, but failing::
FW: ::grins evilly:: Well, I’m not too sure…This fic hasn’t really been planned yet…
HEERO: ::grits teeth…his and Duo’s lips are only centimetres apart:: Can you give us some idea?
DUO: Geez, Heero. What did you have for lunch?
FW: Will you two stop it and get on with the fic!
DUO: ::jerks slightly:: ::sighs breathlessly and wraps his arms around Heero’s neck:: Oh Heero!
HEERO: Duo, my love
TREIZE: Get away from my daughter, you wretch!
Everyone pauses. A very puzzled looking Treize has just materialised on the other side of the bed wearing an interesting faintly Victorian-looking costume.
DUO: Erm…Hi
TREIZE: What am I doing here?
HEERO: You’re Duo’s father
DUO: I’m guessing, my very disapproving father
TREIZE: ::plucks at his waistcoat before looking up and noticing properly the position Duo and Heero are in – which is, it has to be said, fairly precarious:: What are you two doing?
DUO & HEERO: ::look at each other::
TREIZE: I probably don’t want to know…
FW: Can we get on with this?
TREIZE: Can I have some kind of ::waves hand about vaguely:: plot rundown?
HEERO: There isn’t one
TREIZE: One what?
DUO: A plot. There isn’t a plot
TREIZE: Oh…It’s like THAT is it?
HEERO: It seems so…
FW: Guys! I don’t want to have to tell you again…
TREIZE: ::jerks:: You scum! What gives you the right to touch my daughter! I’ve warned you before!
HEERO: ::releases Duo so abruptly that he stumbles backwards, catching his heels on his skirt and falling into that
armchair again::
DUO:: UMPF!
HEERO: I care nothing for your threats!
TREIZE: What exactly were my threats? I seem to have missed something
DUO: Same here
Suddenly, an ornate wooden door [which hadn’t previously been there] bursts open and a tall blond “woman” in a pink bustled dress enters in a way that makes it appear that “she’s” been pushed.
TREIZE: Zechs!!??
ZECHS: What the hell am I wearing! ::looks up furiously to see Treize, Heero and – finally – Duo::
DUO: ::chokes down his laughter::
ZECHS: I can’t breathe in this thing…Pink! This’s Relena’s colour!
FW: ::clears throat:: uh hum…
ZECHS: What “uh hum”? What the hell am I-! ::jerks:: ::shrill voice:: I knew it! I knew you were a little hussy! Have you no thought for what this will do to our family! To have a scandal on top of everything else…
TREIZE: ::looks shell-shocked::
DUO: Hi, mum
ZECHS: ::stunned after his outburst, goes back to examining his get-up::
DUO: I am no hussy! Heero and I are in love, nothing can stand between us!
HEERO: Mr. Khushrenada, I have sworn on my soul to care for your daughter. I intend to make an honest woman of her
TREIZE: Over my dead body!
ZECHS: I’m wearing a bun! ::everyone pauses and turns to stare at him:: Well, I am!
DUO: ::runs over to Treize:: Father!- erp! ::stumbles over his skirt and falls into Treize’s arms::
FW: ::throws up her arms in disgust:: This is not working!
HEERO: I could have told you that
DUO: ::struggles to his feet:: Why are we doing this?
ZECHS: Yes, why am I a woman?
FW: You just are
DUO: I thought the whole point was that this was yaoi fic?
FW: It is
DUO: Then, surely, I have to be a guy
HEERO: That is the definition of yaoi
FW: Everyone knows you’re a guy
DUO: But then why am I a girl?!
ZECHS: Why am I wearing this?
FW: Because I wanted to see…::pauses::
—Everyone waits—
FW: No, that’s all: I wanted to see.
ZECHS: ::growls softly and begins letting his hair out of the bun::
DUO: When are the others getting here?
FW: They’re not…Quatre and Trowa are busy with an epic 3+4, so they can’t make it and Wufei says these kinds of fics aren’t in his contract
TREIZE: He has a contract?!
FW: Apparently so
DUO: ::grinning:: You were gonna make him a girl, weren’t you?
FW: ::coughs:: Well, anyway…we have to work with what we’ve got…which is you four, Relena and Dr. J. But J can’t get here until later…and I haven’t really given him a part…::trails off into muttering::
ZECHS: ::has half his hair free, which looks rather silly:: Relena? Why couldn’t she be Mrs. Khushrenada?
TREIZE: ::wounded expression:: Why, Zechs, I’m hurt that you don’t want me…
ZECHS: I didn’t mean it like that, darl-Treize…I just don’t like this dress ::mumbles curses under his breath::
TREIZE: ::wanders over to help Zechs get his hair out of the bun::
DUO: Yeah, well…anyway…when’s Relena getting here?
FW: She should be here any time now
HEERO: And what’s her part?
FW: You don’t need to know…
DUO: ::crosses arms over his padded chest:: Nope, that’s it! I refuse to work in these conditions. Either we get a plot rundown or else I’m leaving. You guys are with me, right?
HEERO, ZECHS & TREIZE: ::nods::
FW: Fine! Zechs, Treize: you are Duo’s parents. You’re wealthy, but you’ve been having some financial trouble after one of your factories got burned down. Heero, you used to work at the factory that got burned down. That’s where you and Duo met
DUO: What was I doing at the factory?
FW: You were…er…visiting your father
DUO: ::pulls a face at the lame excuse::
FW: Anyway…you’re both desperately in love with each other, but Treize disapproves, obviously, because Heero’s poor and used to work for him. Zechs wants you to marry someone rich and powerful…
ZECHS: Who?
FW: Erm…Relena…
DUO: WHAT! But she’s a girl!
HEERO: ::rubs at the bridge of his nose::
FW: No, you’re a girl and she’s a guy
ZECHS: Have you told Relena this yet?
FW: No, of course not-
RELENA: ::enters suddenly through the ornate wooden door:: Told me what?
DUO: That your brother wants us to get married
RELENA: Pardon? ::turns to look at Zechs, who’s trying to cut through the back of his dress to the ties of his corset with a small pocket knife whilst Treize carefully frees the rest of his hair from the bun:: Mil? What are you doing…?
FW: ::fed up of wasting her valuable fic time, types Relena into costume, which is a rather spiffy looking black waistcoat/white shirt ensemble with a gold pocket watch and a monocle. Her hair gets slicked back and pinned at the back of her head so she ends up looking fairly bishonen in a kind of…well, more feminine way::
DUO: ::whistles:: Hey, Lena. You make a good looking guy
RELENA: What? Oh, thanks Duo. You’re very pretty as a girl
FW: ::rolls her eyes::
HEERO: ::goes to sit in the armchair, taking his cap off and stuffing it down between the cushions::
FW: Look! I don’t have all that much time left so can we get on with this! Zechs, if you don’t stop that I’m gonna write you as a PROPER woman
ZECHS: ::drops the pocket knife as if burned::
FW: Let’s continue from where we left off
DUO: ::runs over to Treize:: Father! I beg you, don’t hurt Heero! I love him
TREIZE: He’s a nothing! Look at him- ::all turn to stare at Heero who’s busy loosening his bow tie:: -he’s not good enough for you, my daughter
DUO: But I love him!
ZECHS: How dare you say that! You’re no daughter of mine, consorting with commoners on the night before your engagement! ::any impact this speech may have had is severely undermined by the fact that most of his hair is hanging strangely, still half caught in a bun and by the fact that the back of his dress is a mess of knife slashes::
RELENA: ::deep voice…well, deeper voice, anyway:: My lady, you have been lead astray by this peasant! For your honour, I challenge him to a duel!
HEERO: ::perks up at the prospect of violence:: A duel?
RELENA: Erm…yes…apparently…
HEERO: Ok, good then…I’m up for that
FW: ::sighs at Heero’s deviation from script::
DUO: No, my love! I can’t let you risk yourself for me! ::runs away from Treize over to Heero, who’s getting up from the armchair:: erp! ::trips over skirt and falls on Heero, knocking him back into the armchair which rocks back threatening. He slips to his knees between Heero’s legs in a flumpf of skirts and petticoats::
—Ornate wooden door opens—
QUATRE: ::cheerily:: Hello! We got done quicker than expected so we thought we’d…::trails off when he sees everyone else, especially Duo and Heero:: Oh…it’s one of them…
TROWA: I just remembered we have-
FW: No! You’re here now ::taps keys and the ornate door disappears::
QUATRE: Crap…
DUO: It’s ok, Quat. It’s really not what it seems, I’m just keep tripping on this bloody skirt ::staggers to his feet::
HEERO: I think this is your breast, Duo ::hands him a clump of padding::
DUO: Oh…yeah. Thanks ::stuffs it down the front of his dress::
QUATRE: ::sweatdrops::
FW: Anyway…the duel!
QUATRE & TROWA: ::try to see how a duel could possibly fit into the scene before them::
FW: Oh…and…::types quickly and Trowa and Quatre find themselves in servants grab, each holding a sword-like-those-ones-they-use-for-fencing::
HEERO: I accept your duel! ::takes sword from a worried looking Quatre::
RELENA: Prepare to be defeated! ::takes sword from Trowa, who may be looking worried but his hair’s in his face so, who knows::
TREIZE: I don’t think this is the best place for a duel…
ZECHS: Treize? Could you come and help me with this? ::is trying to open the back of his dress to get at the corset::
TREIZE: ::always willing to help Zechs get his clothes off:: Of course, my love
RELENA: En garde!
Heero and Relena start fighting around the room. As the duel would be no fun if Heero were to skewer her in the first second [although, all anti-Relena fans would find it very satisfying], Relena is almost as good as Heero…much to her surprise
RELENA: Oh, Heero! I’m sorry, did I cut you! ::jerks and voice deepens:: Get ready to die!
QUATRE: Eep! ::clings to Trowa and backs out of the way of the fighting couple::
Eventually, the duel winds to a close in a flurry of parries and slashes. By this time, Duo, Trowa and Quatre are backed up into the curtains to keep out of the way and Treize and Zechs are kneeling on the bed, Treize using the retrieved pocket knife to cut carefully through Zechs’s dress whilst Zechs holds his hair out of the way
HEERO: Take that! ::stabs Relena [under the armpit in true stage fighting fashion]::
RELENA: Ouch, Heero! That hurt! ::crumples to the floor “dead”::
HEERO: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-
DUO: ::breathless voice as he frees himself from the curtains:: Oh Heero! You won! ::darts over to Heero, stumbling on his skirt again and falling into Heero’s arms, only this time it kinda works…::
HEERO: My love, I would fight a thousand times over for you ::gazes adoringly into Duo’s eyes::
DUO: ::very breathless voice:: Kiss me
HEERO: ::leans in and kisses Duo passionately on the mouth::
—Just then…the door opens!—
WUFEI: My agent says-
ZECHS: Oh YES Treize! Thank GOD!
WUFEI: ::eyes widen as he sees the scene before him::
Quatre and Trowa are clinging to each other, tangled in the curtains on the other side of the room. Duo and Heero are locked together in a passionate embrace with Relena lying on the floor at their feet with her head underneath Duo’s skirt. Zechs is clinging to a bedpost with the back of his dress gaping open as Treize – who’s kneeling behind him – is cutting through the last of his corset ties.
WUFEI: ::pinches nose to stop impending nose bleed [his doctors say he has a very rare nasal condition and suggest surgery, but he refuses]:: I don’t care what my agent says! I am NOT getting involved in this! ::turns and leaves quickly::
FW: Ok, we’re done now…you can go ::dismisses anime boys and girl::
With several keystrokes, the curtains have disappeared, freeing Quatre and Trowa who leave quickly for the safer lands of 3+4 fics. The bed disappears, dumping Zechs and Treize onto the floor. All find themselves back in their normal clothes. Relena climbs to her feet and leaves, calling goodbye over her shoulder. Treize and Zechs exit, arm in arm, with Treize apologising for slicing a gash in the back of Zech’s jacket [the costume change caught him by surprise and he was still cutting through the corset…] Finally, all that remains of the scene is Heero and Duo, still clinging to each other, still kissing…
FW: I said “WE’RE DONE NOW”. You can go…
DUO: ::breaks kiss:: Huh?
FW: Go. You can go now.
DUO: Oh! Ok…er…we’ll go now. C’mon Heero…::takes other boy by the hand and leads him away::
HEERO: Bye
DUO: ::grinning:: See you next time! ::He waves over his shoulder, pulls Heero out of the room and they’re gone::
THE END ^_~