It was a normal day. I’d woken up for a breakfast of pizza and a fruit smoothie. I went out to the local supermarket, because I was out of Super Mr. Fudgie Bars, and beer. At the checkout line, I got a pick-4 lottery ticket like always. Shirley, the clerk asked for my numbers, so I replied:
“1, 2, 3… 4!” It felt right; deep down in my gut. I flashed my fake ID, and started to bag my Super Mr. Fudgies and beer when she looked hesitant. I was worried that I was caught.
“Hey, Mr… Maxwell? You sure about your lotto numbers? 1, 2, 3, 4? That’s about the least likely chance you got.”
I disregarded her pessimism.
“What’s the jackpot up to, Shirl? And by the way, call me Duo.”
“Ok… Duo. The jackpot is 100 million dollars tonight. Channel 4, 8 o’clock.”
“Thanks, Shirl.”
“Anytime, Duo.”
“Bye, Shirl.”
“Bye.”
I jumped in to my old ‘95 Volvo station wagon, and threw my Mr. Fudgies and beer in to the passenger seat, and buckled them in before starting the car. I grabbed a Mr. Fudgie, and threw the wrapper on the floor.
I drove down the street, looking and nodding to Vivian and Myra, the whores on the block, as well as Markie, the vagrant of the block. He came to my house for dinner once and ate all my Mr. Fudgie Bars. I’d never quite forgiven Markie for that…
Once again in my humble abode, I got out another Mr. Fudgie and popped open one of my beers. I put the rest of my groceries in the fridge, and plopped down on my couch. I put down my beer on some newspaper next to a few used coffee cups, a beer can or 2, some porn, and my trusty rosary and bible. I clicked on the TV to find some guy talking to some doctor about “shagging her daughter rotten.” Suddenly, I heard the phone ring from… somewhere. I quickly followed the ring to my bathroom, where I opened the medicine cabinet, and beeped the phone on.
“Hello?”
“Omae o Korosu.”
“Oh, hi Heero! Wanna come over tonight for a party? Quatre and Trowa’ll be coming.”
“Uh… will you order pizza this time? Mr. Fudgies don’t fill me up.”
“Ok. And they’re SUPER Mr. Fudgies, Heero.”
“Oh.”
“How about you come over around 7?”
“Ano… Ok.”
“Bye!”
I beeped the phone off, and placed it by the sink. I then walked back into my living/dining room. On TV, the guy who was formerly talking to the doctor seemingly was trying to eat her ear… I flipped to channel 24- “24/7 God.” Rev. Smith was giving a sermon on money being given to us as a temptation by God. I flipped back to the show I was watching before. Now the doctor appeared to be eating the man’s ear with her camisole on. I flipped back to “24/7 God.” It was a commercial. Sister Mary with her heavenly soap ad. I flipped the TV off, and read the newspaper under my beer. Something about a corrupt policeman. The world seemed a lot worse these days. I grabbed another Super Mr. Fudgie Bar*Now to be called SMFB*, and chomped in to it. I then thought of my friends. They were the only ones who weren’t yet totally corrupted. Trowa, a cool beatnik, Quatre, a happy naive effeminate man, and Heero with his cute, quiet… yet violent statement.
Heero…
Thinking of Heero, I remembered the pizza. I walked back to the bathroom, and sat down to call. I dialed 1-800-55-PIZZA. A middle-aged sounding woman picked up on the other end with o-so-much enthusiasm.
“Hello, this is Mr. Zippy’s Pizzeria, how may I help you?”
“2 large pizzas. One with half Xtra cheese, and the other half veggie lovers and meat lovers combo, and the other pizza with half sardine and anchovies, and half pineapple.”
“Thank you. Your total is $40.00.”
“Oh yeah- I want a keg of beer too.”
“Shit. Now I have to total it all up again… Your total is $52.78.”
“That’s expensive pizza. But the number’s easy to remember.”
“What’s your address?”
“I’m Duo Maxwell, I’m in your computer.”
“5273 500th Street? Apt. 3B?”
“Yeah, that’s it.”
“Your pizza and beer will be over within the next 40 minutes.”
“And I thought this was supposed to be ZIPPY’s pizza! GOOD GRIEF! AND THE PRICES!! I’LL BET PEOPLE ONLY SHOP HERE BECAUSE THE NUMBER’s EASY!!! HOW ABOUT THAT, HUH?!?!?!?!?!?! Hello? Heloooo? Is anybody there? Aw, shit.”
I hung up the phone, and threw it in the bathtub alongside my pinstripe sweater. So that’s where that’d been…
I looked at my watch. 6:45. The guys would be over in 15 minutes. I figured I might as well clean up house. I walked into my kitchen and got a SMFB form the fridge for a power snack. I took all the beer cans/bottles and SMFB wrappers from off of my coffee table, counter, couch, floor, etc. and threw them in to my super-sized trashcan by my TV. I took other trash and coffee cups from all over the place and put them in their respective areas. I started brewing a cup of joe for Trowa to drink with his pizza. 6:52. Quatre and Trowa would be here any minute. Quatre always made sure they were on time. Of course if they were late, he’d exceed the speed limit to get here on time. He was Quatre, therefore always polite.
Ding-Dong.
That was probably them now. I ran to the door as it rang again. I opened the door, and surprisingly it was Heero standing there looking very horny… ano… I didn’t think that. He sat against the door frame sexily… no… Never mind. “Come in.”
Heero walked in casually. I loved it when he did that.
“I missed you Heero.”
He looked at me; almost smiling. He lay down on the full length of the couch, looking very comfortable in his black leather jacket I could tell was new. Heero Yuy never seemed to wear the same outfit twice. He smiled invitingly *lime sentences coming up*, and gestured for me to sit down next to him. I thought about Heero. I leaned over, and we kissed. Normally it didn’t take us this long to get started. He began twisting my braid around his waist when the doorbell rang. Kisama. Trowa and Quatre were never late.
I walked to the door thinking how this time they HAD to be on time. 7:00 sharp. I opened the door. Quatre had a bottle of wine, for the host of course. So proper and traditional sometimes. I took their coats… it only seemed right. I ran to the bathroom and threw them in there with my phone and sweater, and walked back in to the living room where Quatre and Trowa had joined Heero and had turned on the TV.
“Wha’d ya’ll like to drink?”
“Beer.”
“Coffee. Black.”
“Do you have any milk, please?”
“Everyone gave Quatre a surprised stare.”
“Uh… Of course you can spike it if you want… ”
I went and got everyone’s drinks and returned to the TV. The boys were flipping channels when they got to “24/7 God.”
“OOOO!!! Keep it here… ano… gomen.”
Everyone respectively sweat dropped, and Quatre changed the channel to a cooking show.
“HEY!! This isn’t ‘Emeril!’ Where’s the food network? Don’t you have cable?”
I cracked out another SMFB and answered:
“No, I had a satellite, but some punk kid hit it with a baseball and now the reception’s crummy.”
“I’ll fix it.” Trowa said blankly.
“It’s on the roof, Trowa-kun.”
“I know. No trouble. I’ll be back in a sec.”
“Thank you Trowa-chan!” Quatre beamed.
Trowa leaped out the window with certain agility. I imagined him scaling the old brick building with ease. For a minute the TV went fuzzy, and then on popped the food network. Quatre began bouncing happily on the couch. Trowa flew through the window again; but by this time Heero grabbed hold of the remote, and had changed the channel to a war movie. If that was what Heero wanted, then I was ok with it. 7:10. The pizza would be here any moment. In that moment, Quatre almost began sobbing, so Trowa violently grabbed the remote from Heero and changed the channel to a check flick. Titanic to be precise. Of course this movie actually DID make Quatre start sobbing. Trowa was ok this time, though. He started rocking Quatre back and forth.
“I love this movie,” Quatre sobbed. “I love this part!! It’s sooo sad!!”
“Yes, I know, you can cry, let it all out.”
Quatre bawled even more I took another sip of my beer, and snuggled down next to Heero, who seemed to be happy with this movie. He put his arm around me, and took a look in my direction. My heart skipped a beat. And then the doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it.” I said, not wanting to jump up. I went to the door, grabbing a SMFB on my way. I opened it, and there was Relena standing in my doorway.
“Duo-kun! What are you doing here?”
“Relena… I live here.”
“Oh. Is Heero over?”
“NO I’m eating alone tonight.” I lied. God would’ve forgiven me by now.
“Two pizzas with such variety for only ONE PERSON?”
“Yes, Relena, I’m hungry tonight. Now let me watch ‘Titanic’ in peace!”
Quatre then sobbed a VERY loud sob.
“Alone, eh?”
“Yes. That was the movie.”
“It’s on awfully loud… ”
Heero came up behind me and started asking if the pizza was here, but in the middle of doing so he pulled out a gun from his pants.
“Omae o Korosu.”
“HEERO!!!!”
slam.
Right in her face. And before Heero could shoot, too. We held the door shut, and locked it. Relena began persistently banging on the door. We paid her no heed, and went back to “Titanic.”
After a few minutes the banging stopped. I needed a SMFB. I gulped down the rest of my beer. I was worried. Normally Relena didn’t give up this easily. She must’ve been planning something I’d thought. Heero looked over at me.
“Don’t look so nervous, she’s gone.”
“I need to lock my bedroom window.”
“No, you’ll be ok… we’ll be ok. Just watch the movie.”
I relaxed a little. Heero was here; Trowa was here… Quatre was crying. Nothing to worry about. My pizza was good. Heero’s pineapple pizza looked yummy. I ripped part off, and he gave me a funny look. I took some of Trowa’s… Which had virtually everything on it, and I had a bite of Quatre’s Xtra Cheese. I decided I wasn’t in the mood for sardines or anchovies, so I took them off one by one, and threw them out the window for the alley cats. When closing the window, I could’ve sworn I saw something moving, but I ignored it. I slammed the window shut and locked it tightly.
Quatre was ceasing his sobs momentarily for his milk and pizza. I grabbed another bit of Heero’s. I ate the rest of my now sardine and anchovy-less pizza that still smelled of fish. The movie was dragging on in a good way as Rose ran back down into the ship. I heard something in the bedroom. Apparently, so had everyone else. Heero reached somewhere and pulled out a gun. We all looked in the small hallway tensely. Trowa started to slowly get up, and Quatre dried his own tears. I got up with Trowa and after me Heero came. We moved as a group down my hallway. At my bedroom door, Trowa turned the handle with Quatre cowering behind him. We rushed open the door, and there… was Relena.
Quatre shrieked.
“RELENA!!! YOU HAVE A SARDINE IN YOUR HAIR!!!”
That was all he needed to say to buy us time. It was true, and thanks to Quatre’s… opinions on sardines; we had just the time to lock her in my room. I assumed she recovered quickly, because we soon began hearing Relena pounding my door down. After about 10 minutes of looking down the hallway (but not after getting a frying pan or two), Relena broke the lock, and rammed through the door. Lucky for us we had the frying pans. In a minute we were upon the tired Relena with our frying pans. She fought like a madwoman (Wait-she is a madwoman!!). We locked Heero in the bathroom for safety, and kept fighting her off.
“MAXWELL!! I’ll get Heero if it’s the last thing I do! And if that means killing you, then by God, I’LL KILL YOU!!!!!”
I bashed her head with the frying pan… hard. She crumpled up on the floor.
“Duo… You… Killed her!” Quatre stared with disbelief.
“AND I DIDN’T SEE IT?!?!?!” Heero’s disappointed voice rang out from the bathroom.
“Well, at least I used this thing for something useful.” I said, while unlocking Heero from the bathroom.
Trowa simile “Ding Dong the witch is dead, witch old bitch, the wicked witch.”
“Don’t SING THAT!”
Then I remembered. “Thou shalt no kill.” And then I got nervous.
“What is the police find us?”
“They’ll probably dance.”
“We have to get rid of her. She’s the ruler of a buncha people. They’ll mob us if they find out.”
“Nope, they’ll dance too.”
“I’m throwing her in to the alley. Is anyone going to help em?”
Heero grabbed her feet with glee, and I grabbed her bloody head. Quatre and Trowa followed us.
“Duo-kun- I hope this doesn’t leave a mark on the carpet, I’ll have to spend hours cleaning it.” Quatre said.
“Not if we get her out faster. C’mon Duo.”
We scuttled to the window where Trowa opened it, and we threw her to the alley cats. Heero and I went in to the kitchen to wash our hands off. No blood appeared to be on the carpets, so we all sat down. The movie was now in the credits, but we sat watching silently anyway. And then it hit us. Relena was gone forever. It seemed to good to be true. So Heero got up, opened the window, and shot his gun into the alley… Just to make sure. He placed it back somewhere in his outfit, sat down again, and changed the channel. It was channel 4, and they were announcing the winner for the jackpot.
“OO!! I got a ticket for this today!! I don’t remember what my numbers were, lemme go get the ticket.” Once I’d gotten it, I read off the numbers.
“1, 2, 3, 4”
They all looked at me dumbfoundedly. Finally Trowa spoke up.
“That… is the stupidest number combination you could’ve done!!”
“Well excuse me for feeling lucky!! I can’t help it if… SHH!! It’s on!”
The little ball machines swirled around. I reached for my beer on the table. I was so nervous; I picked up Quatre’s milk by accident. The first number went in to the man’s hand: 1! I gulped down the rest of Quatre’s milk. The second number was swirling into his hand… 2!!! I reached blindly for my bible, my eyes glued to the screen. When I found it, I put my hands on it. 100 million dollars. What could I do with that much cash? The third number… 3!! I discarded my bible for my rosary and prayed bloody murder. I remembered Rev. Smith talking about money being the biggest temptation. Aw, what the hell was I thinking? I wasn’t gonna get the money. I was lucky I got this far. My friends seemed to be thinking the same thing. I got up to go to the bathroom and then I heard Heero shout, Trowa squeak, and Quatre… faint. I ran back in.
“Duo… ” Heero whispered.
“You won.”
I went bellistic. Running around the house screaming, and waving my rosary and lotto ticket above my head like a lasso.
“Oh ye~ah, go Duo, it’s your birthday!”
I screamed. Quatre recovered from his faint with some *help* from Trowa. And Heero just sat there was a smug little smile. I jumped on my sofa, bouncing with glee. Heero kept smiling.
“You won, Duo… You won.”