If my friends found out that I pray sometimes at night, I'm not entirely sure how they would react. If they suddenly woke up and decided to drop by my bedroom, how would they react to seeing me crouched on the floor, whispering soft words out loud to a higher up being that may or may not be listening. My head low, my eyes closed, my hands together to complete the look as a whole. I wonder what they would think if they knew that everything I do behind closed doors contradicts what I say during the days.
I pray because I lie.
Telling my friends harsh words during the days to make them believe that I feel something other than what's really happening. I want them to believe that I don't care about what happens to them, but when they're away, I sit in my room and wonder when they're coming back. I wonder why I miss the sound of cooking down in the kitchen and laughing in the hall, or something falling in the room next to mine. The curiosity of why I miss them is expanded into my praying, and for once I get to speak up and say everything I've always wanted to say. I pray for their health and a safe return...
I pray for Quatre because he has so much to lose if something were to go wrong. Unlike the rest of us who rely on our friends for family, he actually has family that would miss him a great deal. He has immediate family and his secondary family, us, would be crushed if he ever went away and didn't come back. I pray that I get to come to a place that is far from home and get to hear him playing his music in his bedroom, those beautiful notes inching through the thin walls to reach my ears. Maybe I'm fortunate enough to be graced by hearing him walk through the door with groceries, talking nonsense to everyone around him?
I hope I am.
I pray for Wufei because when I look at him, I can see this sadness in his eyes that's greater than everybody else's. He regards everything as a joke that was played against him, a trick that he tries to pull, a trap he's about to fall in. He regards everything and everyone like it meant nothing to him, and I'm starting to believe that he doesn't care what happens to him during this damn war. I'm starting to believe that everything he does is just another mask that he can hide behind in hopes that one day he can be normal. On the other hand, I don't know if he'll ever get to be normal if he consistently acts foolishly. He doesn't care, and I pray that one day he might.
Pot calling the kettle black? I suppose.
Maybe I pray for myself then? Does that make the situation even?
I pray for Trowa because I'm his friend and he deserves that kind of attention. He's the one most like me because he prefers to be faded into the background of pictures, away from the center of attention. Unlike Quatre, he can't just do something that's normal because we never get to see him doing anything odd. That makes no sense, though. He's the kind of person who can talk for hours if you say the right thing, but nobody can manage to figure out what that is. If I knew what to say to make him actually look at me, I would say it continuously just so he would be himself around us. If I knew what to say, I would say it because I don't know how much longer I can stand being ignored by him. I pray for him and his uncomfortable silence; I wonder if his own silence bothers him when he's alone... maybe he hates himself because of it.
Heaven forbid, but I pray for Relena because she needs it. I pray that one day her thoughts will clear themselves out so she can live normally like she was supposed to before she was pulled into this war. Every night I pray for myself because I was pulled into her life by mere accident and all I bring to her is pain. All I bring is pain and some odd part of my mind tells me that she deserves it... but nobody deserves pain. And it makes me sad to realize that I'm the source of some of it. I pray that one day, she'll realize that the pain she receives from knowing me isn't what she deserves... and I hope she gets out. I hope she wakes up one morning and realizes that I'm not worth the trouble of knowing. I pray she matures enough to know who her real friends are.
Last but not least, I pray the most for Duo. He's the kind of individual you meet and instantly like, but everything you see that first time is a lie. I've been hurt so many times when I've found out that what he's told me was false, and I don't know why I feel this way. It's almost like betrayal to know that I'm part of his ongoing lie, if that makes any sense. He says he doesn't lie, which is a lie, so he's lying to me. Always. I don't know what to believe, but I can't be without him anymore. I've gotten to a point where everything I feel is what I want to feel, even if the feelings are directed at someone who's been lying to me forever and a day, it seems.
I pray that Duo finds himself through his lies... maybe eventually realizing his faults. I pray that I can one day look into his eyes and see genuine happiness. I pray for his faith because he consistently claims that he doesn't have one. He can look at me dead in the eyes and tell me that he doesn't believe in God or whatnot, and I get to stand there and watch his hand reach up and curl around his cross. I get to watch him as he refuses to acknowledge his faith, and I kind of hate him for that. I hate that he can lie so easily when it nearly rips me to shreds when I catch myself doing the exact same thing.
I pray that he can find himself before he actually starts to believe that who he is currently will be who he's going to be later in life. If all he's going to be is this boy who refusing to acknowledge his faith, then maybe I don't want him as my friend anymore. I don't know how long I can remain around him when all I get to hear from him is lies and cheap excuses. There's something in my mind that tells me that I want to be with him, and I know that's true. I want to be with him so bad it's almost affecting the way I treat him as my partner.
... I pray that he can show me his faith. I want him to feel so comfortable around me, and I want him to be able to express himself in my presence. I wish he would allow me to catch a glimpse into what's left of his shattered mind... maybe just a brief glimpse so I can restore my own faith in him. I wish I could stop questioning him as a friend because I highly doubt that he needs that kind of distraction.
I want to know what he's feeling.
I pray that he may one day tell me that he likes me just so he can stop lying about his feelings.
But also...
... I pray that I can stop lying to him about mine.