There was a moment in my life when all I truly wanted was to be gone from this world, taken in by Death's strong embrace. I wanted nothing more than to feel the calm luxury of Her existence around me, ripping my own away from me until all I really felt was... darkness, if that makes an ounce of sense. My death would be the end of all my pain... all my sorrow... all my nightmares. I wanted the opportunity to wake up and realize that I was nowhere and everywhere all at the same time, but She would still be with me wherever I chose to go. She would make Herself known just so I could feel safe again under Her protection, guiding me through the darkness safely.
There was a moment in my life when I wanted Death, but couldn't quite grasp onto Her cold fingers. There was something preventing me from reaching out and grabbing Her outstretched hand, using it for leverage to pull myself up to Her platform. I wanted to stand next to Her and do whatever She wanted me to do because that would have made Her happy. If I could have made Death happy, She would have made me happy, right? Happiness was never in my life up until my clear thoughts washed away and my tainted thoughts of Her appeared.
I wanted Her.
When I was seventeen, I had actually planned on following Her from my nightmare when She made an appearance and called to me. The nightmare was so frightening I had to wake up, but before I did, Her voice scarred itself into my mind so that it would be one of the few things I remembered when I woke up.
"Follow me?"
And believe me, I wanted to.
She didn't speak to me because She felt that it was my time to go, I don't imagine. She didn't even speak to me because She felt that it would be the right thing to do to scare me. I don't believe She would waste Her time by doing something so trivial as trying to trick someone into following Her to... wherever. When She spoke those words to me, it was almost like She was offering me an escape from all the shit that was plaguing my mind... almost like She was trying to help me before things got out of hand. No, I imagine She was speaking to me out of jealousy.
Somehow She knew that all my bad thoughts drifted away when I woke and saw him. Three years of Her non-existence were wasted on trying to get me to stop all the pain. Even today, I feel like She just wanted to help, but... Her insistence upon me following Her was futile because all I had to do was look over at him and the safety issue would come flooding back to me.
Death was jealous of Death.
She foolishly assumed that She would be the best "out" for me, and not him. She assumed that because She was one form of comfort to me, that I would instantly run to Her to make things right again. The lady didn't ever dream of imagining that another Death would come back into my life and forcefully take my bad thoughts away.
So... I had to choose.
My two Deaths.
One could take me away from everything and bring me to a place where nothing matters anymore. I wouldn't have to ever worry about paying bills, working late nights to get enough money for dinner, waking up from horrible nightmares that leave me shaking and sobbing late at night. I could just clear my mind and remain in peace for the rest of eternity, staying close to Her side like the faithful pet She wanted me to be.
Or...
I could live the rest of my life together with my second Death, wrapped in his arms as we sit on the couch to watch horrible movies late at night. My life could be spent with another living... breathing... warm... individual who has to worry about paying bills and working to get money. Somebody whose skin is so hot, it nearly burns when his cheek is pressed against my chest. His hands burning marks into my body as he touches me in a way that lady Death could never dream of doing.
I wanted Her.
I needed him.
Lady Death could take me to a place where I wouldn't mind a bit if I were alone forever and a day, but that would be her doing. That would be another form of her protection against all the pain, because I know I would miss my second Death if I had a free will in that calming place. I know all the pain I suffer when alive would be intensified in death because my second Death would not be there to bring me into his arms and tell me it'll be okay. He wouldn't be there to hold me and kiss me until all my worries are gone, leaving only the two of us together.
He wouldn't be there, and that's what would cause me the most pain.
I wouldn't wake up in the mornings and find him sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee and eating scrambled eggs. I wouldn't get to hold him in my arms and kiss him on the couch as we try to match the couple in the stupid romance movie with some action of our own. No matter how much of an attempt She would try to make, there's no possible way she could make me feel the things I do when I'm with him.
My Death is warm, not cold.
My Death is alive, not dead.
My Death... tastes like butterscotch.
Smells like vanilla.
My Death laughs at everything and comforts everybody.
My Death is not a she.
I used to belong to both Deaths up until the very second that my Death stole my heart and made me only his. He took me away from Her and made me think about everything good that could possibly happen. He made me realize that bad stuff was going to happen, but She could only make it worse by making me shove the pain upon everyone else. Sure I would be gone from this life, and I would probably be happy wherever I end up, but... my friends would have to suffer for my happiness. My Death showed me that whatever problems I may run across, he's there to help me through them because sometimes he has problems, too. Lady Death doesn't have these kinds of problems because She can do whatever She wants.
My Death is alive.
My Death is human.
I belong to him, and he belongs to me.
The Death I chose gave me true happiness.
The only thing She could do for me is make me forget.
I'm happy now, and no one was hurt because of it.