Quatre PoV, companion fic
Stupid, stupid, stupid! What the hell was I thinking... am I a complete moron or something? He won't stop looking at me, and I just know he's angry with me. We hardly speak anymore, and we barley spoke to begin with! I'm not entirely sure what I thought might happen because of this, but I seriously didn't think he would close himself off even more from me. When I try to say something to him, he always seems to never hear me and he leaves the room like I'm infected with a flesh eating disease or some shit like that. I can't even corner him to make him talk to me and tell me that he isn't completed disgusted at what we did, let alone see what he thinks about it.
I hate that it was him that was there at the time. He doesn't forget stuff and everything he does, he remembers it like it just happened yesterday. I mean... I remember it like it happened yesterday, but just when I felt like we were becoming friends, I had to go and do this with him. The way he looked when we got back from the mission made me ache in ways I've never felt before. His eyes were slightly glassy with exhaustion, but despite his fatigue, he watched me like a hawk while I bandaged up a gash on my arm. I wanted to run my hands through his hair and over his grease smeared cheeks, and touch his lips with my fingers to feel him breathing.
The night is a huge blur for me, and I can't honestly remember bits and pieces of what happened from the moment we stepped into the house. I remember whispering something to him and being next to him in an instant, touching him and pushing him towards the wall. The haze in his eyes cleared and I nearly screamed in terror as his head bumped against the door. He stared at me with a look of shock on his face, and I let go of his shirt when I saw just a tiny amount of fear. I remember backing away from him and staring down at the floor, surprised that I was still taking my clothes off and partially undressing before him.
Oh my god. Seriously, what was I thinking? I wish he had just walked over and punched me to stop me from being such a moron, but he didn't. Him touching me was... amazing, to say the least. Slightly rough like I suspected he would be, but not bad enough to hurt me. Not like I cared about that, and in fact, it might've made me feel better if it had hurt so that I could say it was just us releasing tension. I could hear his ragged breathing behind me as he put his hands on the small of my back, tracing patterns on my skin.
I wanted to say his name, but not one word would come out of my mouth. The wall in front of me became my only focus, inspecting the rather distasteful flower patterns in front of my eyes. I almost made a comment about it to him, but decided that maybe that was a terrible time to bring it up. I think I almost laughed, which also would have been mortifying if it had actually vocalized itself. Not entirely sure he would understand what I was laughing at, and I would end up very bruised and not very satisfied.
Being with him made me feel... so alive. The feel of his body against mine, his lips against my neck, his hands all over my body... I wanted to see him, look into his eyes and share the feeling with him. I think I heard a moan come out of his mouth, but looking back on the night, I can't tell if what I remember is fact or completely fabricated lies that my imagination made up.
I hope I heard him moan. Just once...
It was awkward when we were finished, and I felt a mixture of emotions and feelings flood over me. Still in a cloud of passion, I realized I needed to get out of there before something was said and to this day, I regret leaving him standing there. I wish I had stayed and talked or at least turned to look at him, maybe offering a small smile to him. Thanking him might have been offensive, but maybe it would've been better than me just bolting from the room to go fight off nausea in the safety of my own bedroom.
Why did I do that? I'm such a damn idiot!
When I see him looking at me, I'm afraid of the reprocussions of our action. I wonder if one day, he'll disappear and I'll never see him again... and quite honestly, I don't know what I'm going to do if I lose his friendship. If he doesn't want to be found, he won't be found and I'll be left alone wondering if it was because of what I did. People look at us funny when we're together now, and I wonder if we're that obvious with our tension. If that's the case, he'll definitely cut his ties with me so we don't bring unnecessary attention to ourselves. No...
I want to grab his shoulders and shake him until I see anything in his eyes but panic and regret. Maybe one of these days, he'll talk to me and we'll clear the air about that night but I don't see that happening any time soon. Maybe one day, he'll pull me into his arms and kiss my skin like he did that night and I'll look into his eyes and see emotion again.
Oh, Heero... maybe I can make you feel something again?
Goddamn the black night
With all its foul temptations
I became what I always hated
When I was with you there
~Death Cab for Cutie, We looked like Giants